29 March, 2008

Scepticism as a Virtue, Part 32

I'm sitting at home today watching some rubbish on TV with Laura (the Kiwi), when, during a brief interval between rain showers, a single magpie lands on our windowsill and appears to stare at us with intense curiosity. Magpies often land on that windowsill, perhaps attracted by the glint of sunlight on the glass, or maybe by their own reflections.
"Oh god," says Laura, "a magpie! Give me your little finger, quick." She holds out her own finger, bent into a crook.
"Why?" I ask, quite reasonably.
"Just give me your finger!" she says.
"No," I say. "Why should I?"
"Because there's a magpie, why else?"
"That's hardly good enough of a reason," I say.
"We have to link little fingers and say jinx," she says, as if reasoning with a child. "Then we break the link."
"Why do we do that?"
"To break the chain!" She's getting more agitated.
"What chain?" I'm actually getting annoyed as well as finding this slightly amusing.
"The chain of bad luck," she says. "One magpie is bad luck, so you have to break the chain."
"Luck," I say, trying to sound supercilious, "is probability taken personally."
"I don't care what it is, so long as I don't have bad luck," she says, properly angry with me now. "He's about to fly away!"
"Why should the magpie care about your luck?" I ask her.
"It's one magpie for sorrow, two for joy," she says, deadly serious, "three for a girl, four for a boy." She looks at me with disdain usually reserved for idiots and Ryan Tubridy. "Don't you know anything?"
Laura stands and walks to the window. She gives the magpie a little wave and says genially, "Hello Mr. Magpie, how's your wife?"
"What?" I say.
"If you won't link fingers with me, that's the only way to get rid of the bad luck," she says. "Once, back in New Zealand, I saw a magpie in my garden but I didn't say hello to it, and the next day my cat ate my gerbil."
She finally decides to turn her back on the magpie and heads for the door.
"If I'm late for my acupuncture appointment because of that," she says, "I'm blaming you."

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Herald Highlight: A Finger of Fudge is Just Enough...

Now, in a feature the critics are already calling "semi-regular", we look at the slightly more legible of the two main free-sheets in our fair city, the Herald AM.

There was a single story that seems to have caught the imagination of all and sundry:
FINGER OF BLAME! That headline works on so many levels! For those who may not have heard the story, English 17-year-old Guy Wallace was visiting Dublin for Patrick's Day and, after a few underage scoops in tourist fave hangout Temple Bar, called in to McDonald's for some authentic Irish chow. Whereupon, he claims, he was set upon by a savage bolus of Micks (his words, probably). He awoke in hospital to find he had misplaced a finger. 
Now, ordinarily this tragic tale of dismemberment would end there with minimal follow-up from the Gardaí. But young Master Wallace returned to the UK and capitalised on his sob story by going on local radio. And in doing so, miraculously regained clarity of recollection as to how he lost the finger; he'd been a little hazy on that point before. 
The youths in Mickey D's, he said, had pursued him down the street, held his hand against the kerbside and jumped on his little finger until it snapped off! How immensely rude of them! I knew there was a rough element in Dublin, but this sounds like it came out of some demented torture-porn movie.
The truth however, as Occam's Razor predicts, is a lot simpler. Though no less entertaining. Apparently, Sir Guy of Wallace-shire panicked when asked by a gang of skangers where he was from, fled down the street and drunkenly tried to scale a serrated metal fence surrounding Eircom offices off O'Connell Street. And that's where he and poor pinky parted company. Gardaí found the AWOL finger on top of the railing, tragically too late for it to be reattached.
Now, all of that is hilarious enough by itself but here's where the true genius of the Herald AM people comes in: A witness described the finger as looking quite like "a burnt sausage". How best to give the discerning reader a visual on that? Well, damn it all, why not just print a colour picture of a burnt sausage in the bottom left of the front page? They missed a trick though by not having the caption read "Artist's conception of how the finger may have looked if retrieved by Gardaí with a fork." 
Nonetheless, hats off, Herald AM. Once again you have raised the stakes. Metro, take note.
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Lunatic Militant Atheist Denounces Newton


Link.
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24 March, 2008

Cause of Patrick's Day Riots Revealed:


Can the solution to this problem be any clearer? Clearly this kind of violence was the result of running out of cans Dutch Gold. Give these kids more booze, Bertie!
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21 March, 2008

Susi Saleeby, Part 10 - Finish It Already

From: "Barrister Abdullahi Djallo"  
Subject: RE: Greetings. 
Date: Wed,  6 Sep 2006 17:59:46

 

 ATTENTION MR.WILLONZO TERRABYTE O'NUALAIN

 

WHILE I WAIT FOR YOU TO SEND ME FURTHER TRANSACTION DETAILS, I DEMAND THAT YOU SHOULD FORWARD ME A SCAN COPY OF YOUR IDENTITY, DIRECT TELEPHONE NUMBER THROUGH WHICH I CAN REACH YOU TO BE SURE OF WHOM I AM WORKING FOR. I AM BEGINNING TO LOOSE INTEREST IN THIS ASSIGNMENT AND I CAN ONLY ACCEPT TO CONTINUE IF YOU CAN ENDEAVOUR TO FORDWARD YOUR EITHER YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE OR AN INTERNATIONAL PASSORT.


I HAVE SERIOUS DOUBTS ABOUT YOUR COMITTMENT IN THIS OPERATION AND I AM TO BUSY TO WASTE MY TIME ON A CLAWN, INDEED YOU ARE A CHARACTER AND I PUT A QUESTION MARK ON YOUR CAPABILITY TO CONTROL THIS MAGINUDE OF FUND. I HAVE SEVERAL POINTS AGAINST YOU. I CAN ONLY BE CONVINCED WHEN I VIEW YOUR IDENTITY AS WELL AS HAVING YOUR DIRECT PHONE CONTACT. I WANT TO CALL YOU ON THE PHONE BY MYSELF BEFORE I CAN BE CONVINCED TO PROCEED.


HONESTLY I AM NO LONGER INTERESTED IN HAVING THE LEGAL FEE SENT TO ME ANY MORE BUT I WANT TO KNOW WHOM YOU ARE AND WHAT EXACTLY YOU DO FOR A LIVING. THANK YOU.


YOURS SINCERELY

ABDULLAHI DJALLO

AMDYCHAMBERS,DAKAR-SENEGAL.

 

 

From: "Willonzo O'Nualain"  
Subject: RE: Greetings. 
Date: Wed, 06 Sep 2006 23:14:04

 

Dear Miss Lawyer / sir, 

Listen Johnny Cochrane, please stop shouting at me! Your voice is very loud and I have sensitive ears. I can't stand it when you shout as it is unnecessary. 

In response to your queries, firstly I must explain to you what Western Union have told me with their human mouths and tongues. THERE HAS BEEN IN ERROR IN THE WESTERN UNION COMPUTERISED MONEY / CASH SYSTEM AND SOME TRANSFERS TO SENEGAL OVER A CERTAIN AMOUNT HAVE BEEN AFFECTED ADVERSELY. THE AMOUNT OF MY TRANSFER TO YOU WAS CHANGED FROM US$2,450 TO 7 FRANCS BY THE COMPUTER (GREMLINS). This gross misconduct was the result of an errant paper aeroplane striking a keyboard and a subsequent (small) fire. 

I am working hard to ensure the cash is transferred POST HASTE, but this requires co-operation with Western Union and they do not like me. I accidentally injured their cat with a sharp-tipped umbrella while in their office on Tuesday. However, THEY HAVE ASSURED ME THE ISSUE WILL BE RESOLVED ASAP. 

In your email you say that you "DEMAND THAT YOU SHOULD FORWARD ME A SCAN COPY OF YOUR IDENTITY, DIRECT TELEPHONE NUMBER". You demand, sir??? Have you ever heard the expression "The customer is always right"? You have a lot to learn about civil comportment, sir! 

Also, PLEASE DO NOT CALL MY WIFE DIRECTLY REGARDING MONEY MATTERS. YOU ARE WORKING FOR ME AND I EXPECT YOU TO FOLLOW MY INSTRUCTIONS. IF YOU WANT TO GET PAID, PLEASE BE NICER TO ME. BELIEVE ME RUMPOLE, THERE ARE PLENTY OTHER LAWYERS IN AFRICA... 

Many thanks and highest regards, 
Willonzo 

PS What are you wearing? I bet you're hot.

 

 

From: "Willonzo O'Nualain"  
Subject: URGENT SPIRITUAL GUIDANCE REQUIRED IMMEDIATELY (LIKE YESTERDAY) 
Date: Wed, 06 Sep 2006 23:38:47

 

Holy Reverend of the Black Arts who looks down on me from heaven and blesses me and sends angels to remind me to tape my favourite programmes:

 

Rev, I have always relied on you to help me in times of spiritual crisis and I am afraid this is one of those times.

 

The problem is, I have promised my dear Susi that I will help her escape the camp (as you well know, do not feign ignorance with me you crafty preacher), but I have hit a snag. When I went to the Western Union office to transfer the money, a man standing outside told me to spend my money on a sheep with five legs. (Such animals are rare in my country and demand a high price - an excellent and wise investment in anyone's language (mine is Swedish) and therefore a must-buy.)

 

The man’s sheep had a price tag exactly equal to the sum asked of me by THE LAWYER. I realised the great profit to be made on this purchase and so bought the sheep there and then. I would have more money to buy my Susi-doll a nice Hoover! Upon closer inspection however, I deduced that the creature was in fact a poodle with an erection - an animal that can be bought / sold for EUR10 at any fast food outlet.

 

Now I am undone! I was forced to send whatever funds I had remaining in my account (not much) to the lawyer. Now the lawyer is angry that he has not received the full sum. Also, the loan shark I borrowed the money from (you remember Fisty Magee don't you? Or did I tell you about him? Aha, nearly caught you out there) is anxious for me to repay my debt or he will break my wrists, which I need for typing absurd emails and performing other essential tasks.

 

And I have just been informed that I need to ask the lawyer to return the box of Cadbury's Flakes sent to him by Western Union as they accidentally filled the box with poisonous spiders. (Also, they don't like him.)

 

Please Rev, can you give me advice? I am DESPERATE!!! Susi is very unhappy with me and I am afraid she might do something silly and drink too much weed killer. Can you help us find another lawyer? One who will work for FREE? Or at least one who will not shout at me.

 

Waiting for your response to lift up my soul and rid me of the anxiety caused by the steadily thickening plot,

Willonzo Ulysses O'Nualáin

 

PS All Bow and Hail Santa

 

 

From: "Willonzo O'Nualain"  
Subject: Forgive me please my sweet, our love soars like an eagle in the EASTERLY WIND 
Date: Wed, 06 Sep 2006 23:49:52

 

Susi, 

I know I have been bad. Can you please accept my apology and embrace me in forgiveness? I am SO SORRY that I made you sad / disappointed / enraged / damp. I am sorry that the days of me making you lough! lough!! lough!!! are far behind us now, like a hazy water-coloured memory. 

I want to make it up to you - Will you let me know your address so I can send you a present? I bought it for you especially, it is very special and cost me a lot of money. Let me ask you a question first though: Are you a dog person or a cat person? 

ABOUT THE LAWYER: 
I am very angry with him for speaking to you the way he did with disrespect. I told him that if he does not behave, we will find a NEW LAWYER. Do you know of any other lawyers who are lovely? If not, I will continue to try to work with this one, but I do not think he is attracted to me, he has ignored my advances so far (but doubtless I will wear down his resistance yet with my charms). 

I DO NOT WANT YOU TO WORRY ABOUT THE LEGAL FEES. Please let me handle it and do not speak to the lawyer anymore. He is a DICK. And DO NOT WORRY ABOUT GETTING OUT OF THE camp. Love will find a way, my little African pumpkin pie. 

I will speak to you soon. I hope you are sleeping well right now, all tucked up in your little cell, dreams of sugar plums and vegetables dancing in your head. 

Willonzo 
(former Alternative Miss Ireland, 1973)

 

 

From: "Willonzo O'Nualain"  
Subject: URGENT REQUEST 
Date: Wed, 06 Sep 2006 23:59:53

 

Dear Mr. Omar,

 

I have spent the day in an opium den researching our future investment opportunity and I have come to the conclusion that A) narcotics are an excellent investment, B) they are best sold instead of used and 4) I have a slight liquidity issue at present.

 

CAN YOU PLEASE FORWARD ME INFO / BROCHURES ON YOUR SHORT TERM LOANS? I do not require a huge sum and you can use the US$3.7m as collateral if you wish.

 

Please revert to me with rates, offers etc. ASAP and immediately (by next week). Do not say that you were warned.

 

Your Willonzo baby

 

PS What are you doing Friday night? I know a little Italian place, great atmosphere, nice wine. Call me.

 

 

From: "Bob Geldof"  
Subject: RAISING MONEY FOR SUSI SALEEBY 
Date: Thu, 07 Sep 2006 01:34:30

 

Hoi there Susi,

 

I am Bob Geldof. My friend Bono is the leader of the rock group The U2 and he has alerted me to your situation in the refugee camp in Dakar Senegal, roight (roish)?

 

I have been in these camps myself loike, so I know how awful they are - no running water, rats, only one PC for every five people and broadband service without providing your own free homepage. This has always seemed unacceptable to me, so I am going to do something to help.

 

I am setting up a GIANT ROCK concert, which I am going to call SCAM-AID or maybe even SUSI-AID. All the major rock bands of the world will take part (except The U2), including Phil Collins, Human League, Spandau Ballet and even Boney M. I will sing "Tell Me Why..." It will be ledge.

 

In order for this to take place though, I will need you to send me US$3,899.00 in order to draw up legal papers for the Dakar high court loike. Can you please transfer these funds via Western Union ASAP.

 

I have to go now as Tiger Lily is putting spoons and forks in the microwave oven.

 

Your new best friend,

Boomtown Bob

 

 

From: "Mrs. Zainab Saleeby"  
Subject: WILLONZO 
Date: Thu, 07 Sep 2006 01:47:05

 

Susi my girl 

i am very disappointed in you sorry to say it,no hearing from you speaking tongue or mails since i mail you days ago. Do you not love me,you momma who carry you and give birth? I have labour 4days before you come in world and make life misery for you mama and papa,but we still did loved you anyway and gave you feed sometime.Whats a matter you? 
you should not treat poor boy willonzo so bad,he trying he best to help your out of camp and this situation in that you find youself bring you Dublin Irlandé is a nice a place. I think you very rude to him not give him enough chance. Only very short time he know each another and already you asking moneys and throwing fits very rude! i don't raise no rude childrens,i smack you upside yo head when seeing you. 

Be good girl and talking with yo momma. 
Mrs Saleeby

 

 

From: "Susi"  
Subject: RE: WILLONZO 
Date: Thu,  7 Sep 2006 13:42:49

 Dear, Mama, Thanks for your advice and concern about me God bless.

 

Susi

bye.

 

 

From: "Susi"  
Subject: RE: Forgive me please my sweet, our love soars like an eagle in the EASTERLY WIND 
Date: Thu,  7 Sep 2006 13:44:27

 Hello Sweet sweet honey the only surger in my tea you are so lovely God bless you thanks for your concern about me.byeSusi.

 

 

From: "Susi"  
Subject: RE: RAISING MONEY FOR SUSI SALEEBY 
Date: Thu,  7 Sep 2006 13:47:36

 Thanks for your conern about me God bless you

bye

Susi.

 

 

From: "Susi"  
Subject: Please Co-operate with our Lawyer 
Date: Thu,  7 Sep 2006 16:45:58

 

Hello honey,

I have to let you know this that i am really confuse of this own thing i don't know who is right or rong but from your own side i believe in you but the fact is that i did not know what is really going on,you should know that is not right for Western union to send money with wrong information two times this is unbelieveable,so with this you have to co operate with our Lawyer by prooving yourself to him that you not the kind of person as bad as he is thinking, by sending to him your identity ok please proof yourself for my sake.

Meanwhile i will like us to continue with him becasue if you come to look at it he know every thing about our deallings if we did not use him,he might have other miss to give me problems over here you know i am with him here,so please be kind with him as i wait to hear from you soon.


My great regards
Miss Susi with love & trust.

 

 

From: "Willonzo O'Nualain"  
Subject: VERY AWFUL BAD NEWS OF TERRIBLE DISASTER / CRISES RIGHT IN MY COUNTRY (BYE) 
Date: Thu, 07 Sep 2006 23:35:13

 

My loving and trusted Susi, 

I would love nothing more than to send a scanned copy of my passport to your imaginary lawyer, along with my home address and real name, but I have more pressing concerns at the moment. Fisty Magee has just found out I spent his money on a randy poodle with terminal mange and cannot pay him back. He is on his way over to stuff me in the washing machine on spin cycle at 40 degrees. 

So with that in mind, I am writing my last WILL and testicle. To you, I leave my collection of packaged mint condition Battlestar Galactica action figures (ca 1985). Please try and barter them for food or gin. I hope they serve you well... 

Also, I think it would be unwise for you to come to Ireland as CIVIL WAR has just broken out over the construction of Bertie Land. In fact, REBELS have just entered my house to get everyone assassinated. Oh well. 

I will always remember you and your crazy harebrained scheme (con) and the assorted arse banditry that we have enjoyed together. I hope you do not kill yourself as a result of this, ha ha. 

May we meet again if not in this life, then in the next (under another pseudonym). 
GOODBYE FOREVER 
WILLONZO O'NUALAIN 
(Cue national anthem, slow zoom-in on flag fluttering in breeze, fade out, title card: The End, roll credits, turn off projector, go home, eat pot noodle, sleep) 

PS I have forwarded the details of all people involved, including yourself, Rev. Pedrol, Omar Ndiaye, Amdy Chambers and Miss Faith Omagbon Osemwonyemwen to INTERPOL to assist in helping you in your attempts to escape the camp. I hope they will be in touch with you soon!!

 

 

From: "Susi"  
Subject: RE: VERY AWFUL BAD NEWS OF TERRIBLE DISASTER / CRISES RIGHT IN MY COUNTRY (BYE) 
Date: Fri,  8 Sep 2006 12:48:36

 

Thanks for your concern about me 
byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

 

 

From: "Dr. Elie E Saleeby" elie.e.saleeby@hotmail.com

To: susi_saleeby@myway.com

Subject: Who yo Daddy??

Date: Fri, 08 Sep 2006 00:40:20

 

Susi, 

I am still alive also!! 

What's all this I hear about you trying to nick my $3.7 million??? 

You got some explaining to do, young lady! 

Da.

 

 

From: "Susi"  
Subject: RE: Who yo Daddy?? 
Date: Fri,  8 Sep 2006 07:44:36

 

 Fuck offffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff you
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Happy Cruci-fiction Day!!

It's a mad mad mad mad mad world. Not only that, but for some reason I couldn't get a drink anywhere today. It's a bad time for us atheist alcoholics...

(About the Filipino crazies, what do you reckon the mentality is of the ones who dress as Roman centurions and hammer their mates onto crosses?)
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Spoiler Alert: There WAS Blood (and some oil)

Not strictly a review, and I'm aware I'm late to jump on the bandwagon with this, but I feel I need to share my thoughts on There Will Be Blood and hopefully persuade one or two people who haven't already seen it to go and see it now this instant.

Now, I met someone recently who told me that Paul Thomas Anderson was her favourite director of all time. "What do you think of him?" she asked me and, in a rare moment of sincerity, I told her that I had issues with Anderson (or PTA as I believe he sometimes goes by). I mean, favourite director of all time? Surely he's no match for a Kubrick or a Hitchcock or, dare I say it, a Lucas? And my issues with PTA run deeper even than that; I once took a girl on a date to the cinema to see Punch Drunk Love. It was our last, and I choose to attribute that dissatisfactory outcome directly to the quality of the film, rather than my own numerous personal failings pertaining to intimate relationships. Furthermore, I have, despite several attempts, not yet succeeded in seeing Magnolia all the way to the end (but I do enjoy the Tom Cruise scenes).
So with that in mind, I decided to see There Will Be Blood not for the much-touted experimental nature of the film, but for the Oscar-winning performance by Day Lewis as Daniel Plainview, the oilman consumed by ambition, self-destructive tendencies and ten-pin bowling.
And I was blown away. Not only by Day Lewis, for whom no adequate superlative has yet been invented, but by everything. There is nothing wrong with this film. It is flawless. It is a meisterwerk of the highest calibre. Kubrick, now somewhere in the Italian quarter of Heaven (you know, over by St. Peter's Pizzaria), is at this moment strumming bitterly on his harp and asking himself why he never made this movie while he was alive. Go and see it now.
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Warning: Do NOT Give This Man Money

Meet Oprah's new mate, Eckhart Tolle. He's written a book, wouldn't you know it, telling us about his trite and ludicrously constructed "philosophy" of life. Here's a little bit of what he thinks of the "pain body". (Don't feel that you need to watch it all.)

To echo the pain body in his little anecdote, this is indeed a load of rubbish. But you've got to hand it to Oprah; she knows that the great unwashed will happily part with their cash in exchange for the pleasure of being condescended to by some bizarre, Teutonic, goblin-faced prat, and why shouldn't she get paid off the back of that?
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18 March, 2008

Saleeby? Nein! - Penultimate Ultimatum

Subject: RE: Compliment. 
Date: 5 Sep 2006 21:12:29 -0000 

Thanks for contacting the management of Bank of Africa Senegal, we shall revert to you shortly.

 

 

From: "Bono of The U2"  
Subject: RE: Plight of refugees in Senegal 
Date: Tue, 05 Sep 2006 22:41:30

 

Howaya Suuuuussi, achtung baby, 

How's da form? It's meself Bono again, even better dan da real thing. Sorry I haven't been in touch wit ya like, but the band had to do the oul laundry and dat bleedin fool Adam Clayton has obsessive compulsive disorder and insisted we wash every single item separately, ONE poxy thing at a time! It took us a jaysus week just to get through da Edge's feckin hats!! I tough' we'd be doin it until da end of da world! 

In anyways, I'm just writin to let yiz know we've only had to cancel da massive fuckin gig in da refugee camp in Dakar Senegal because da wife's booked us a fortnight in Aya Nappa, so I don't know who's gonna ride yer wild horses now. She wanted to go to Ibiza, but I said feck off, coz da music there is so cruel. 

Sorry bout dat, but I gave Bob Geldof a buzz to let him know what's goin on, so maybe he can help yiz, wha? He loves Africa an all so he does. 

Seeyiz 
Bono 
(Rock god) 

PS # the FLY (4:29) 
# MYSTERIOUS WAYS (4:04) 
# TRYIN' to throw your ARMS around the WORLD (3:53) 
# ULTRA violet (light my WAY) (5:31) 
# ACROBAT (4:30) 
# LOVE IS blindness (4:23)

 

 

From: "Mrs. Zainab Saleeby"  
Subject: My heart breaks with your every step, as you tread on my ribs 
Date: Tue, 05 Sep 2006 23:04:15

 

Susi, my beautiful perfect daughter of small size, 

i am sad that you had no answerd my mail early,but i kno you hart will take patient and tim to heel. i can wait for you as long as nessecray.Meanwhile i meet you new daddy today while working,he make me very much happiness delight. 

i dress as giant GARBANZO BEAN POD on Sherriff Street in centr Dublin and want every all childrens to smash and rip open pod and liberate human legume as i run low on oxygen inside.one small boy kick me in my face while i tie restraint into my shoe and i went sleeping,while i sleep he thefted my moneys i earning all the day and stab me in leg with a syringe of taking drug.then  lovely masculine man help me and we marriage later. 

I hope you liking him (you step father) when you come in Dublin as he has large temper and getting more violent.

please please write to me and speak of you and you're doings. Please do not kill yourself because of despair sad melancholia. 
i will be more than happy to get reply to my mail 

i hope to hear from you soonest 
Mummy Saleeby 
x

 

 

From: "Willonzo O'Nualain"  
Subject: RE: keep me update. 
Date: Wed, 06 Sep 2006 06:21:46 -0400 

For the attention of Ms Susi: 

Please be advised and informed that I HAVE CONTACTED THE "LAWYER" WITH THE CORRECT INFORMATION FOR WESTERN UNION TRANSFER. 

I WILL LET YOU KNOW AS SOON AS "HE" REVERTS. 

Apart from that, I hope you have decided not to commit suicide. I myself have called in sick today as during the night I was awoken by the sound of terrible screams coming from the utility room (adjacent to the sun terrace). I investigated to find my youngest brother, Stumpy Magoo had become trapped inside the washing machine! The reasons behind this remain unclear, but needless to say... 



However, I slept poorly and with dreams of horror following this disturbing incident. What were the implications? And would my trousers be dry by morning? Who could say? Stumpy was still unwilling to comment on who exactly forced him into the washing machine, but I hope to determine their identity and press charges; poor Stumpy cannot swim and as a result nearly drowned (or as we say in Irlandé, "drownded"). As it was, his neck got caught in a pair of tights - as you can imagine, he was very lucky to raise the alarm before he succumbed. 

And then, this morning my other youngest brothers Kermit, Fozzy-bollix and Wankface were teasing poor Stumpy Magoo and sniffing him to smell the pleasant odour of fabric softener. This was too much for Stumpy to bear and he ran off into the street where he was struck by a car (1984 Opel Record estate, blue, mint condition) and died. Now I may never know who put poor Stumpy in the washing machine. Oh poor Stumpy, you never had a chance. I think I shall write a song about him and send it to Bono. 

In other news, I certainly hope all goes well with the lawyer and Western Union, as I very desperately need to pay back Fisty Magee (the loan shark and worldwide scrabble champion - you may remember him from my previous mails if you actually bother to read them at all, which, let's face it, is highly unlikely) the money I borrowed... I fear that if he is not satisfied, he may put me in a washing machine, which is his trademark punishment for non-payment of loans... 

Well, enough about me. 

Bye 
Willonzo "I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore" O'Nualáin 
kissy kissy

 

 

From : Willonzo O'Nualain

Sent : Wednesday, September 6, 2006 7:58 AM

To : bono.the.u2@hotmail.com

CC : susi_saleeby@myway.com, house4grace@minister.com, house4grace_minister@yahoo.com

Subject : Lament for Stumpy Magoo

 

ATTN: Bono, lead singer in "The U2". 

Bono, I have written another song for The U2. Please provide for a chorus of "Stumpy oooo, Stumpy Magoo" between each verse and 12 minute drum solo following verse 2. 

Oh Stumpy Magoo 
Where are you? 
You brightened our days 
And shined our shoes 
With aplomb. 

Oh Stumpy Magoo 
What happened to you? 
Before you were hit by a car 
And sent up far 
In the sky. 

Stumpy Magoo 
With your eyes so blue, 
You did what you were told. 
Now your corpse smells of Bold 
Automatic. 

 

Esteemed Reverend Pedrol,

 

I hope you will join me in unbearable grief and say a MASS for my poor deceased and dead brother Stumpy.

Your friend and partner 
Willonzo "Nobo" O'Nualáin

 

 

From: "Susi"  
Subject: RE: Lament for Stumpy Magoo URGENT URGENT RESPOND NEEDED

Date: Wed, 6 Sep 2006 15:21:12

 

Hello honey,

I am sorry to say this i am really dissapointed in you i never think you will do this to me i think there is some thing wrong with you,please let me know if you are not ready to help me out of this situation i am into you better let me know please! Please!! please!!! stop mucking at me if you did not have money to send you just better tell ok.


Lawyer called again telling me that i must be a mad girl that i did not know what i am doing,that i am falling in love with mad Man that i should be carefull about the person i am going to live my with,all he said he send his secretary to the western uion today again and the secretary came back and tell him that there was no such transaction in the bank that you did not send any money pls!pls!!pls!!! stop it ok.


bye
Susi

 

 

From: "Willonzo O'Nualain"  
Subject: URGENT URGENT - HIGH IMPORTANCE: PLS READ AND REPLY IMMEDIATELY NOW 
Date: Wed, 06 Sep 2006 15:31:05

 

Susi: 

Did you used to me a dude? I don't mind so long as the surgery is completed and performed by a competent surgeon. 

I AM GOING TO WESTERN UNION *NOW* TO BUST SOME HEADS AND ENSURE MONEY IS TRANSFERRED IMMEDIATELY. 

I love you so much it is no longer funny 
Willonzo 

PS I see you haven't killed yourself yet - keep up the good work!

 

 

From: "Susi"  
Subject: urgent urgent respond needed. 
Date: Wed,  6 Sep 2006 15:32:55

 Thanks alot for you have turn me to a laughing suck give yourself a handplus

 

PS a MILLION hAND plUS. FOR YOU And YouR gAME THAnks ALoTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT ByEEEEEEEEEEEEE

 

 

From: "Willonzo O'Nualain"  
Subject: RE: urgent urgent respond needed. 
Date: Wed, 06 Sep 2006 15:38:15

 

 

Susi, 

I have no idea what you mean! Your English is very poor, it was much better at the start when you were working from the script. 

Please elaborate. 

love 'n' hugs 
Willonzo.

 

 

From: "Susi"  
Subject: URGENT URGENT - HIGH IMPORTANCE: PLS READ AND REPLY IMMEDIATELY NOW 
Date: Wed,  6 Sep 2006 15:45:51

 

It is good you go to western uion you Better do bye

 

 

From: "Willonzo O'Nualain"  
Subject: RE: URGENT URGENT - HIGH IMPORTANCE: PLS READ AND REPLY IMMEDIATELY NOW 
Date: Wed, 06 Sep 2006 15:51:16


Susi my love, 

On my way to Western Union right now. I am very sorry to upset you honey, I know this is not a game. I just want you so much to be in Ireland with me so we can have a nice time and watching of moving. 

I will write back later to let you know what they say. 

Willonzo 
XXX

 

 

From: "Barrister Abdullahi Djallo"  
Subject: Greetings. 
Date: Wed,  6 Sep 2006 16:11:13

 

 

ATTENTION MR.WILLONZO TERRABYTE O'NUALAIN

YOU MUST BE A CLAWN !

YOURS SINCERELY
ABDULLAHI DJALLO
AMDYCHAMBERS,DAKAR-SENEGAL.

 

 

From: "Willonzo O'Nualain"  
Subject: RE: Greetings. 
Date: Wed, 06 Sep 2006 16:20:00

 

Lawyer: 

I cannot reply as I am busy trying to get your payment transferred. Please wait for further instructions which will be forwarded in the form of language (written). 

Yours 
Willonzo 

PS Would you like to go dancing sometime?

 
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