29 March, 2008
24 March, 2008
21 March, 2008
ATTENTION MR.WILLONZO TERRABYTE O'NUALAIN
WHILE I WAIT FOR YOU TO SEND ME FURTHER TRANSACTION DETAILS, I DEMAND THAT YOU SHOULD FORWARD ME A SCAN COPY OF YOUR IDENTITY, DIRECT TELEPHONE NUMBER THROUGH WHICH I CAN REACH YOU TO BE SURE OF WHOM I AM WORKING FOR. I AM BEGINNING TO LOOSE INTEREST IN THIS ASSIGNMENT AND I CAN ONLY ACCEPT TO CONTINUE IF YOU CAN ENDEAVOUR TO FORDWARD YOUR EITHER YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE OR AN INTERNATIONAL PASSORT.
Holy Reverend of the Black Arts who looks down on me from heaven and blesses me and sends angels to remind me to tape my favourite programmes:
Rev, I have always relied on you to help me in times of spiritual crisis and I am afraid this is one of those times.
The problem is, I have promised my dear Susi that I will help her escape the camp (as you well know, do not feign ignorance with me you crafty preacher), but I have hit a snag. When I went to the Western Union office to transfer the money, a man standing outside told me to spend my money on a sheep with five legs. (Such animals are rare in my country and demand a high price - an excellent and wise investment in anyone's language (mine is Swedish) and therefore a must-buy.)
The man’s sheep had a price tag exactly equal to the sum asked of me by THE LAWYER. I realised the great profit to be made on this purchase and so bought the sheep there and then. I would have more money to buy my Susi-doll a nice Hoover! Upon closer inspection however, I deduced that the creature was in fact a poodle with an erection - an animal that can be bought / sold for EUR10 at any fast food outlet.
Now I am undone! I was forced to send whatever funds I had remaining in my account (not much) to the lawyer. Now the lawyer is angry that he has not received the full sum. Also, the loan shark I borrowed the money from (you remember Fisty Magee don't you? Or did I tell you about him? Aha, nearly caught you out there) is anxious for me to repay my debt or he will break my wrists, which I need for typing absurd emails and performing other essential tasks.
And I have just been informed that I need to ask the lawyer to return the box of Cadbury's Flakes sent to him by Western Union as they accidentally filled the box with poisonous spiders. (Also, they don't like him.)
Please Rev, can you give me advice? I am DESPERATE!!! Susi is very unhappy with me and I am afraid she might do something silly and drink too much weed killer. Can you help us find another lawyer? One who will work for FREE? Or at least one who will not shout at me.
Waiting for your response to lift up my soul and rid me of the anxiety caused by the steadily thickening plot,
Willonzo Ulysses O'Nualáin
PS All Bow and Hail Santa
Dear Mr. Omar,
I have spent the day in an opium den researching our future investment opportunity and I have come to the conclusion that A) narcotics are an excellent investment, B) they are best sold instead of used and 4) I have a slight liquidity issue at present.
CAN YOU PLEASE FORWARD ME INFO / BROCHURES ON YOUR SHORT TERM LOANS? I do not require a huge sum and you can use the US$3.7m as collateral if you wish.
Please revert to me with rates, offers etc. ASAP and immediately (by next week). Do not say that you were warned.
Your Willonzo baby
PS What are you doing Friday night? I know a little Italian place, great atmosphere, nice wine. Call me.
Hoi there Susi,
I am Bob Geldof. My friend Bono is the leader of the rock group The U2 and he has alerted me to your situation in the refugee camp in Dakar Senegal, roight (roish)?
I have been in these camps myself loike, so I know how awful they are - no running water, rats, only one PC for every five people and broadband service without providing your own free homepage. This has always seemed unacceptable to me, so I am going to do something to help.
I am setting up a GIANT ROCK concert, which I am going to call SCAM-AID or maybe even SUSI-AID. All the major rock bands of the world will take part (except The U2), including Phil Collins, Human League, Spandau Ballet and even Boney M. I will sing "Tell Me Why..." It will be ledge.
In order for this to take place though, I will need you to send me US$3,899.00 in order to draw up legal papers for the Dakar high court loike. Can you please transfer these funds via Western Union ASAP.
I have to go now as Tiger Lily is putting spoons and forks in the microwave oven.
Your new best friend,
From: "Dr. Elie E Saleeby" firstname.lastname@example.org
Subject: Who yo Daddy??
Date: Fri, 08 Sep 2006 00:40:20
Fuck offffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff you
18 March, 2008
From : Willonzo O'Nualain
Sent : Wednesday, September 6, 2006 7:58 AM
Subject : Lament for Stumpy Magoo
Esteemed Reverend Pedrol,
Date: Wed, 6 Sep 2006 15:21:12
PS a MILLION hAND plUS. FOR YOU And YouR gAME THAnks ALoTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT ByEEEEEEEEEEEEE
It is good you go to western uion you Better do bye