If only the ould Christian Brothers had known about Brain Buttons...
28 April, 2008
21 April, 2008
Hillary Clinton Stimulated by Proximity to Natalie Portman
No further comment required. Thanks to Drop-out Boy.
15 April, 2008
Objective Ministries: You Know, For Kids!
Okay, while we're at it, why not check out this here cyber-locality. This is one of the given examples of Poe's Law, the idea that it's difficult to distinguish between parodied fundamentalism and the proper crazy kind; my money's on parody, but then again, you never know.
Check out the rest of the site while you're there, the orbital crucifix is worth the price of admission alone.
Science + Ology = HAPPY! (Please insert credit card to continue)
I was surfing YouTube this evening looking for assorted videos of Asian ladies doing odd things with calamari (average Tuesday night then really) when I came across a large ad on someone's channel for this website, a promotional page for a certain group with certain over-excitable movie star members. A certain group that claims psychiatry is evil and an extension of nazism. (I recently met a catholic who held these exact views and she was clearly a paranoid schizophrenic. But that's another story.) A certain group which I'm not sure I can actually name for fear of legal action. I think you get the idea.
I've been poking around the old system of pipes and tubes that we call the cyber-webs for a good few years now and I've never seen an ad like this anywhere before. And I wonder why it's taken this long for these ads to permeate my consciousness (granted I have developed pop-up fatigue and banner blindness from all my years of porn trolling, so I may have just missed them up till now). But now I know; they're coming for me.
Well, might as well quit now while I'm ahead. I'm off down Abbey Street in the morning for a free stress test.
But first, on a completely unrelated topic...
13 April, 2008
A Data Processor, Yesterday.
Just to remind you that I have a job. That I go to most days. Except for this week, where I pulled a sickie. I woke up on Thursday morning and thought, shag it, I'm not going in. "What's wrong with you?" asks my boss when I ring in (at around half ten, after I've woken up).
"Uh, migraine," I say.
"You can't work with a migraine then, no?" he says.
"Well, no," I say. I've never actually had a migraine, but I gather they're pretty brutal.
"Are you sure now?" He's not giving up. "Isn't that just a bit like a headache or something?"
"Yes, I'm sure," I say. "I'm in a lot of pain here!" Ignorant prick; it's probably the long hours he's been making me work that's given me this non-existent migraine in the first place.
"Okay," he says, "but remember you have that presentation on Monday that you have to prepare for..."
What an asshole! My skull's about to split open and spew out its contents onto the phone table and he's talking about a fucking presentation? So I didn't go in on Friday either. That'll show 'em.
12 April, 2008
The Doctor Is In
Exile that medical encyclopedia and throw that GP on the fire; all your medical problems can be remedied here!
Have the team of experts at ABC Homeopathy diagnose your genital expectoration today! NB: No actual remedies supplied or suggested. (Credit to Crap Based Medicine.)
Indecision '08: He Called Her a What??!
Check out this exposé of Republican presidential candidate John McCain over at RawStory.com. Apparently, old Johnny's fond of the cuss words. In fairness, most men are a little sensitive about receding hairlines and such, so she was asking for it if you want my opinion. Besides, even back in '92 McCaine must have been about 83 years old, so we can safely put that down to dementia and leave it at that.
Now that this has come out, I'm almost hoping McCaine wins the election. I want to hear him call Gordon Brown a "cock-knocker" on Fox News. (With thanks to Drop-out Boy for the link.)
10 April, 2008
Herald Highlight
Hot off the presses, today's Herald AM had something just a little bit special for all of us bored commuters and office drones:
Now, I've suspected for a while now that the good people at Herald AM have been specifically designing their front page to catch my attention and gain further exposure on this wildly popular and loquaciously written blog. And now I'm sure of it. This is the kind of mentalism that fully justifies a full page headline (though no story till page 6). And the photo... It's a newspaper man's dream (or woman's) when the nutter in question shows up to court dressed as the midget out of the Krankees.
04 April, 2008
Return of Scambaiting: Mad Simon Says Hi
Willonzo returns with this second bite at the apple for the put-upon Susi Saleeby...
Subject: hi
Date: Thu, 21 Sep 2006 22:17:23
hi Susi!
i really appreciated your message! do you want to chat?
simon x
Subject: I want to know about you
Date: Mon, 25 Sep 2006 21:13:26
Hello My Dearest Simon,
I am more than happy in your reply to my mail.Anyway i wish to briefly introduce myself to you. i am a young girl and the daughter of a well known person in my country.My name is Miss Susi Saleeby from Liberia in West Africa,I am just about 24 years old,5ft.7inches 60kg weight. light in complexion and speak english.i love sport out, going activities, watching of moving, shopping, walking etc.(never married before )How was your day?,Mine is a little bit hot over here in Dakar Senegal,because i am presently residing in the refugee camp here in Dakar as a result of the Crises that happened right in my Country.
Well we shall discuss further on our relationship when i receive your reply to this letter to you.,i will be more than happy to get reply to my mail.Meanwhile my father was late Dr. Elie E. Saleeby, Governor and Chairman of (CBL)Central Bank of Liberia, before the rebels attacked our house one fateful early morning got every one Assasinated while i escape with my father to come to Dakar.It is only my father and me that was alive and we managed to make our way to nearby country here Senegal where we where leaving before my father's death,And full of sorrow and help especially for life and to be loved.
However,i would like to know more about you.Your likes and dislikes, your hobbies and what you are doing presently.I will tell more about myself in my next mail.
Attached here is my picture though l am not photo but l want you to take me as l am ok.kindly try and let us talk deeply cos' there's many thing that we can actually discuss as well for you to kindly try and help me get out of the Camp.
As i wait to hear from you soon
My great regards with love and trust.
Miss Susi.
[PICTURE OF SUSI]
Subject: RE: I want to know about you
Date: Mon, 25 Sep 2006 22:14:08
Susi
allow me to introduce myself properly and correctly. i am Simon Chicanery, i am 40 years old. i live in a field near the town of fishbourne just off the A3054 on the isle of white, united kingdom, england. i live in a field, within which is a luxury apartment block in which i live in. i am 43 years old and i am not married, i.e. i have NO wife. i live alone in my luxury apartment block in my field in which no one else lives in. except the sheep. i have attached a picture of myself, but also i am not very photogenic. i am the one on the right.
i very much liked your picture, you are very beauteous even though i usually like asians. they have lovely long dark hair and olive skin, i have many pictures from the internet if you want em. but you look almost as good.
i am very sorry about your father, when did he die? he sounds very interesting, what kind of doctor was he? i have a skin condition which requires constant medical attention so i meet with many doctors professionally and socially, and i am very well to do so money is not a problem. i also enjoy bowls. what kind of sports do you like?
-s
[PICTURE OF FAT BALD OLD MAN WITH SHEEP]
Subject: This is my full life story with love & trust.
Date: Tue, 26 Sep 2006 15:55:27
Hello My Dearest Simon
How are you today?
This is my full life story,Meanwhile l hope you are fine?if so thanks be to God almighty how was your day i guess it is well, Anyway for me my day is a little bit hot over here in Dakar Senegal.ln the refugee Camp we find it hard to go out because we are not allowed to do so,its just like one staying in the prison and l hope by God's grace l will come out here soon.
We don't have any relatives now whom we can go to all our relatives ran away in the middle of the war the only person we have now is Rev.Pedrol Dominic who is the pastor of the (Christ the king of Churches) here in the camp he has been very good to me since l came here but l am not living with him rather l am living in the women's hostel because the camp have two hostels one for men the other for women.
The Pastor's Tel number is (00221-554-74-16) if you call and tell him that you want to speak with me he will send for me in the hostel.As a refugee here i don't have any right or privilege to any thing be it money or whatever because it is against the law of this country.I want to go back to my studies because i only attended my first year before the tragic incident that lead to my being in this situation now took place.
Honey,please l would like you to know that l have my late father's statement of account and death certificate here with me which l will like to send to you to assist me,because when he was alive he deposited some amount of money in a leading bank here in Senegal.which he used my name as the next of kin. The amount in question is $3.7(Three Million Seven Hundred Thousand Dollars).
So l will like you to assist me transfer this money to your account and from it you can send some money for me to get my traveling documents and air ticket to come over to meet with you. I have got intouch with this bank in mail and made them to know about my plan of withdraw this money,l also got them aware of the death of my father and they have acknowledged it with all there confirmation.
However,they advise me to get in touch with a very responsible person who will stand on my behalf as my trustee as regards to this money since l am presently of refugee status over here and wouldn't be permitted to handle this amount of money, they also let me know about the bond which they signed with my father that the money will be handled to me in bulk amount which means that l should decide on if l should continue with the bank or not.I just have to let you know about this so that you can assist me to be my trustee on this money.like l said l want you to call me because l have alot to tell you.
l kept this secret to people in the camp here the only person that knows about it is the Reverend because he is like a father to me,a,d please let it be a confidencial,you don't have to tell anybody about it for our security reasons.
Have a nice time and think about me. my dear, this is the email address of the Reverend (house4grace@minister.com and house4grace_minister@yahoo.com)you i saw your picture you look sweet and healthy i love it, l hope to hear from you soonest.
My great regards
Miss Susi
with love,trust.& Kisses
Subject: RE: This is my full life story with love & trust.
Date: Tue, 26 Sep 2006 23:53:49
my dearly beloved Susi
i am fine today, thank you for asking. i am very sorry and aroused to hear about your inconvenient and oddly familiar predicament in the refugee camp in Dakar Senegal. i am interested to hear you are not allowed to leave the camp or go outside ever, as only last week i came across a young lady whose car had broken down on the A3054 on the Isle of Man near my field in which my luxury apartment block has been built. i very kindly invited her to climb into the back of my truck and took her back to my luxury 8th floor apartment where i subsequently allowed her to sleep in the pit in my basement and didn't let her out and lowered her food in a basket using a pulley system so that she never saw my face at any stage (just in case) and eventually she came to like it there or at least i think she did as i've not heard a peep from her in the last couple of days. :-)
in short, you may find that you will come to like your new way of life in the refugee camp, there are certainly worse places believe me. however, if you decide you wish to find out what these things are, you may use my bank account to transfer your father's savings. i will not sped the money as i am loaded already.
Banco Islandé de Guernsey
Subject: full bank details in full
Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2006 19:17:11 +0100
Susi old girl
very sorry for rudely breaking off mid-sentence last night, but there was a small emergency here in my luxury tenth floor penthouse apartment. as i was typing out my bank details for you in my email, i heard a ruckus brewing in the vicinity of my kitchen. for a moment i thought maybe that there was an intruder in the building trying to make off with my priceless collection of action man pelvises (1975-1982, the ones with the blue y-fronts).
i looked up from my computer at the writing desk - it's a lovely edwardian piece with a custom-made inlay made from discarded children’s' milk teeth - to see Gareth my pet sheep running towards me. he tried to bolt between my legs, causing me to unbalance and fall against the desk knocking the computer onto the floor. the resulting carnage and slaughter of Gareth meant that my email was both cut short and sent to you prematurely. how tragic! so now i present to you my bank details in full:
Banco Islandé de Guernsey
Absurdity Gardens, Fishwad
SUX46548
ENGLAND
Account holder: Simon Judith Chicanery
Bank Sorting Banking Codification (for Bank use): 79-6543
Plausible Account number: 548765434821-546848-A
i hope this is enough information for you to act. if not please let me know and i shall supply to you whatever your dear little reptilian heart desires.
also, if you wish to send me your father's death cert and bank statement, please send them to me, Mr. Simon Chicanery, "care of" the bank above. i would appreciate some light reading, also i have run out of lav paper.
i hope also that we can get to know each other better and more closely. to tell you more about me, i am 46 years old, i am white, i am bald, i am fat, i have sheep. the sheep live in my field. there are no indigenous sheep in ENGLAND so i need to have them shipped in from north korea. sometimes i like to let them into the luxury apatrment complex in which i live in and allow them to wander the apartments and take up residence in rooms of their own choice. i then grow a full beard and pretend to be basil faulty and that the luxury apartment complex is a hotel and that the sheep are the guests and that gareth is connie booth. i go through more sheep that way i can tell you!!!
i very much enjoy bowls and curling. what kind of sports do you like?
kiss kiss
-simon
Bertieland No More
Richard Nixon, Saddam Hussein and now, Bertie. A nation mourns the impending loss of one of its shiftiest statesmen. As has been suggested already, I fully support the declaration of May 6th as a national day of celebration. My only concern is that militant factions of Fianna Fáil will exploit the power vacuum, resulting in civil unrest among the proletariat. I'm prepared though; I have a schooner docked in Dun Laoghaire Harbour, ready to speed me to the Isle of Whight at the first signs of trouble.
By the way, ever hand in your notice in a job only to have your boss say "It's all right, you can leave now." Well, we taxpayers are Bertie's employer. And I see no reason why he should have to work out his notice. Again, just a suggestion.
And while we're on the subject, I might as well point out yet another Herald Highlight (TM) from this week's freesheet:
This says it all doesn't it? I mean, the shock announcement of his resignation should have been anticipated given the outlandish desperate measures Bertie's resorted to this week. Not having read the story, I can only imagine a coven of Fianna Fáil occult adepts swathed in black robes chanting over the sarcophagus of the dead Haughey in an attempt to bring his evil spirit back from the other side. When CJ finally makes his appearance, he points a whispy, spectral finger at Ahern. "You were always a cute hoor, Bertie," he rasps, "but you're fucked now."
I only hope the tribunal doesn't ease up on him now; I want to see him whipped through the streets of Portlaoise...
Evil Atheist Conspiracy Strikes Again
Those insane and malignant creationism-denialism-ists have been at it again, brazenly sneaking their Supreme Heathen Commander into a private screening of the most anticipated motion-picture event this side of the rapture. Not Transformers 2 (though I've already booked tickets for that), but GOD's own feature film on how he designed all the birdies and the fishes and the plants and so on,
Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed. (Any irony contained in said title being completely accidental, of course.)
03 April, 2008
THEATRE ALERT: The Importance of Being Earnest
Like the theatre? No? Why not, stupid? If you admit to disliking theatre, you mark yourself out as an intellectual lightweight and risk the derision of your highbrow peers. Take it from me, if you want to get on in life, you have to have seen at least one play in your adult life. And I mean sit through the whole thing quietly, without texting your moron friends or reading some brainless celeb magazine. And pay attention; you'll be expected to make observations afterwards. A complete lack of insight into the play's subtext will give the game away, and the Brights will know you for what you are, a cheap fraud.
Now, I know this seems like an insurmountable task to your little brains. What play should I go to? Where do they have plays? Do they sell booze there? And so on. So I'll tell you what. I'll make it a bit easier for you. You should go to see The Importance of Being Earnest in Wesley Hall, Leeson Park (near Lesson Street Bridge). It starts tonight and finishes on Saturday. It was written by Oscar Wilde, who was considerably smarter than you. And no, there won't be booze there, you'll just have to be patient.
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