Ireland's Other

Subject: Thinking of you

Date: Mon, 2 Oct 2006 11:17:33

Hello honey, How are you today? I guess it is well if so thanks be to God almighty.How was your weekend i hope you do enjoy it well if so thanks be to God almighty.

Honey i want to know if you have contacted with the Bank if not please try to contact them to know what we have to do next.honey what kind of language did you use to write to my revrend?please tell.

As i wait to hear from you soon.

My great regards

Miss susi with love & trust.

From: "BANK OF AFRICA SENEGAL"

To: "Simon Chicanery"

Subject: Confirm receipt

Date: Mon, 02 Oct 2006 14:08:12

Bank Of Africa Senegal(BOASE)

39,Av.Leopold Sedar Senghor,

Dakar Senegal.West Africa.

Tel: 00 221 368 1543

Fax: 00 221 892 4845

Attn:Mr.Simon Chicanery.

In view of your request for claims, closure and transfer of a deposited US$3.7M on behalf of Mss.Susi Saleeby whom is the recognised next of kin to our late customer Dr Elie E. Saleeby. Investigation has been conducted and your information coincided with those in our record based on the report from our payment verification board.

Be informed that before further transfer process can be effected in your favour as our banking ethic states, we need to receive the following documents from the court of Senegal precisely, to prove legally that you have been mandated by Mss Susi Saleeby.

(1) Forward a scaned copy of your identity and carefully fill the attached questionnaire form.

(2) A letter of administration notorised in Dalar and an affidavit of oat/support from high court of Senegal.

individuals or some other distance relation, who might have had access to his/her privacy.

On receipt of the above requirements by e-mail attachment, we shall verify them and once we are satisfied, we shall process your file and effect the transfer without further delay. Thanks for your co-operation.

Yours faithfully,

Mr.Omar Ndiaye.

Foreign operations & International Remittance Dept.

(Bank of Africa Senegal,Dakar-Senegal)

___________________________________________________

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From: "Simon Chicanery"

To: house4grace@minister.com

Subject: deepest heartfelt apologising

Date: Mon, 02 Oct 2006 19:03:19

A SALAMA LACHEM OH REVERED CLERIC:

first let me start by offering my most sincere sorriness for my unfortunate email of friday night last. you see, i had been celebrating the outcome of my court case (i arsenised the evidence lab) and ended up drinink large quantities of babycham and mr sheen in the field in which i live in with my sheep. it was in this inebriated state that i sent you this mail. please disregard and wipe from your memory anything i may have said (i have managed this already). if i said anything about trapping a young boy in a well in my field, this was a joke. please do not send it to the police. again i apologise from the heart of my bottom etc.

i am glad we are friends reverend. i hope that when we become closer we will be able to discuss sensitive matters that i cannot discuss with anyone else. WILL YOU COME AND VISIT ME ON MY FIELD ON THE ISLE OF WIGHT IN ENGLAND IN THE UK?

please let me know asap.

-simon

From: "Simon Chicanery"

To: boase@sanfranmail.com

Subject: URGENT: PLEASE REPLY POST HASTE!!!

Date: Mon, 02 Oct 2006 19:07:03

Mr Omar:::

what are you doing? you are having a lough? i cannot read the attachment you have sent me. this is UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOUR. i demand you transfer the funds IMMEDIATELY.

-simon

ps kudos for understanding this request relates to the afore mentioned funds, as my previous mail was somewhat scant of detail. you must have ESPN.

From: "Simon Chicanery"

Subject: MR. CHICANERY IN THE MYSTERY OF THE AFFRONTED CLERGYMAN

Date: Mon, 02 Oct 2006 19:33:00

miss susi:

oh dear, thank you for letting me know about the mail to the reverend - i was so pissed i had forgotten all about it. i must have been completely wankered! i do not know what i said in the mail. was the reverend ANGRY?? i hope i did not offend him to a fatal degree. i have already sent him a mail to say sorry. please tell him from me that i have not lost respect for him.

oh susi, i love you so. i can't wait for you to be here with me in my luxury apartment building in the field in which i live in. oh the fun we will have chasing my little sheep Zsa Zsa around the field before i bludgeon you with a blunt instrument, possibly an oak bucket or a tree trunk fragment. then i will lower your unconscious body into the pit in my basement and pass lotion down to you in a basket so that you may keep your skin nice and soft for me. that reminds me, what dress size do you wear? i am getting very excited about it, i may go for a walk on the moors later. i quite like bowls and labrador riding, what kind of sports do you like?

-s

kissy kissy for my missie

From: "Susi"

Reply-To: susi_saleeby@myway.com

Subject: thinking of you

Date: Tue, 3 Oct 2006 15:08:28

Hello honey, Thanks for your mail i am glad to hear from you and to read your mail that you have send a mail to the revrend for Appology thanks alot for that,you know he is the only person that is helping me here in Senegal becuase he knows that i am a foreigner here in Senegal so he take me as his children,not that he was Angry you know being a father that he is he knows how to handle things like that he only told me you send him some mail and use a words that he did not understand, why he was saying this is becuase i told him that really i have falling inlove with you right from the very day i started writing to you evern before you send your picture so for the reason he want the best fore me so if he see ant thing that will hot me he whould want me to put myhand into it,so please honey you have to promise me that you will not dissapoint me when i got to your country and that you will take proper care of me to start a new life and continue my education.Meanwhile i guess

you have heard from the Bank please let me know the rquirement so that we know the next step to take.Again i will like you to buy me jeans wear for my travelling when i come over then we can both go for shopping.The kind of sport i like is foot ball,sweaming,basket ball. etc. Anyway honey get back to me as soon as possible to know what the bank said if you have contacted them.thinking of you.As i wait to hear from you soon.My great regards.Miss Susi Saleeby with love and trust.

From: "BANK OF AFRICA SENEGAL"

To: "Simon Chicanery"

Subject: Confirm receipt of the form

Date: Tue, 03 Oct 2006 20:33:17

Bank Of Africa Senegal(BOASE)

39,Av.Leopold Sedar Senghor,

Dakar Senegal.West Africa.

Tel: 00 221 368 1543

Fax: 00 221 892 4845

Attn:Mr.Simon Chicanery.

We sincerely apologise for the failure of the attached file to appear in your message. In view of your request for claims, closure and transfer of a deposited US$3.7M on behalf of Mss.Susi Saleeby whom is the recognised next of kin to our late customer Dr Elie E. Saleeby. Investigation has been conducted and your information coincided with those in our record based on the report from our payment verification board.

(1) Forward a scaned copy of your identity and carefully fill the attached questionnaire form.

(2) A letter of administration notorised in Dakar and a sworn affidavit from high court of Senegal.

We hope that you will understand that our request for the above documents and information are part of our security protocols to avoid fraudlent claims or an unwarranted taking advantage of our customer's by some individuals or some other distance relation, who might have had access to his/her privacy.

Yours faithfully,

Mr.Omar Ndiaye.

Foreign operations & International Remittance Dept.

(Bank of Africa Senegal,Dakar-Senegal)

From: "Rev. Pedrol Dominic"

To: "Simon Chicanery"

Subject: Blessing from Rev.Pedrol.

Date: Tue, 03 Oct 2006 19:13:30

Each and everyone one of us are going through tough times right now, but God is getting ready to bless you in a way that only He can. Keep the faith.

My instructions were to pick four (4) people that I wanted God to bless, and I picked you. Please pass this to at least four (4) people you want to be blessed and a copy back to me.

This prayer is powerful, and prayer is one of the best gifts we receive. There is no cost but a lot of rewards. Let's continue to pray for one another.

The prayer: Father, I ask You to bless my friends, relatives and those that I care deeply for, who are reading this right now. Show them a new revelation of Your love and power. Holy Spirit, I ask You to minister to their spirit at this very moment. Where there is pain, give them Your peace and mercy. Where there is self-doubt, release a renewed confidence through Your grace. Where there is need, I ask you to fulfill their needs. Bless their homes, families, finances, their goings and their comings. In Jesus' precious name. Amen.

(If the Lord lays upon your heart to send this to more than four "4" people, you are truly blessed).

Rev.Pedrol Dominic.

From: "Rev.Pedrol Dominic."

To: Simon Chicanery

Subject: Respond from Rev.Pedrol Dominic

Date: Tue, 3 Oct 2006 15:58:34

CHRIST THE KING CHURCH,

DAKAR PARISH.

RUE, 587 LIBERTE II.

DAKAR-SENEGAL.

Peace of the Lord be with you Mr Simon chicanery,I wish to inform you that your apology was accepted by me,i know that you where a kind of tension the way you write that mail,according to your first mail it sounded good so when i saw this other one i know some thing was wrong the way you sound,i pray over it,i have forgotting it all.

Nevertheless i will advice you that you try to help Miss Susi out of Africa because the way she is talking about you is like you are her God sent and she is diply inlove with you why i have to let you know this is because i have called her to interview her about you,she told me good of you that you want to bring her to the UK. and secure a resident permit for her and make her to have a good education and so on.

Mr.Simon chicanery i will be happy to see that you help her out of here with her money in the bank to start a new life with you over there.

God will continue to direct your step and Bless You as you help the needys.

Remen Bless.

Rev.Pedrol Dominic

CHRIST THE KING CHURCHES

DAKAR-SENEGAL.

From: "Simon Chicanery"

To: house4grace_minister@yahoo.com

Subject: RE: Respond from Rev.Pedrol Dominic

Date: Tue, 03 Oct 2006 19:43:59

hey rev

thanks for your merciful forgiveness. and yes i love helping the needys. so... do you think you would like to come and visit me? have you thought about it? i'd love to see you. what are you wearing right now? are you wearing a collar? do you think i could put it on when you come over? i'd like that. we could go dancing, i know a great club near fishbourne on the A3450. we could eat oysters and drink champagne and then go to a dogfight club. do you like bloodsports? tell me more about you, i think you're fantastic.

hopefully

-simon

George Lucas and the Raped Childhoods of Millions

2008-05-25T11:50:00.006+01:00

Last night I went to see Indiana Jones and the Principality of the Pointless Plot-device. And well, if Lucas raped my childhood with the Star Wars prequels, then maybe he only indecently assaulted it with this pile of dreck.

Yeah, I would characterise this more as Lucas coming over to visit, missing his last train, and bedding down on the couch only to furtively sneak into my childhood's bedroom at 3am to give it a quick fondle, then realising my childhood is actually getting on a bit in years and he doesn't really fancy it anymore, returning to the couch to sleep it off and waking up next morning with a hangover, remembering nothing. Lucas will go on with his life, making films and TV shows, earning millions on merchandising rights, while my childhood is forever scarred with shame and self-loathing, probably ending up turning to drugs, then prostitution and, ultimately, suicide.

I hope you're happy, Lucas.

Okay, so maybe I'm going overboard comparing a film to the horrors of child abuse, but it can't be far off. For those of us who grew up with the original movies in the 80's, The Kingdom of the Crystalline Cranium is a big disappointment. It's overlong, underwritten, tedious and filled to the brim with CGI rather than the practical stunts and effects of the originals which Spielberg had promised. Most attempts at humour fall flat on their face. Also, and most egregiously, its subject matter is completely incongruous with the established canon.

The film deals with (SPOILER ALERT) aliens. What is it with aliens these days? The Indie franchise is the second major worldwide institution this month to ponder extraterrestrial life despite a prior obsession with religious nonsense...

All the same, it's still in the top 4 Indiana Jones movies of all time. Though it comes a distant fourth behind the racist overtones of Temple of Doom.

Oops / Phew...

2008-05-19T23:13:00.002+01:00

I posted this a while ago, thinking I was being stalked in a peculiarly passive-aggressive manner by the Church of Scientology. I am simultaneously relieved and a little disappointed to say the comment in question was not left by "anonymous" (some creepy Travolta-obsessed guy sitting smeared in his own faeces beneath a giant poster of L Ron), but by Anonymous.

Okay, so I was aware of Anonymous, but it was an easy mistake to make. And I'm in full support of spreading the word on dangerous cults (Catholics next lads, right?). Here's some lies from that guy what that bloke on Panorama shouted at:

WWII a Gay Conspiracy, says Right Wing Christian Fundie

2008-05-19T22:50:00.005+01:00

Yes, it's another example of Poe's Law. Except anyone who wrote this as parody is seriously fucked up! Mind you, even if it's not parody, it's still evidence of a depraved fantasy life on the part of the imaginative authors. I was especially struck by the following passage:

"The "Butch" homosexual guards and capos were capable of unrestrained cruelty, sadism and savagery. A guard at Auschwitz, for instance, strangled, crushed and gnawed to death as many as 100 boys and young men a day while raping them at his leisure."

Leisure? Leisure??! That sound like bloody hard work to me!! 100 boys in a day?? That is truly herculean! Actually, reminds me a bit of this guy...

Scientology Update

2008-05-15T22:30:00.002+01:00

I recently posted this here nugget about a supposed contract one must sign before being allowed to be in the movie-stars-and-delusionals-only club (which shall not be named for fear of their terrible litigious reputation). (Oh shit, I already named them in the subject line. Oh well, maybe they won't notice.)

Well! If I didn't get a helpful little comment! (All too rare, these comments. I think maybe my massive readership are a bit intimidated by my scathing wit and obvious intellect.) This comment was kind enough to direct me to the nearest Church of Sientology Mission, you know the one, on Abbey Street where the guy used to ask you if you wanted a free personality test. Apparently they hold meetings there which are accessible by the great unwashed, and the one detailed in the comments section was last Saturday at 11am.

I'm not sure how to take this, frankly. Was this a helpful hint from a fellow civilian, pointing me towards what may have been a richly informative morning activity? Or was it one of those freaky brainwashed individuals you see on YouTube shouting at innocent ashtrays?

I may never know. You see, I just recently overcame my issues with the Sony corporation and bought a Playstation 3 with GTA4. And now I don't leave the house besides to go to work. So you see, I missed that meeting last weekend... But I'm kinda sorry I did. While I'm not the joiner type myself and frankly know more than enough to have put me off the idea already, I'd still be interested to sit in and watch the happenings anonymously. And then blog about them. Ah well, maybe next time the Church of Christian Science will get in touch, they sound like loopers as well.

Catholic Church Enters Its Sci-Fi Phase

2008-05-14T20:00:00.003+01:00

Link. And the burning question on every jesuit's mind now is: Is Mr. Spock free from original sin??

News just in: The Vatican Space Agency will be sending a five-priest mission in search of Space Angels from Mars.

Scambaiting: I Lives With Sheep, I Does

2008-05-03T09:11:00.001+01:00

From: "Simon Chicanery"

To: house4grace@minister.com

CC: house4grace_minister@yahoo.com

Subject: susi saleeby

Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2006 19:31:51

dearest Reverend

i know we haven't met and you do not know who i am nor have you ever heard of me before nor have we ever spoken or corresponded by email in the past under any other assumed identity, but i have recently made contact by mail with a young girl named SUSI SALEEBY.

she has advised me that you are an acquaintance of hers and that you may act as a character reference for her and assure me that she is indeed the daughter of the late esteemed dr. elie saleeby whom i have read about on the interweb and not some random west african tealeaf. please tell me of your relationship with the girl and tell me about her - what size is she? i have some special garments i should like her to wear should she ever visit me in the isle of dogs.

kindest regards and meaningless platitudes

-simon chicanery

From: "Susi"

Reply-To: susi_saleeby@myway.com

Subject: Thinking of you

Date: Fri, 29 Sep 2006 16:25:30

Hello My Dearest Simon,

How are you today?

I guess it is well if so thanks be to God almighty.honey please i want to know if you did reveived the last mail i send to you with the bank contact of my late father account in Senegal?if no please do let me know so that i can resend it again to you so that you can contact the bank on my behalf,thinking of you.

As i wait to hear from you soon.

My great regards

Miss Susi

with love & trust.

From: "Simon Chicanery"

Subject: RE: Thinking of you

Date: Fri, 29 Sep 2006 23:33:51

Susi i fokking love yuo

i been drin kin a long time today an i decided you the girl for me i love you so fokkin much

i got up this mornin and went out into the field in which i live in and found one of my sheep and said gopod mornin an it was nice like usual but it wweren't as fokkin good as i ninow you an i would nbe togteher i fookin lobve you soo fojkkin miuc yioup;lre the fokin besft bettr than all the rest i jst want you to come her eand live me on the isle of whit e and we coud raise sheeps togethre and be hapy

i so sotrty i aint ben mailin you the last day or so cos i been busy buryin that girl what i did founed on the A3540 near my luxurty apartymnet blokx in the filed with all og korean asian sdheeps

i wan tto do nothin else tahn hepl you ghet out of that fokkin camp and come over hearr live wiht me in my luxury apatrment buildign

i fokkin lobe yuo

-sinom

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

From: "Simon Chicanery"

To: house4grace@minister.com

Subject: RE: Respond from Rev.Pedrol Dominic

Date: Fri, 29 Sep 2006 23:38:03

dare rwb

i aint no fokkin moron, i fokkin now the bilbe

god knwos i fokkin done some fokkin bad thnigs wehn i been on the moors late at nihgt an seeen some gril drivin in some landrevor wtah broked down and suhc an had me way wiht hre labradorrrsds

but fok;s sake i do loveb my dere SUSI

plees let her nkow tat

-siomnn

xxxxxxxxxxx

From: "Simon Chicanery"

Subject: RE: Thinking of you

Date: Fri, 29 Sep 2006 23:59:49

i hoep yuo knowe i fokkin love you

i lockde the sheep out tonihgt for you

-s

xxxxxxxxxxx

From: "Simon Chicanery"

Subject: sorry

Date: Sat, 30 Sep 2006 12:07:00

Susi

i am so sorry about last night. that was no kind of language to use in the company of a lady. i apologise. the truth is i was celebrating yesterday as i was acquitted due to lack of evidence. the boy's family was not happy but i was over the moon so i went down the pub called the ARSE AND TROMBONE and drank PIMS and SCHNAPS for 12 hours.

as for contacting the bank, i will do that STRAIGHT RIGHT AWAY. don't you worry my pet, we'll have you out of that filthy dangerous place in no time. would you like to come and visit me when you're out? you can stay in my pit, or as i like to call it, my murderhole. i promise to be nice and not to swear. i like bowls and olympic stabbing, what kind of sports do you like?

-simon

xxx

From: "Susi"

Reply-To: susi_saleeby@myway.com

Subject: Thinking of you.

Date: Sat, 30 Sep 2006 14:05:00

Hello My Dearest Simon,

I was surprise when i read your first & second mail of yesterday,but when i saw today mail it was then i know that is like you felt on top the world and was very happy yesterday,Anyway your apology is accepted,you know at time is good for one to have fun becuase is a free world.

Meanwhile i would have love to come over to your country as soon as i am out from this Camp,but i have to let you know this as i did not have an international passport or any valid documents for travelling this are my handicap why i need your assistant to help me make the transfer of my late father fund to your account over there in your country there you can send me some money to get my documents prepared for my traveling to come to your country to start a new life there.

Again i ,have to tell you this please promise me that you will not dissapoint me as i am falling inlove with you, i am promissing you that i will not dissapoint you in life,i am ready to spend all the rest of my life with you and i will be honest to you in every area in life as i did not have any other person around me.

please honey try to contact the bank and tell them that you are my Truistee/Foreign partner & beneficiary that you want to know the possibilities of transfering my father's money to your personal account in your country.

As i wait to hear from you soon,Thinking of you.

My great regards

Miss susi Saleeby

with love & trust.

From: "Simon Chicanery"

To: boase@sanfranmail.com

CC: boase@mail2world.com

Subject: REQUEST FOR TRANSFER OF DOSH PLEASE

Date: Sun, 01 Oct 2006 21:35:51

Dearest Mr. Bank Manager Omar sir:

PLEASE BE ADVISED AND WARNED THAT I - SIMON CHICANERY - WILL BE ACTING AS FOREIGNER TRUSTEE FOR THE LADY SUSI SALEEBY. PLEASE TRANSFER ALL FUNDS IMMEDIATELY RIGHT NOW.

Thanks and regards

S Chicanery MA

Is Nothing Sacred??

2008-05-03T01:46:00.006+01:00

We all have personal moments; these days, is a little privacy too much to ask? Link. Besides, can you honestly blame the seal? That penguin was clearly askin' for it. Anyone would have done the same thing. And for all we know, they may both have been consenting participants... All I'm saying is let's not judge the seal until all the evidence is in. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to watch my DVD of Happy Feet in a darkened room.

Scepta-palooza - Dublin!

2008-05-03T00:00:00.008+01:00

I know how the kids on the street dig the big stars of scepticism, like Montaigne, Voltaire (pictured) and Ignaci Krasicki (yeah, I don't have a breeze either). So I sat up and took note when I learned of the Irish Skeptics' Society's next public meeting in the Davenport Hotel, Dublin on Wednesday, 7th of May.

They will be discussing the topic of "Addressing the god question; are religion and scepticism mutually incompatible?" (Short answer yes with a but, long answer no with an if.) If you're around and appreciate a bit of intelligent debate, why not drop in? Admission is only EUR6.00, and sure it's only money! Support scepticism in Ireland, it may save all our lives one day!

Unfortunately, I am already engaged to go to some comedy club in Bray that particular night... Damn, I'd anticipated a night of intellectual stimulation and a bevy of attractive, intelligent, sceptical/skeptical (how do you spell it?) females. Oh well, maybe next time...

He called her a WHAT?!! - Revisited

2008-05-02T23:53:00.005+01:00

I blogged about a certain story about a certain Republican candidate for a certain presidency calling a certain wife a certain rude-word here, and now it seems to have got all over the web! So much so that John Q. Town-hall-meeting-goer, USA has picked it up and run with it. See below...

Stay out of my head, Drop-out Boy!!

Homeland Security

2008-05-02T23:14:00.006+01:00

God Bless America! Unlike certain voices of late, I for one would like to support the US and A for its steadfast dedication to the safety of the American people and its, well, lets call it singular (and not autistic), adherence to the rules. For there is a certain foreign national who, at one point in time, was branded a terrorist by his own country, who is at present on a Homeland Security watch-list, and cannot enter the US without a waiver from the secretary of state.

No, we're not talking about Bertie. (Though, I've heard he's not going to be invited back.) We're talking about NELSON MANDELA.

Good. Keep him out, I say. He's a 90-year-old ticking time bomb of anti-US sentiment and bound to go off any minute. A speech at the UN HQ from Mandela could take out most of Manhattan. Think of the children!

Credit to Drop-out Boy.

Always read the small print...

2008-05-02T22:56:00.004+01:00

Tempted by Scientology? You'll have to sign this first...

Thanks to Drop-out Boy.

Heathen Orgy of Tea and Cardigans

2008-05-02T21:54:00.009+01:00

Even though I did briefly flirt with the idea of setting up the world's first Church of Secular Humanism (where members would take turns at being the object of worship), I'm not actually a humanist myself. Something within me prevents me from having the universal compassion that appears to be a prerequisite.

However, I have the utmost respect for humanists and their secular pursuits. Did you know you could have a secular christening/wedding/funeral here in Ireland? I bloody didn't! Just some of the nuggets available here at the Humanist Association of Ireland's (pictured above) cyber-location. Pictured below we see some wild 'n' crazy humanists talkin' it out... on church grounds apparently. Bit confusing, but hey, that's just how they roll.

If I Had a Pitbull...

2008-04-28T22:38:00.002+01:00

...I'd call him Paxman.

If only the ould Christian Brothers had known about Brain Buttons...

Hillary Clinton Stimulated by Proximity to Natalie Portman

2008-04-21T23:12:00.003+01:00

No further comment required. Thanks to Drop-out Boy.

Objective Ministries: You Know, For Kids!

2008-04-15T23:28:00.005+01:00

Okay, while we're at it, why not check out this here cyber-locality. This is one of the given examples of Poe's Law, the idea that it's difficult to distinguish between parodied fundamentalism and the proper crazy kind; my money's on parody, but then again, you never know.

Check out the rest of the site while you're there, the orbital crucifix is worth the price of admission alone.

Science + Ology = HAPPY! (Please insert credit card to continue)

2008-04-15T22:49:00.007+01:00

I was surfing YouTube this evening looking for assorted videos of Asian ladies doing odd things with calamari (average Tuesday night then really) when I came across a large ad on someone's channel for this website, a promotional page for a certain group with certain over-excitable movie star members. A certain group that claims psychiatry is evil and an extension of nazism. (I recently met a catholic who held these exact views and she was clearly a paranoid schizophrenic. But that's another story.) A certain group which I'm not sure I can actually name for fear of legal action. I think you get the idea.

I've been poking around the old system of pipes and tubes that we call the cyber-webs for a good few years now and I've never seen an ad like this anywhere before. And I wonder why it's taken this long for these ads to permeate my consciousness (granted I have developed pop-up fatigue and banner blindness from all my years of porn trolling, so I may have just missed them up till now). But now I know; they're coming for me.

Well, might as well quit now while I'm ahead. I'm off down Abbey Street in the morning for a free stress test.

But first, on a completely unrelated topic...

TimeCube Says: Google is ONENESS EVIL

2008-04-15T00:08:00.003+01:00

I say: there's always time for the ramblings of a madman...

A Data Processor, Yesterday.

2008-04-13T01:06:00.005+01:00

Just to remind you that I have a job. That I go to most days. Except for this week, where I pulled a sickie. I woke up on Thursday morning and thought, shag it, I'm not going in. "What's wrong with you?" asks my boss when I ring in (at around half ten, after I've woken up).

"Uh, migraine," I say.

"You can't work with a migraine then, no?" he says.

"Well, no," I say. I've never actually had a migraine, but I gather they're pretty brutal.

"Are you sure now?" He's not giving up. "Isn't that just a bit like a headache or something?"

"Yes, I'm sure," I say. "I'm in a lot of pain here!" Ignorant prick; it's probably the long hours he's been making me work that's given me this non-existent migraine in the first place.

"Okay," he says, "but remember you have that presentation on Monday that you have to prepare for..."

What an asshole! My skull's about to split open and spew out its contents onto the phone table and he's talking about a fucking presentation? So I didn't go in on Friday either. That'll show 'em.

The Doctor Is In

2008-04-12T16:00:00.006+01:00

Exile that medical encyclopedia and throw that GP on the fire; all your medical problems can be remedied here!

Have the team of experts at ABC Homeopathy diagnose your genital expectoration today! NB: No actual remedies supplied or suggested. (Credit to Crap Based Medicine.)

Indecision '08: He Called Her a What??!

2008-04-12T14:13:00.004+01:00

Check out this exposé of Republican presidential candidate John McCain over at RawStory.com. Apparently, old Johnny's fond of the cuss words. In fairness, most men are a little sensitive about receding hairlines and such, so she was asking for it if you want my opinion. Besides, even back in '92 McCaine must have been about 83 years old, so we can safely put that down to dementia and leave it at that.

Now that this has come out, I'm almost hoping McCaine wins the election. I want to hear him call Gordon Brown a "cock-knocker" on Fox News. (With thanks to Drop-out Boy for the link.)

Herald Highlight

2008-04-10T22:42:00.005+01:00

Hot off the presses, today's Herald AM had something just a little bit special for all of us bored commuters and office drones:

Now, I've suspected for a while now that the good people at Herald AM have been specifically designing their front page to catch my attention and gain further exposure on this wildly popular and loquaciously written blog. And now I'm sure of it. This is the kind of mentalism that fully justifies a full page headline (though no story till page 6). And the photo... It's a newspaper man's dream (or woman's) when the nutter in question shows up to court dressed as the midget out of the Krankees.

Return of Scambaiting: Mad Simon Says Hi

2008-04-04T14:06:00.002+01:00

Willonzo returns with this second bite at the apple for the put-upon Susi Saleeby...

From: "Simon Chicanery"

Subject: hi

Date: Thu, 21 Sep 2006 22:17:23

hi Susi!

i really appreciated your message! do you want to chat?

simon x

From: "Susi"

Reply-To: susi_saleeby@myway.com

Subject: I want to know about you

Date: Mon, 25 Sep 2006 21:13:26

Hello My Dearest Simon,

I am more than happy in your reply to my mail.Anyway i wish to briefly introduce myself to you. i am a young girl and the daughter of a well known person in my country.My name is Miss Susi Saleeby from Liberia in West Africa,I am just about 24 years old,5ft.7inches 60kg weight. light in complexion and speak english.i love sport out, going activities, watching of moving, shopping, walking etc.(never married before )How was your day?,Mine is a little bit hot over here in Dakar Senegal,because i am presently residing in the refugee camp here in Dakar as a result of the Crises that happened right in my Country.

Well we shall discuss further on our relationship when i receive your reply to this letter to you.,i will be more than happy to get reply to my mail.Meanwhile my father was late Dr. Elie E. Saleeby, Governor and Chairman of (CBL)Central Bank of Liberia, before the rebels attacked our house one fateful early morning got every one Assasinated while i escape with my father to come to Dakar.It is only my father and me that was alive and we managed to make our way to nearby country here Senegal where we where leaving before my father's death,And full of sorrow and help especially for life and to be loved.

However,i would like to know more about you.Your likes and dislikes, your hobbies and what you are doing presently.I will tell more about myself in my next mail.

Attached here is my picture though l am not photo but l want you to take me as l am ok.kindly try and let us talk deeply cos' there's many thing that we can actually discuss as well for you to kindly try and help me get out of the Camp.

As i wait to hear from you soon

My great regards with love and trust.

Miss Susi.

[PICTURE OF SUSI]

From: "Simon Chicanery"

Subject: RE: I want to know about you

Date: Mon, 25 Sep 2006 22:14:08

Susi

allow me to introduce myself properly and correctly. i am Simon Chicanery, i am 40 years old. i live in a field near the town of fishbourne just off the A3054 on the isle of white, united kingdom, england. i live in a field, within which is a luxury apartment block in which i live in. i am 43 years old and i am not married, i.e. i have NO wife. i live alone in my luxury apartment block in my field in which no one else lives in. except the sheep. i have attached a picture of myself, but also i am not very photogenic. i am the one on the right.

i very much liked your picture, you are very beauteous even though i usually like asians. they have lovely long dark hair and olive skin, i have many pictures from the internet if you want em. but you look almost as good.

i am very sorry about your father, when did he die? he sounds very interesting, what kind of doctor was he? i have a skin condition which requires constant medical attention so i meet with many doctors professionally and socially, and i am very well to do so money is not a problem. i also enjoy bowls. what kind of sports do you like?

-s

[PICTURE OF FAT BALD OLD MAN WITH SHEEP]

From: "Susi"

Reply-To: susi_saleeby@myway.com

Subject: This is my full life story with love & trust.

Date: Tue, 26 Sep 2006 15:55:27

Hello My Dearest Simon

How are you today?

This is my full life story,Meanwhile l hope you are fine?if so thanks be to God almighty how was your day i guess it is well, Anyway for me my day is a little bit hot over here in Dakar Senegal.ln the refugee Camp we find it hard to go out because we are not allowed to do so,its just like one staying in the prison and l hope by God's grace l will come out here soon.

We don't have any relatives now whom we can go to all our relatives ran away in the middle of the war the only person we have now is Rev.Pedrol Dominic who is the pastor of the (Christ the king of Churches) here in the camp he has been very good to me since l came here but l am not living with him rather l am living in the women's hostel because the camp have two hostels one for men the other for women.

The Pastor's Tel number is (00221-554-74-16) if you call and tell him that you want to speak with me he will send for me in the hostel.As a refugee here i don't have any right or privilege to any thing be it money or whatever because it is against the law of this country.I want to go back to my studies because i only attended my first year before the tragic incident that lead to my being in this situation now took place.

Honey,please l would like you to know that l have my late father's statement of account and death certificate here with me which l will like to send to you to assist me,because when he was alive he deposited some amount of money in a leading bank here in Senegal.which he used my name as the next of kin. The amount in question is $3.7(Three Million Seven Hundred Thousand Dollars).

So l will like you to assist me transfer this money to your account and from it you can send some money for me to get my traveling documents and air ticket to come over to meet with you. I have got intouch with this bank in mail and made them to know about my plan of withdraw this money,l also got them aware of the death of my father and they have acknowledged it with all there confirmation.

However,they advise me to get in touch with a very responsible person who will stand on my behalf as my trustee as regards to this money since l am presently of refugee status over here and wouldn't be permitted to handle this amount of money, they also let me know about the bond which they signed with my father that the money will be handled to me in bulk amount which means that l should decide on if l should continue with the bank or not.I just have to let you know about this so that you can assist me to be my trustee on this money.like l said l want you to call me because l have alot to tell you.

l kept this secret to people in the camp here the only person that knows about it is the Reverend because he is like a father to me,a,d please let it be a confidencial,you don't have to tell anybody about it for our security reasons.

Have a nice time and think about me. my dear, this is the email address of the Reverend (house4grace@minister.com and house4grace_minister@yahoo.com)you i saw your picture you look sweet and healthy i love it, l hope to hear from you soonest.

My great regards

Miss Susi

with love,trust.& Kisses

From: "Simon Chicanery"

Subject: RE: This is my full life story with love & trust.

Date: Tue, 26 Sep 2006 23:53:49

my dearly beloved Susi

i am fine today, thank you for asking. i am very sorry and aroused to hear about your inconvenient and oddly familiar predicament in the refugee camp in Dakar Senegal. i am interested to hear you are not allowed to leave the camp or go outside ever, as only last week i came across a young lady whose car had broken down on the A3054 on the Isle of Man near my field in which my luxury apartment block has been built. i very kindly invited her to climb into the back of my truck and took her back to my luxury 8th floor apartment where i subsequently allowed her to sleep in the pit in my basement and didn't let her out and lowered her food in a basket using a pulley system so that she never saw my face at any stage (just in case) and eventually she came to like it there or at least i think she did as i've not heard a peep from her in the last couple of days. :-)

in short, you may find that you will come to like your new way of life in the refugee camp, there are certainly worse places believe me. however, if you decide you wish to find out what these things are, you may use my bank account to transfer your father's savings. i will not sped the money as i am loaded already.

Banco Islandé de Guernsey

From: "Simon Chicanery"

Speaking of stupid birds...

Subject: full bank details in full

Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2006 19:17:11 +0100

Susi old girl

very sorry for rudely breaking off mid-sentence last night, but there was a small emergency here in my luxury tenth floor penthouse apartment. as i was typing out my bank details for you in my email, i heard a ruckus brewing in the vicinity of my kitchen. for a moment i thought maybe that there was an intruder in the building trying to make off with my priceless collection of action man pelvises (1975-1982, the ones with the blue y-fronts).

i looked up from my computer at the writing desk - it's a lovely edwardian piece with a custom-made inlay made from discarded children’s' milk teeth - to see Gareth my pet sheep running towards me. he tried to bolt between my legs, causing me to unbalance and fall against the desk knocking the computer onto the floor. the resulting carnage and slaughter of Gareth meant that my email was both cut short and sent to you prematurely. how tragic! so now i present to you my bank details in full:

Banco Islandé de Guernsey

Absurdity Gardens, Fishwad

SUX46548

ENGLAND

Account holder: Simon Judith Chicanery

Bank Sorting Banking Codification (for Bank use): 79-6543

Plausible Account number: 548765434821-546848-A

i hope this is enough information for you to act. if not please let me know and i shall supply to you whatever your dear little reptilian heart desires.

also, if you wish to send me your father's death cert and bank statement, please send them to me, Mr. Simon Chicanery, "care of" the bank above. i would appreciate some light reading, also i have run out of lav paper.

i hope also that we can get to know each other better and more closely. to tell you more about me, i am 46 years old, i am white, i am bald, i am fat, i have sheep. the sheep live in my field. there are no indigenous sheep in ENGLAND so i need to have them shipped in from north korea. sometimes i like to let them into the luxury apatrment complex in which i live in and allow them to wander the apartments and take up residence in rooms of their own choice. i then grow a full beard and pretend to be basil faulty and that the luxury apartment complex is a hotel and that the sheep are the guests and that gareth is connie booth. i go through more sheep that way i can tell you!!!

i very much enjoy bowls and curling. what kind of sports do you like?

kiss kiss

-simon

Bertieland No More

2008-04-04T13:18:00.009+01:00

Richard Nixon, Saddam Hussein and now, Bertie. A nation mourns the impending loss of one of its shiftiest statesmen. As has been suggested already, I fully support the declaration of May 6th as a national day of celebration. My only concern is that militant factions of Fianna Fáil will exploit the power vacuum, resulting in civil unrest among the proletariat. I'm prepared though; I have a schooner docked in Dun Laoghaire Harbour, ready to speed me to the Isle of Whight at the first signs of trouble.

By the way, ever hand in your notice in a job only to have your boss say "It's all right, you can leave now." Well, we taxpayers are Bertie's employer. And I see no reason why he should have to work out his notice. Again, just a suggestion.

And while we're on the subject, I might as well point out yet another Herald Highlight (TM) from this week's freesheet:

This says it all doesn't it? I mean, the shock announcement of his resignation should have been anticipated given the outlandish desperate measures Bertie's resorted to this week. Not having read the story, I can only imagine a coven of Fianna Fáil occult adepts swathed in black robes chanting over the sarcophagus of the dead Haughey in an attempt to bring his evil spirit back from the other side. When CJ finally makes his appearance, he points a whispy, spectral finger at Ahern. "You were always a cute hoor, Bertie," he rasps, "but you're fucked now."

I only hope the tribunal doesn't ease up on him now; I want to see him whipped through the streets of Portlaoise...

Evil Atheist Conspiracy Strikes Again

2008-04-04T12:24:00.004+01:00

Those insane and malignant creationism-denialism-ists have been at it again, brazenly sneaking their Supreme Heathen Commander into a private screening of the most anticipated motion-picture event this side of the rapture. Not Transformers 2 (though I've already booked tickets for that), but GOD's own feature film on how he designed all the birdies and the fishes and the plants and so on,

Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed. (Any irony contained in said title being completely accidental, of course.)

Read about the whole sorry incident here. And pray for their immortal souls (which will doubtless burn in the eternal lake of fire). And then go here for the first reviews of the movie. Haven't read them yet, but I'm sure they're glowing.

THEATRE ALERT: The Importance of Being Earnest

2008-04-03T16:25:00.004+01:00

Like the theatre? No? Why not, stupid? If you admit to disliking theatre, you mark yourself out as an intellectual lightweight and risk the derision of your highbrow peers. Take it from me, if you want to get on in life, you have to have seen at least one play in your adult life. And I mean sit through the whole thing quietly, without texting your moron friends or reading some brainless celeb magazine. And pay attention; you'll be expected to make observations afterwards. A complete lack of insight into the play's subtext will give the game away, and the Brights will know you for what you are, a cheap fraud.

Now, I know this seems like an insurmountable task to your little brains. What play should I go to? Where do they have plays? Do they sell booze there? And so on. So I'll tell you what. I'll make it a bit easier for you. You should go to see The Importance of Being Earnest in Wesley Hall, Leeson Park (near Lesson Street Bridge). It starts tonight and finishes on Saturday. It was written by Oscar Wilde, who was considerably smarter than you. And no, there won't be booze there, you'll just have to be patient.

Scepticism as a Virtue, Part 32

2008-03-29T22:56:00.006Z

I'm sitting at home today watching some rubbish on TV with Laura (the Kiwi), when, during a brief interval between rain showers, a single magpie lands on our windowsill and appears to stare at us with intense curiosity. Magpies often land on that windowsill, perhaps attracted by the glint of sunlight on the glass, or maybe by their own reflections.

"Oh god," says Laura, "a magpie! Give me your little finger, quick." She holds out her own finger, bent into a crook.

"Why?" I ask, quite reasonably.

"Just give me your finger!" she says.

"No," I say. "Why should I?"

"Because there's a magpie, why else?"

"That's hardly good enough of a reason," I say.

"We have to link little fingers and say jinx," she says, as if reasoning with a child. "Then we break the link."

"Why do we do that?"

"To break the chain!" She's getting more agitated.

"What chain?" I'm actually getting annoyed as well as finding this slightly amusing.

"The chain of bad luck," she says. "One magpie is bad luck, so you have to break the chain."

"Luck," I say, trying to sound supercilious, "is probability taken personally."

"I don't care what it is, so long as I don't have bad luck," she says, properly angry with me now. "He's about to fly away!"

"Why should the magpie care about your luck?" I ask her.

"It's one magpie for sorrow, two for joy," she says, deadly serious, "three for a girl, four for a boy." She looks at me with disdain usually reserved for idiots and Ryan Tubridy. "Don't you know anything?"

Laura stands and walks to the window. She gives the magpie a little wave and says genially, "Hello Mr. Magpie, how's your wife?"

"What?" I say.

"If you won't link fingers with me, that's the only way to get rid of the bad luck," she says. "Once, back in New Zealand, I saw a magpie in my garden but I didn't say hello to it, and the next day my cat ate my gerbil."

She finally decides to turn her back on the magpie and heads for the door.

"If I'm late for my acupuncture appointment because of that," she says, "I'm blaming you."

Herald Highlight: A Finger of Fudge is Just Enough...

2008-03-29T21:57:00.005Z

Now, in a feature the critics are already calling "semi-regular", we look at the slightly more legible of the two main free-sheets in our fair city, the Herald AM.

There was a single story that seems to have caught the imagination of all and sundry:

FINGER OF BLAME! That headline works on so many levels! For those who may not have heard the story, English 17-year-old Guy Wallace was visiting Dublin for Patrick's Day and, after a few underage scoops in tourist fave hangout Temple Bar, called in to McDonald's for some authentic Irish chow. Whereupon, he claims, he was set upon by a savage bolus of Micks (his words, probably). He awoke in hospital to find he had misplaced a finger.

Now, ordinarily this tragic tale of dismemberment would end there with minimal follow-up from the Gardaí. But young Master Wallace returned to the UK and capitalised on his sob story by going on local radio. And in doing so, miraculously regained clarity of recollection as to how he lost the finger; he'd been a little hazy on that point before.

The youths in Mickey D's, he said, had pursued him down the street, held his hand against the kerbside and jumped on his little finger until it snapped off! How immensely rude of them! I knew there was a rough element in Dublin, but this sounds like it came out of some demented torture-porn movie.

The truth however, as Occam's Razor predicts, is a lot simpler. Though no less entertaining. Apparently, Sir Guy of Wallace-shire panicked when asked by a gang of skangers where he was from, fled down the street and drunkenly tried to scale a serrated metal fence surrounding Eircom offices off O'Connell Street. And that's where he and poor pinky parted company. Gardaí found the AWOL finger on top of the railing, tragically too late for it to be reattached.

Now, all of that is hilarious enough by itself but here's where the true genius of the Herald AM people comes in: A witness described the finger as looking quite like "a burnt sausage". How best to give the discerning reader a visual on that? Well, damn it all, why not just print a colour picture of a burnt sausage in the bottom left of the front page? They missed a trick though by not having the caption read "Artist's conception of how the finger may have looked if retrieved by Gardaí with a fork."

Nonetheless, hats off, Herald AM. Once again you have raised the stakes. Metro, take note.

Lunatic Militant Atheist Denounces Newton

2008-03-29T20:50:00.003Z

Link.

Cause of Patrick's Day Riots Revealed:

2008-03-24T23:36:00.004Z

Can the solution to this problem be any clearer? Clearly this kind of violence was the result of running out of cans Dutch Gold. Give these kids more booze, Bertie!

Susi Saleeby, Part 10 - Finish It Already

2008-03-21T23:29:00.001Z

From: "Barrister Abdullahi Djallo"

Reply-To: amdychambers@myway.com

Subject: RE: Greetings.

Date: Wed, 6 Sep 2006 17:59:46

ATTENTION MR.WILLONZO TERRABYTE O'NUALAIN

WHILE I WAIT FOR YOU TO SEND ME FURTHER TRANSACTION DETAILS, I DEMAND THAT YOU SHOULD FORWARD ME A SCAN COPY OF YOUR IDENTITY, DIRECT TELEPHONE NUMBER THROUGH WHICH I CAN REACH YOU TO BE SURE OF WHOM I AM WORKING FOR. I AM BEGINNING TO LOOSE INTEREST IN THIS ASSIGNMENT AND I CAN ONLY ACCEPT TO CONTINUE IF YOU CAN ENDEAVOUR TO FORDWARD YOUR EITHER YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE OR AN INTERNATIONAL PASSORT.

I HAVE SERIOUS DOUBTS ABOUT YOUR COMITTMENT IN THIS OPERATION AND I AM TO BUSY TO WASTE MY TIME ON A CLAWN, INDEED YOU ARE A CHARACTER AND I PUT A QUESTION MARK ON YOUR CAPABILITY TO CONTROL THIS MAGINUDE OF FUND. I HAVE SEVERAL POINTS AGAINST YOU. I CAN ONLY BE CONVINCED WHEN I VIEW YOUR IDENTITY AS WELL AS HAVING YOUR DIRECT PHONE CONTACT. I WANT TO CALL YOU ON THE PHONE BY MYSELF BEFORE I CAN BE CONVINCED TO PROCEED.

HONESTLY I AM NO LONGER INTERESTED IN HAVING THE LEGAL FEE SENT TO ME ANY MORE BUT I WANT TO KNOW WHOM YOU ARE AND WHAT EXACTLY YOU DO FOR A LIVING. THANK YOU.

YOURS SINCERELY

ABDULLAHI DJALLO

AMDYCHAMBERS,DAKAR-SENEGAL.

From: "Willonzo O'Nualain"

To: amdychambers@myway.com

Subject: RE: Greetings.

Date: Wed, 06 Sep 2006 23:14:04

Dear Miss Lawyer / sir,

Listen Johnny Cochrane, please stop shouting at me! Your voice is very loud and I have sensitive ears. I can't stand it when you shout as it is unnecessary.

In response to your queries, firstly I must explain to you what Western Union have told me with their human mouths and tongues. THERE HAS BEEN IN ERROR IN THE WESTERN UNION COMPUTERISED MONEY / CASH SYSTEM AND SOME TRANSFERS TO SENEGAL OVER A CERTAIN AMOUNT HAVE BEEN AFFECTED ADVERSELY. THE AMOUNT OF MY TRANSFER TO YOU WAS CHANGED FROM US$2,450 TO 7 FRANCS BY THE COMPUTER (GREMLINS). This gross misconduct was the result of an errant paper aeroplane striking a keyboard and a subsequent (small) fire.

I am working hard to ensure the cash is transferred POST HASTE, but this requires co-operation with Western Union and they do not like me. I accidentally injured their cat with a sharp-tipped umbrella while in their office on Tuesday. However, THEY HAVE ASSURED ME THE ISSUE WILL BE RESOLVED ASAP.

In your email you say that you "DEMAND THAT YOU SHOULD FORWARD ME A SCAN COPY OF YOUR IDENTITY, DIRECT TELEPHONE NUMBER". You demand, sir??? Have you ever heard the expression "The customer is always right"? You have a lot to learn about civil comportment, sir!

Also, PLEASE DO NOT CALL MY WIFE DIRECTLY REGARDING MONEY MATTERS. YOU ARE WORKING FOR ME AND I EXPECT YOU TO FOLLOW MY INSTRUCTIONS. IF YOU WANT TO GET PAID, PLEASE BE NICER TO ME. BELIEVE ME RUMPOLE, THERE ARE PLENTY OTHER LAWYERS IN AFRICA...

Many thanks and highest regards,

Willonzo

PS What are you wearing? I bet you're hot.

From: "Willonzo O'Nualain"

To: house4grace_minister@yahoo.com

Subject: URGENT SPIRITUAL GUIDANCE REQUIRED IMMEDIATELY (LIKE YESTERDAY)

Date: Wed, 06 Sep 2006 23:38:47

Holy Reverend of the Black Arts who looks down on me from heaven and blesses me and sends angels to remind me to tape my favourite programmes:

Rev, I have always relied on you to help me in times of spiritual crisis and I am afraid this is one of those times.

The problem is, I have promised my dear Susi that I will help her escape the camp (as you well know, do not feign ignorance with me you crafty preacher), but I have hit a snag. When I went to the Western Union office to transfer the money, a man standing outside told me to spend my money on a sheep with five legs. (Such animals are rare in my country and demand a high price - an excellent and wise investment in anyone's language (mine is Swedish) and therefore a must-buy.)

The man’s sheep had a price tag exactly equal to the sum asked of me by THE LAWYER. I realised the great profit to be made on this purchase and so bought the sheep there and then. I would have more money to buy my Susi-doll a nice Hoover! Upon closer inspection however, I deduced that the creature was in fact a poodle with an erection - an animal that can be bought / sold for EUR10 at any fast food outlet.

Now I am undone! I was forced to send whatever funds I had remaining in my account (not much) to the lawyer. Now the lawyer is angry that he has not received the full sum. Also, the loan shark I borrowed the money from (you remember Fisty Magee don't you? Or did I tell you about him? Aha, nearly caught you out there) is anxious for me to repay my debt or he will break my wrists, which I need for typing absurd emails and performing other essential tasks.

And I have just been informed that I need to ask the lawyer to return the box of Cadbury's Flakes sent to him by Western Union as they accidentally filled the box with poisonous spiders. (Also, they don't like him.)

Please Rev, can you give me advice? I am DESPERATE!!! Susi is very unhappy with me and I am afraid she might do something silly and drink too much weed killer. Can you help us find another lawyer? One who will work for FREE? Or at least one who will not shout at me.

Waiting for your response to lift up my soul and rid me of the anxiety caused by the steadily thickening plot,

Willonzo Ulysses O'Nualáin

PS All Bow and Hail Santa

From: "Willonzo O'Nualain"

Subject: Forgive me please my sweet, our love soars like an eagle in the EASTERLY WIND

Date: Wed, 06 Sep 2006 23:49:52

Susi,

I know I have been bad. Can you please accept my apology and embrace me in forgiveness? I am SO SORRY that I made you sad / disappointed / enraged / damp. I am sorry that the days of me making you lough! lough!! lough!!! are far behind us now, like a hazy water-coloured memory.

I want to make it up to you - Will you let me know your address so I can send you a present? I bought it for you especially, it is very special and cost me a lot of money. Let me ask you a question first though: Are you a dog person or a cat person?

ABOUT THE LAWYER:

I am very angry with him for speaking to you the way he did with disrespect. I told him that if he does not behave, we will find a NEW LAWYER. Do you know of any other lawyers who are lovely? If not, I will continue to try to work with this one, but I do not think he is attracted to me, he has ignored my advances so far (but doubtless I will wear down his resistance yet with my charms).

I DO NOT WANT YOU TO WORRY ABOUT THE LEGAL FEES. Please let me handle it and do not speak to the lawyer anymore. He is a DICK. And DO NOT WORRY ABOUT GETTING OUT OF THE camp. Love will find a way, my little African pumpkin pie.

I will speak to you soon. I hope you are sleeping well right now, all tucked up in your little cell, dreams of sugar plums and vegetables dancing in your head.

Willonzo

(former Alternative Miss Ireland, 1973)

From: "Willonzo O'Nualain"

To: boase@sanfranmail.com

Subject: URGENT REQUEST

Date: Wed, 06 Sep 2006 23:59:53

Dear Mr. Omar,

I have spent the day in an opium den researching our future investment opportunity and I have come to the conclusion that A) narcotics are an excellent investment, B) they are best sold instead of used and 4) I have a slight liquidity issue at present.

CAN YOU PLEASE FORWARD ME INFO / BROCHURES ON YOUR SHORT TERM LOANS? I do not require a huge sum and you can use the US$3.7m as collateral if you wish.

Please revert to me with rates, offers etc. ASAP and immediately (by next week). Do not say that you were warned.

Your Willonzo baby

PS What are you doing Friday night? I know a little Italian place, great atmosphere, nice wine. Call me.

From: "Bob Geldof"

Subject: RAISING MONEY FOR SUSI SALEEBY

Date: Thu, 07 Sep 2006 01:34:30

Hoi there Susi,

I am Bob Geldof. My friend Bono is the leader of the rock group The U2 and he has alerted me to your situation in the refugee camp in Dakar Senegal, roight (roish)?

I have been in these camps myself loike, so I know how awful they are - no running water, rats, only one PC for every five people and broadband service without providing your own free homepage. This has always seemed unacceptable to me, so I am going to do something to help.

I am setting up a GIANT ROCK concert, which I am going to call SCAM-AID or maybe even SUSI-AID. All the major rock bands of the world will take part (except The U2), including Phil Collins, Human League, Spandau Ballet and even Boney M. I will sing "Tell Me Why..." It will be ledge.

In order for this to take place though, I will need you to send me US$3,899.00 in order to draw up legal papers for the Dakar high court loike. Can you please transfer these funds via Western Union ASAP.

I have to go now as Tiger Lily is putting spoons and forks in the microwave oven.

Your new best friend,

Boomtown Bob

From: "Mrs. Zainab Saleeby"

Subject: WILLONZO

Date: Thu, 07 Sep 2006 01:47:05

Susi my girl

i am very disappointed in you sorry to say it,no hearing from you speaking tongue or mails since i mail you days ago. Do you not love me,you momma who carry you and give birth? I have labour 4days before you come in world and make life misery for you mama and papa,but we still did loved you anyway and gave you feed sometime.Whats a matter you?

you should not treat poor boy willonzo so bad,he trying he best to help your out of camp and this situation in that you find youself bring you Dublin Irlandé is a nice a place. I think you very rude to him not give him enough chance. Only very short time he know each another and already you asking moneys and throwing fits very rude! i don't raise no rude childrens,i smack you upside yo head when seeing you.

Be good girl and talking with yo momma.

Mrs Saleeby

From: "Susi"

Reply-To: susi_saleeby@myway.com

To: zainab.saleeby@hotmail.com

Subject: RE: WILLONZO

Date: Thu, 7 Sep 2006 13:42:49

Dear, Mama, Thanks for your advice and concern about me God bless.

Susi

bye.

From: "Susi"

Reply-To: susi_saleeby@myway.com

Subject: RE: Forgive me please my sweet, our love soars like an eagle in the EASTERLY WIND

Date: Thu, 7 Sep 2006 13:44:27

Hello Sweet sweet honey the only surger in my tea you are so lovely God bless you thanks for your concern about me.byeSusi.

From: "Susi"

Reply-To: susi_saleeby@myway.com

To: boomtown.bob.geldof@hotmail.com

Subject: RE: RAISING MONEY FOR SUSI SALEEBY

Date: Thu, 7 Sep 2006 13:47:36

Thanks for your conern about me God bless you

bye

Susi.

From: "Susi"

Reply-To: susi_saleeby@myway.com

Subject: Please Co-operate with our Lawyer

Date: Thu, 7 Sep 2006 16:45:58

Hello honey,

I have to let you know this that i am really confuse of this own thing i don't know who is right or rong but from your own side i believe in you but the fact is that i did not know what is really going on,you should know that is not right for Western union to send money with wrong information two times this is unbelieveable,so with this you have to co operate with our Lawyer by prooving yourself to him that you not the kind of person as bad as he is thinking, by sending to him your identity ok please proof yourself for my sake.

Meanwhile i will like us to continue with him becasue if you come to look at it he know every thing about our deallings if we did not use him,he might have other miss to give me problems over here you know i am with him here,so please be kind with him as i wait to hear from you soon.

My great regards

Miss Susi with love & trust.

From: "Willonzo O'Nualain"

Subject: VERY AWFUL BAD NEWS OF TERRIBLE DISASTER / CRISES RIGHT IN MY COUNTRY (BYE)

Date: Thu, 07 Sep 2006 23:35:13

My loving and trusted Susi,

I would love nothing more than to send a scanned copy of my passport to your imaginary lawyer, along with my home address and real name, but I have more pressing concerns at the moment. Fisty Magee has just found out I spent his money on a randy poodle with terminal mange and cannot pay him back. He is on his way over to stuff me in the washing machine on spin cycle at 40 degrees.

So with that in mind, I am writing my last WILL and testicle. To you, I leave my collection of packaged mint condition Battlestar Galactica action figures (ca 1985). Please try and barter them for food or gin. I hope they serve you well...

Also, I think it would be unwise for you to come to Ireland as CIVIL WAR has just broken out over the construction of Bertie Land. In fact, REBELS have just entered my house to get everyone assassinated. Oh well.

I will always remember you and your crazy harebrained scheme (con) and the assorted arse banditry that we have enjoyed together. I hope you do not kill yourself as a result of this, ha ha.

May we meet again if not in this life, then in the next (under another pseudonym).

GOODBYE FOREVER

WILLONZO O'NUALAIN

(Cue national anthem, slow zoom-in on flag fluttering in breeze, fade out, title card: The End, roll credits, turn off projector, go home, eat pot noodle, sleep)

PS I have forwarded the details of all people involved, including yourself, Rev. Pedrol, Omar Ndiaye, Amdy Chambers and Miss Faith Omagbon Osemwonyemwen to INTERPOL to assist in helping you in your attempts to escape the camp. I hope they will be in touch with you soon!!

From: "Susi"

Reply-To: susi_saleeby@myway.com

Subject: RE: VERY AWFUL BAD NEWS OF TERRIBLE DISASTER / CRISES RIGHT IN MY COUNTRY (BYE)

Date: Fri, 8 Sep 2006 12:48:36

Thanks for your concern about me

byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

From: "Dr. Elie E Saleeby" elie.e.saleeby@hotmail.com

Subject: Who yo Daddy??

Date: Fri, 08 Sep 2006 00:40:20

Susi,

I am still alive also!!

What's all this I hear about you trying to nick my $3.7 million???

You got some explaining to do, young lady!

Da.

From: "Susi"

Reply-To: susi_saleeby@myway.com

To: elie.e.saleeby@hotmail.com

Subject: RE: Who yo Daddy??

Date: Fri, 8 Sep 2006 07:44:36

Fuck offffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff you

Happy Cruci-fiction Day!!

2008-03-21T23:18:00.005Z

It's a mad mad mad mad mad world. Not only that, but for some reason I couldn't get a drink anywhere today. It's a bad time for us atheist alcoholics...

(About the Filipino crazies, what do you reckon the mentality is of the ones who dress as Roman centurions and hammer their mates onto crosses?)

Spoiler Alert: There WAS Blood (and some oil)

2008-03-21T10:36:00.006Z

Not strictly a review, and I'm aware I'm late to jump on the bandwagon with this, but I feel I need to share my thoughts on There Will Be Blood and hopefully persuade one or two people who haven't already seen it to go and see it now this instant.

Now, I met someone recently who told me that Paul Thomas Anderson was her favourite director of all time. "What do you think of him?" she asked me and, in a rare moment of sincerity, I told her that I had issues with Anderson (or PTA as I believe he sometimes goes by). I mean, favourite director of all time? Surely he's no match for a Kubrick or a Hitchcock or, dare I say it, a Lucas? And my issues with PTA run deeper even than that; I once took a girl on a date to the cinema to see Punch Drunk Love. It was our last, and I choose to attribute that dissatisfactory outcome directly to the quality of the film, rather than my own numerous personal failings pertaining to intimate relationships. Furthermore, I have, despite several attempts, not yet succeeded in seeing Magnolia all the way to the end (but I do enjoy the Tom Cruise scenes).

So with that in mind, I decided to see There Will Be Blood not for the much-touted experimental nature of the film, but for the Oscar-winning performance by Day Lewis as Daniel Plainview, the oilman consumed by ambition, self-destructive tendencies and ten-pin bowling.

And I was blown away. Not only by Day Lewis, for whom no adequate superlative has yet been invented, but by everything. There is nothing wrong with this film. It is flawless. It is a meisterwerk of the highest calibre. Kubrick, now somewhere in the Italian quarter of Heaven (you know, over by St. Peter's Pizzaria), is at this moment strumming bitterly on his harp and asking himself why he never made this movie while he was alive. Go and see it now.

Warning: Do NOT Give This Man Money

2008-03-21T10:22:00.006Z

Meet Oprah's new mate, Eckhart Tolle. He's written a book, wouldn't you know it, telling us about his trite and ludicrously constructed "philosophy" of life. Here's a little bit of what he thinks of the "pain body". (Don't feel that you need to watch it all.)

To echo the pain body in his little anecdote, this is indeed a load of rubbish. But you've got to hand it to Oprah; she knows that the great unwashed will happily part with their cash in exchange for the pleasure of being condescended to by some bizarre, Teutonic, goblin-faced prat, and why shouldn't she get paid off the back of that?

Saleeby? Nein! - Penultimate Ultimatum

2008-03-18T23:01:00.000Z

From: boase@sanfranmail.com

Subject: RE: Compliment.

Date: 5 Sep 2006 21:12:29 -0000

Thanks for contacting the management of Bank of Africa Senegal, we shall revert to you shortly.

From: "Bono of The U2"

Subject: RE: Plight of refugees in Senegal

Date: Tue, 05 Sep 2006 22:41:30

Howaya Suuuuussi, achtung baby,

How's da form? It's meself Bono again, even better dan da real thing. Sorry I haven't been in touch wit ya like, but the band had to do the oul laundry and dat bleedin fool Adam Clayton has obsessive compulsive disorder and insisted we wash every single item separately, ONE poxy thing at a time! It took us a jaysus week just to get through da Edge's feckin hats!! I tough' we'd be doin it until da end of da world!

In anyways, I'm just writin to let yiz know we've only had to cancel da massive fuckin gig in da refugee camp in Dakar Senegal because da wife's booked us a fortnight in Aya Nappa, so I don't know who's gonna ride yer wild horses now. She wanted to go to Ibiza, but I said feck off, coz da music there is so cruel.

Sorry bout dat, but I gave Bob Geldof a buzz to let him know what's goin on, so maybe he can help yiz, wha? He loves Africa an all so he does.

Seeyiz

Bono

(Rock god)

PS # the FLY (4:29)

# MYSTERIOUS WAYS (4:04)

# TRYIN' to throw your ARMS around the WORLD (3:53)

# ULTRA violet (light my WAY) (5:31)

# ACROBAT (4:30)

# LOVE IS blindness (4:23)

From: "Mrs. Zainab Saleeby"

Subject: My heart breaks with your every step, as you tread on my ribs

Date: Tue, 05 Sep 2006 23:04:15

Susi, my beautiful perfect daughter of small size,

i am sad that you had no answerd my mail early,but i kno you hart will take patient and tim to heel. i can wait for you as long as nessecray.Meanwhile i meet you new daddy today while working,he make me very much happiness delight.

i dress as giant GARBANZO BEAN POD on Sherriff Street in centr Dublin and want every all childrens to smash and rip open pod and liberate human legume as i run low on oxygen inside.one small boy kick me in my face while i tie restraint into my shoe and i went sleeping,while i sleep he thefted my moneys i earning all the day and stab me in leg with a syringe of taking drug.then lovely masculine man help me and we marriage later.

I hope you liking him (you step father) when you come in Dublin as he has large temper and getting more violent.

please please write to me and speak of you and you're doings. Please do not kill yourself because of despair sad melancholia.

i will be more than happy to get reply to my mail

i hope to hear from you soonest

Mummy Saleeby

From: "Willonzo O'Nualain"

Subject: RE: keep me update.

Date: Wed, 06 Sep 2006 06:21:46 -0400

For the attention of Ms Susi:

Please be advised and informed that I HAVE CONTACTED THE "LAWYER" WITH THE CORRECT INFORMATION FOR WESTERN UNION TRANSFER.

I WILL LET YOU KNOW AS SOON AS "HE" REVERTS.

Apart from that, I hope you have decided not to commit suicide. I myself have called in sick today as during the night I was awoken by the sound of terrible screams coming from the utility room (adjacent to the sun terrace). I investigated to find my youngest brother, Stumpy Magoo had become trapped inside the washing machine! The reasons behind this remain unclear, but needless to say...

However, I slept poorly and with dreams of horror following this disturbing incident. What were the implications? And would my trousers be dry by morning? Who could say? Stumpy was still unwilling to comment on who exactly forced him into the washing machine, but I hope to determine their identity and press charges; poor Stumpy cannot swim and as a result nearly drowned (or as we say in Irlandé, "drownded"). As it was, his neck got caught in a pair of tights - as you can imagine, he was very lucky to raise the alarm before he succumbed.

And then, this morning my other youngest brothers Kermit, Fozzy-bollix and Wankface were teasing poor Stumpy Magoo and sniffing him to smell the pleasant odour of fabric softener. This was too much for Stumpy to bear and he ran off into the street where he was struck by a car (1984 Opel Record estate, blue, mint condition) and died. Now I may never know who put poor Stumpy in the washing machine. Oh poor Stumpy, you never had a chance. I think I shall write a song about him and send it to Bono.

In other news, I certainly hope all goes well with the lawyer and Western Union, as I very desperately need to pay back Fisty Magee (the loan shark and worldwide scrabble champion - you may remember him from my previous mails if you actually bother to read them at all, which, let's face it, is highly unlikely) the money I borrowed... I fear that if he is not satisfied, he may put me in a washing machine, which is his trademark punishment for non-payment of loans...

Well, enough about me.

Bye

Willonzo "I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore" O'Nualáin

kissy kissy

From : Willonzo O'Nualain

Sent : Wednesday, September 6, 2006 7:58 AM

To : bono.the.u2@hotmail.com

CC : susi_saleeby@myway.com, house4grace@minister.com, house4grace_minister@yahoo.com

Subject : Lament for Stumpy Magoo

ATTN: Bono, lead singer in "The U2".

Bono, I have written another song for The U2. Please provide for a chorus of "Stumpy oooo, Stumpy Magoo" between each verse and 12 minute drum solo following verse 2.

Oh Stumpy Magoo

Where are you?

You brightened our days

And shined our shoes

With aplomb.

Oh Stumpy Magoo

What happened to you?

Before you were hit by a car

And sent up far

In the sky.

Stumpy Magoo

With your eyes so blue,

You did what you were told.

Now your corpse smells of Bold

Automatic.

Esteemed Reverend Pedrol,

I hope you will join me in unbearable grief and say a MASS for my poor deceased and dead brother Stumpy.

Your friend and partner

Willonzo "Nobo" O'Nualáin

From: "Susi"

Reply-To: susi_saleeby@myway.com

Subject: RE: Lament for Stumpy Magoo URGENT URGENT RESPOND NEEDED

Date: Wed, 6 Sep 2006 15:21:12

Hello honey,

I am sorry to say this i am really dissapointed in you i never think you will do this to me i think there is some thing wrong with you,please let me know if you are not ready to help me out of this situation i am into you better let me know please! Please!! please!!! stop mucking at me if you did not have money to send you just better tell ok.

Lawyer called again telling me that i must be a mad girl that i did not know what i am doing,that i am falling in love with mad Man that i should be carefull about the person i am going to live my with,all he said he send his secretary to the western uion today again and the secretary came back and tell him that there was no such transaction in the bank that you did not send any money pls!pls!!pls!!! stop it ok.

bye

Susi

From: "Willonzo O'Nualain"

Subject: URGENT URGENT - HIGH IMPORTANCE: PLS READ AND REPLY IMMEDIATELY NOW

Date: Wed, 06 Sep 2006 15:31:05

Susi:

Did you used to me a dude? I don't mind so long as the surgery is completed and performed by a competent surgeon.

I AM GOING TO WESTERN UNION *NOW* TO BUST SOME HEADS AND ENSURE MONEY IS TRANSFERRED IMMEDIATELY.

I love you so much it is no longer funny

Willonzo

PS I see you haven't killed yourself yet - keep up the good work!

From: "Susi"

Reply-To: susi_saleeby@myway.com

Subject: urgent urgent respond needed.

Date: Wed, 6 Sep 2006 15:32:55

Thanks alot for you have turn me to a laughing suck give yourself a handplus

PS a MILLION hAND plUS. FOR YOU And YouR gAME THAnks ALoTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT ByEEEEEEEEEEEEE

From: "Willonzo O'Nualain"

Subject: RE: urgent urgent respond needed.

Date: Wed, 06 Sep 2006 15:38:15

Susi,

I have no idea what you mean! Your English is very poor, it was much better at the start when you were working from the script.

Please elaborate.

love 'n' hugs

Willonzo.

From: "Susi"

Reply-To: susi_saleeby@myway.com

Subject: URGENT URGENT - HIGH IMPORTANCE: PLS READ AND REPLY IMMEDIATELY NOW

Date: Wed, 6 Sep 2006 15:45:51

It is good you go to western uion you Better do bye

From: "Willonzo O'Nualain"

Subject: RE: URGENT URGENT - HIGH IMPORTANCE: PLS READ AND REPLY IMMEDIATELY NOW

Date: Wed, 06 Sep 2006 15:51:16

Susi my love,

On my way to Western Union right now. I am very sorry to upset you honey, I know this is not a game. I just want you so much to be in Ireland with me so we can have a nice time and watching of moving.

I will write back later to let you know what they say.

Willonzo

XXX

From: "Barrister Abdullahi Djallo"

Reply-To: amdychambers@myway.com