DVD Review - The Nines

Having heard about The Nines some time ago as being an innovative new horror film, I was mildly interested to see it if I got the chance. Horror these days is a genre desperately in need of more innovation and less torture. So last week when I saw it cheap on region 1 DVD on the internets, my interest was piqued. That was my first mistake. 

My second was ordering it. I suppose my third mistake, watching the thing, was at this point unavoidable. By this time my destiny was set in stone and I was committed to sitting though this numerical mess. "Y9u never kn9w when y9ur number is up," reads the tagline. This in itself almost had me dialing 999 to have the gardaí contain the disc and remove it from the building.

Written and directed by John August, acclaimed director of just about nothing at all, The Nines (or The Nin9s, if you want to be wanky about it) starts out as the story of Gary, and actor on CSI-a-like TV show Crim9 Lab (see what they did there? Yes, it's full of this kind of thing.) Gary has a bad break-up and tries some crack, ending in a conviction and lengthy period of house arrest. During which time he meets his next door neighbour, a hot momma who's obviously not what she appears to be. To go on further with regards the plot would be pointless, but I will say that it plays out like a Star Trek script from the early 90's.

So is there anything to recommend about this, or is it a complete travesty? Well, Ryan Reynolds turns in a decent performance and demonstrates versatility in a triple-role as Gary/Gavin/Gabriel. He's no Peter Sellers now, but I did buy the fact that he was meant to be three different guys (or was he...?). Then again, maybe that was more to do with him having his hair dyed three different colours. The rest of the cast is filled out adequately with nobodies and half-familiars from TV-land. There was the odd moment of genuine humour. 

Anyways, horror film? No. Supernatural thriller? No. Paranormal mystery? Not really that either. So either the thing was marketed wrong (I'm not sure how they might have tried to sell it at all really), or I just wasn't paying attention. Both eventualities are equally likely. Interesting in an experimental way, but could have easily been condensed into an Outer Limits episode and nobody would have felt as fucked over as I did when I took the disc out of the machine and threw it across the room, knocking over my housemate's ornamental picture of the Virgin Mary with the flashing blue LEDs. Avoid.

That said, August's next film might be worth checking out. If he's ever let make one. And only if he doesn't write it.

A Long and Bitterly Fought War Comes to an End

Peace at last! Our prayers have been answered and the war is finally over. And although this is a time for rejoicing, we should also spare a thought for the many causalties, those who have fallen in battle. May their memories live on in documentaries on whatever gimmicky format we'll be watching in the future.

Yes, that's right, the two-year long format war between HD-DVD and BluRay has finally come to a premature end.  Frankly, I was hoping Toshiba would "do a Bush" and invade Sony factories on the pretense of disabling their weapons of mass incompatibility, while at the same time fearing Sony would turn fundamentalist and fly an airliner into Toshiba headqurters. As it was though, Sony benefited from their shock and awe tactics, invading the market with their shiny BluRay-playing PS3.

There's a lot being made of the similarity between this format war and the VHS/Betamax format war of the 80's, Sony's Vietnam of format wars, if you will. But there's a vital distinction. VHS and Betamax only ever really had to compete against each other. Neither format was designed to replace an existing widespread technology. BluRay, now it's established some form of dominance, will have to deal with the insurgency of the DVD faithful.

Can you imagine everyone now suddenly deciding they need to spend around 400 squids on a brand new DVD machine just because Mr. Sony wants them to? Oh, and by the way, you're not getting the full effect unless you shell out a couple of grand on a new telly while you're at it. And don't forget the surround sound.

I for one will not be running out to buy a BluRay player because a) the discs cost a bomb, b) I hate Sony and c) if I did, they'd only just come out with a new shorter-wavelength laser system called GoldShower or something and we'd all have to upgrade again.

And to hear them talk about it, you'd think that any system not based on the new tech will be like watching an oldstyle flicker-show in comparison. Because as we know, anything that's not really expensive and new is akin to watching prehistoric cave drawings animated by a blind lemur with cramps. And in the really old days when people went to the cinema, they'd just inject LSD directly into your eyeballs so's you'd enjoy the shadow puppetry.

I don't care what they say, I'll never give up my Betamax machine, so long as my copy of Smokey and the Bandit still works on it...