Cause of Patrick's Day Riots Revealed:

Can the solution to this problem be any clearer? Clearly this kind of violence was the result of running out of cans Dutch Gold. Give these kids more booze, Bertie!

Warning: Do NOT Give This Man Money

Meet Oprah's new mate, Eckhart Tolle. He's written a book, wouldn't you know it, telling us about his trite and ludicrously constructed "philosophy" of life. Here's a little bit of what he thinks of the "pain body". (Don't feel that you need to watch it all.)

To echo the pain body in his little anecdote, this is indeed a load of rubbish. But you've got to hand it to Oprah; she knows that the great unwashed will happily part with their cash in exchange for the pleasure of being condescended to by some bizarre, Teutonic, goblin-faced prat, and why shouldn't she get paid off the back of that?

St. Patrick's Day Massacre

It's all too evident to me now that the kind of violence and general unpleasantness that regularly occurs on the 17th of March might have something to do with the fact that it's St. Patrick's Day. Isn't about time St. Patrick's reign of terror is brought to an end? This bloodthirsty Welsh god-botherer has long been the bane of our existence; when will our lawmakers finally free us of his tyranny and consign him to the dustbin of history?

Now, tradition has its place, but surely in the 21st century we can see our way to designating another date, a more secular date perhaps, as our national day. Ireland Day, if you like. We could have it on the 18th of April, the anniversary of Ireland's declaration of republic. And it would be a sombre affair; families might choose to spend the day in the local park, collectively building a giant sculpture abstractly representing the concept of the democratic freedoms and responsibilities incumbent on citizens of a great republic such as this. 

Single people may spend the day at home in quiet contemplation of how their vote has helped and will continue to help shape the living history of the state. In the late evening, every man over the age of 18 will raise a single glass of port (the women will have sherry) and stoically utter "To Ireland." They will take a sip, than pour the rest out in the garden, to be consumed by the mother earth, the soil, the very essence of our country.

Or, you know, we can stick with Paddy's day and keep getting pissed off our tits, that'd be okay too. JUST DON'T PUKE IN MY DRIVEWAY, YOU GITS!