Herald Highlight

Hot off the presses, today's Herald AM had something just a little bit special for all of us bored commuters and office drones:

Now, I've suspected for a while now that the good people at Herald AM have been specifically designing their front page to catch my attention and gain further exposure on this wildly popular and loquaciously written blog. And now I'm sure of it. This is the kind of mentalism that fully justifies a full page headline (though no story till page 6). And the photo... It's a newspaper man's dream (or woman's) when the nutter in question shows up to court dressed as the midget out of the Krankees.

Bertieland No More

Richard Nixon, Saddam Hussein and now, Bertie. A nation mourns the impending loss of one of its shiftiest statesmen. As has been suggested already, I fully support the declaration of May 6th as a national day of celebration. My only concern is that militant factions of Fianna Fáil will exploit the power vacuum, resulting in civil unrest among the proletariat. I'm prepared though; I have a schooner docked in Dun Laoghaire Harbour, ready to speed me to the Isle of Whight at the first signs of trouble. 

By the way, ever hand in your notice in a job only to have your boss say "It's all right, you can leave now." Well, we taxpayers are Bertie's employer. And I see no reason why he should have to work out his notice. Again, just a suggestion.

And while we're on the subject, I might as well point out yet another Herald Highlight (TM) from this week's freesheet:

This says it all doesn't it? I mean, the shock announcement of his resignation should have been anticipated given the outlandish desperate measures Bertie's resorted to this week. Not having read the story, I can only imagine a coven of Fianna Fáil occult adepts swathed in black robes chanting over the sarcophagus of the dead Haughey in an attempt to bring his evil spirit back from the other side. When CJ finally makes his appearance, he points a whispy, spectral finger at Ahern. "You were always a cute hoor, Bertie," he rasps, "but you're fucked now."

I only hope the tribunal doesn't ease up on him now; I want to see him whipped through the streets of Portlaoise...

Herald Highlight: A Finger of Fudge is Just Enough...

Now, in a feature the critics are already calling "semi-regular", we look at the slightly more legible of the two main free-sheets in our fair city, the Herald AM.

There was a single story that seems to have caught the imagination of all and sundry:

FINGER OF BLAME! That headline works on so many levels! For those who may not have heard the story, English 17-year-old Guy Wallace was visiting Dublin for Patrick's Day and, after a few underage scoops in tourist fave hangout Temple Bar, called in to McDonald's for some authentic Irish chow. Whereupon, he claims, he was set upon by a savage bolus of Micks (his words, probably). He awoke in hospital to find he had misplaced a finger. 

Now, ordinarily this tragic tale of dismemberment would end there with minimal follow-up from the Gardaí. But young Master Wallace returned to the UK and capitalised on his sob story by going on local radio. And in doing so, miraculously regained clarity of recollection as to how he lost the finger; he'd been a little hazy on that point before. 

The youths in Mickey D's, he said, had pursued him down the street, held his hand against the kerbside and jumped on his little finger until it snapped off! How immensely rude of them! I knew there was a rough element in Dublin, but this sounds like it came out of some demented torture-porn movie.

The truth however, as Occam's Razor predicts, is a lot simpler. Though no less entertaining. Apparently, Sir Guy of Wallace-shire panicked when asked by a gang of skangers where he was from, fled down the street and drunkenly tried to scale a serrated metal fence surrounding Eircom offices off O'Connell Street. And that's where he and poor pinky parted company. Gardaí found the AWOL finger on top of the railing, tragically too late for it to be reattached.

Now, all of that is hilarious enough by itself but here's where the true genius of the Herald AM people comes in: A witness described the finger as looking quite like "a burnt sausage". How best to give the discerning reader a visual on that? Well, damn it all, why not just print a colour picture of a burnt sausage in the bottom left of the front page? They missed a trick though by not having the caption read "Artist's conception of how the finger may have looked if retrieved by Gardaí with a fork." 

Nonetheless, hats off, Herald AM. Once again you have raised the stakes. Metro, take note.

Cause of Patrick's Day Riots Revealed:

Can the solution to this problem be any clearer? Clearly this kind of violence was the result of running out of cans Dutch Gold. Give these kids more booze, Bertie!

Herald AM: Another Week in Headlines

Having stumbled upon a much easier method of gathering the free Herald headlines for the week than stuffing them all in my bag on Friday evening and then having them clog up the house for ages until I finally get around to dumping them (now I take a picture of the front page each morning with my phone), I've decided to go through another week of journalistic gems. This week was truly a step up from last week's crop. Check 'em out...

Monday, 10 March - JUST ANOTHER WEEKEND IN MODERN IRELAND

Okay, first glance and this one isn't cutting the ould mustard. For me, the words conjure up images of staying in the house for fear of getting stuck sitting next to gangs of mullet-haired teenage boys on the bus, or getting sat next to gangs of Ug boot-wearing teenaged girls at the cinema, twittering on about whatever Sorche said to Ciarán at Wesley last night. (Really, what is the point of teenagers anyway? Do we need them? And if we do, why can't there be school at the weekends too? Or curfews or something?)

But no, this headline is made of much sterner stuff altogether. "MUM STABBED TO DEATH" says one by-line, "TWO DIE IN GANGLAND SHOOTINGS" says another, and all arranged prettily around a full-colour photo of a balaclava-clad thug. Yes! This is the sort of thing we need to get a Monday morning jump-started! Who knew Modern Ireland was so exciting?!

Tuesday, 11 March - MINISTERS TARGETED IN SINISTER BULLET PLOT

Another winner! As usual, by not reading the accompanying story, the fun is enhanced by speculating on which ministers and how many bullets apiece.

Wednesday, 12 March - BRAVE GARDA FACES DOWN ARMED THUG IN PUB RAID

What's going on? I'm still on a high from being told on Monday that the country is full of masked gangsters ready to stab me in the head at a moment's notice. Now we're told about some loose cannon cop (unconfirmed reports say his name may be Harry Callahan) who walks into his local boozer for a few jars and winds up tumblin' with some wise-guy packin' heat. Hey chief! Sure his methods are unorthodox, but he gets results, goddammit!!

Thursday, 13 March - TAKING THE MICK?

All right, so shifting gears down a bit today, but clearly designed to get the hackles raised nonetheless. It's something about the number of cabinet ministers who are spending Patrick's Day overseas in such locations as New York, Beijing and Buenos Aires. And all at the tax-payer's expense, dagnabbit! Ah well, can't say I blame them, considering Dirty Harry still hasn't cracked the case of the Sinister Bullet Plot we read about on Tuesday...

Friday, 14 March - ALL ABOARD FOR ST. PATRICK'S DAY 2008

Yeah, I know, another balls-up for Friday morning. They burned themselves out with the top-notch crime/violence/danger/fear! elements in the first three days of the week. They need to learn to pace themselves. On the plus side though, there's a picture of the mayor sailing a boat made out of rubbish down the Liffey. How's that for a comment on Modern Ireland?

Herald AM: A Week in Headlines

Of the two free newspapers circulated in Dublin, the Herald AM is clearly the superior. Not only is its rival, the Metro, staffed by alcoholics, functioning illiterates and sarcastic transition year students on work experience (one assumes), but the Herald AM is handed out by a far more attractive class of migrant worker. 

And it is the latter factor which weighs foremost in my mind each morning when Magda, clad in her red jacket and baseball cap, greets me with a free paper as I get off the bus to begin the slow trudge to work.

Not that I ever actually read the thing, you understand. I'm reliably informed that the sport section is passingly decent. And I did go through a phase of completing the sudoku puzzles on the back page during a quiet period in work in 2006. But generally, I tend to skim through some of the headlines (hidden between the copious ads and full-colour pics of lovely girls on PR assignments) and then bin the thing.

So with that in mind, we now take a look at the week in Herald AM front page headlines.

Monday, 3 March - "NO FRONTIERS TO EVIL"

Wow, nice start to the week! It's short, pithy, and has the added advantage of being a direct quote - labour saving! It's win-win all round. But how could this possibly be topped on Tuesday...?

Tuesday, 4 March - INFERNO OF FURY SEES RAGE INFECT WORKFORCE

Ho-ly shit. Houston, we have a headline. I mean, just try and tell me how this isn't the best damn headline of the week. No, screw that - this is the best headline of the year so far! I didn't read the story, but I can only assume that the workers escaped from a top secret experimental open-plan office and proceeded to spread the rage virus among the general population, leading to a zombie-apocalypse. Funny I didn't read about this in the Irish Times...

Wednesday, 5 March - CRISIS TALKS ON DRUG CUTS MAY CLOSE PHARMACIES

What? What the fuck? No, sorry, I mean, what the hell is this? We've gone from rage-infected keyboard-monkeys to fucking meetings about fucking prescriptions? And you don't fool me trying to jazz it up by calling them "crisis talks". Ever met a pharmacist? I did. And he was a wanker. Close 'em down, see if I care.

Thursday, 6 March - GUILTY

Now that's a little more like it. It's a bit light on detail though. And since I have no intention of reading the actual copy, I'm still in the dark as to who is in fact guilty, and what he's guilty of. But, considering my confidence in the Irish judicial system, I'm pretty sure he did it anyway. So this can only be a good thing. I'm in a good mood. Lock 'im up and beat some sense into 'im.

Friday, 7 March - STATE ACTION ON SUICIDES "BLOCKED BY DRINK LOBBY"

Snooze. Friday morning, arguably the most important morning of the week, has been ruined by a lackluster headline. Not only that, but right next to it they've printed a photo of some oul' one festooned with daffodils kissing Bertie Ahern on the cheek as he leans over her Nosferatu-esquely in a long black coat. One can only assume that he sucked the cash from her wizened person and retreated into the shadows to await the coming darkness.

Conclusion: If you're into newspapers, try spending money on them.