Film Review - G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

Let me preface this review with a story. When I was about three years old, my parents took me to the cinema with my siblings to see E.T. This was back when E.T. still had guns in it. I have a distinct memory of this being the first time I ever went to the cinema. Also distinct is the memory of becoming so upset by the film that my father had to take me outside to avoid disturbing the other audience members.

To my knowledge, this is the only time I have ever walked out of a movie. (Let the record show however that I later reconciled with E.T. and have since seen it through to the end.) For me, it's almost a point of pride that I do not walk out of films. The problem is, I'm not sure why this is. It's hardly a beneficial strategy when the film is remarkably bad... Do I think I'm staying to get my full money's worth? Or am I so optimistic that I think any film, no matter how bad it is, could potentially turn into Citizen Kane in the final ten minutes?

Whatever the reason, my principles were stretched to the limit this evening as I attended a preview screening of G.I. Joe, the summer blockbuster from director Stephen Sommers. (Who? You know, that guy... I think he did something good a while back, didn't he? Let me check IMdB... Oh. He did Van Helsing. Well, that explains much.)

With that as a hell of a jumping-off point, the problems here are many. Nominally, the cast has some talent; Adewale Akinuoye-Abgaje, Christopher Eccleston, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Jonathan Pryce and Dennis Quaid all pick up a pay-check here. I hope they can sleep at night in their luxury condos and soft, feathery sports cars. But they play against the likes of Sienna Miller, Channing Tatum, Darth Maul, a gay ninja who looks like Gok Wan, and a Wayans brother.

The film's plot, if I may call it that, resembles the free-play of a ritalin-addled child showered with miniature war machines from the Hasbro Corporation. Plot-holes appear that you could drive a mobile command unit through. The film-makers demonstrate such total regard for reality that they invent a new language used in Scotland called "Celtic" and change the laws of physics so that ice will sink if blown up with bombs.

Bottom line: over-loud, visually obnoxious, too violent (in my opinion) for the child audience it's obviously aimed at, ludicrously written - much like the toy, this film has a plastic appearance and is lacking in the genitals department. Yes, I have never walked out of a movie (I sat through Guy Ritchie's Revolver for christ sake!), but had there been fewer people sitting in my row, I surely would have run for the hills to avoid any more of this travesty of celluloid.

And finally, at the risk of being repetitive, here's how I will most fondly remember everyone's favourite militaristic toy franchise... Go Joe!

Ireland's Other Returns! (Or Blog 2: Blog Harder)

For months now, the interwebs have been a-buzz with rumours of the return of this very blog... And today, I am happy to announce the grand re-opening after more than a year!

Please, hold you applause. I suppose you are wondering why the long absence? Well, maybe I became disillusioned after the no vote in the Lisbon referendum and left the country. Or maybe Declan Ganley put out a contract on me for revealing his true lizard-man nature. Or maybe I just got a bit bored or distracted and forgot I had a blog to begin with.

But I've remembered now! How lucky you are! My only regret is missing all the crazy stuff that's happened over the last thirteen months. The global financial crisis (capitalism must be almost certainly nearly dead by now) local and European elections (ha, take that, Fianna Fáil!), the US presidential election (phew!), the local and European elections again (ha, take that, Mr. Ganley!)... and all the other non-political stuff too.

So rest easy in the knowledge that, in these times of global recession, blasphemy laws and self-cleaning underwear, there is still one man who will dare to write some mildly amusing paragraphs about everything that's going on. If he doesn't get home from work too late. And there's nothing good on telly.

Lisbon Treaty Exposé: Lizard-Men Want You to Vote NO!

While I was sitting at work this morning, deftly avoiding email queries as my staff scurried and carried out my orders without question (I'm really growing into this promotion thing), I received a very odd phone call from an anonymous tipster with some information about tomorrow's upcoming referendum.

"Hello," I said, a bit conventionally.

"Do you know what Libertas is?" said the voice on the other end of the line.

"What? Who is this?"

"Answer the question."

"Libertas? That's the group campaigning for a No vote, isn't it?"

"You should investigate its founder," said the voice.

"Interrogate the flounders?"

"Investigate its founder," said the voice, a bit louder.

"Sorry, it's a bad line. What's the name?"

"His name's Ganley."

"Gandhi?"

"Ganley! Declan J Ganley."

"Oh, right. Bad line."

"Just check him out."

"Wait, who is this?"

"Click."

I'm pretty sure that last bit was him hanging up, but as I said, it was a bad line, he may have been saying the word click and I picked it up wrong. Regardless, I did as he suggested and looked up this Ganley character on the internets.

And this is what I found: Ganley, whilst funding a campaign for a No vote on Lisbon in his free time, is the millionaire founder of something called Rivada Networks, an American company with links to the US military industrial complex, and spends his days between his residences in Galway and Washington DC. Could someone with a CV like this have some kind of vested interest in the outcome of the referendum tomorrow?

And the weirdness doesn't stop there. At lunch I sat down to eat my usual (cajun chicken panini, blueberry muffin) and opened up the Irish Times to find a story with the headline:

DISPUTE OVER LIBERTAS BUS INCIDENT WITH JOURNALIST

This is the odd story about Irish Times journalist Colm Keena who, at a scheduled Libertas press conference, leaned in the doorway of the Libertas campaign bus to request an interview only to be rudely ejected. The young woman approached by Keena, a student from Sligo, was "threatened and intimidated and became visibly upset" according to Libertas. Keena claims the driver told him the bus was leaving, closed the door on him (whacking him on the shoulder with it in the process), turned on the engine... but then didn't leave! Why all the deception? What has Libertas got to hide? Why was Keena denied access to the bus?

The true face of Libertas?

I can now exclusively reveal the reason for this surreal event. Libertas is run by a reptilian alien species taking human form in order to influence Earth politics. Keena was denied access to the bus because upper-echelon Libertas commanders were aboard in their lizard form in the act of harvesting prized mammalian meat from a young and impressionable volunteer. The student from Sligo was "visibly upset" as she had just been party to this horrific act. Libertas' ultimate goal is to destabilise the EU to the point where an invasion force can easily overwhelm our defenses and introduce their brand of brutal lizard governance.

All right, so perhaps this is only one possible reason for the surreal events. But coupled with the new information about Ganley's shady State-side associations, could it be true? I think that all right-minded citizens can only agree that, yes, it is.

Vote Yes tomorrow. Confound the reptilian menace.

I For One Welcome Our New Monkey Overlords...

I was shocked and dismayed to read this today. So I guess that's it, we had a good run. The human race has lost its spot at the top of the food chain. The monkeys are using their newly developed mind powers to turn our machinery against us. 

They've already formed a formidable alliance with the robots. Psychic monkeys and super-strong robots... I don't know bout you, but I'm headed for the basement with my shotgun. isn't this how Planet of the Apes happened? Scientists, stop your meddling! It's a mad house! A MAAAAD HOOOUUSSE!!

Scambaiting: Come Dancing Edition

From: "Susi"  

Reply-To: susi_saleeby@myway.com 

To: simon.chicanery@hotmail.com 

Subject: Thinking of you 

Date: Mon,  2 Oct 2006 11:17:33

 

 Hello honey, How are you today? I guess it is well if so thanks be to God almighty.How was your weekend i hope you do enjoy it well if so thanks be to God almighty.

 

Honey i want to know if you have contacted with the Bank if not please try to contact them to know what we have to do next.honey what kind of language did you use to write to my revrend?please tell.

 

As i wait to hear from you soon.

My great regards

Miss susi with love & trust.

 

 

From: "BANK OF AFRICA SENEGAL"  

To: "Simon Chicanery"  

Subject: Confirm receipt 

Date: Mon, 02 Oct 2006 14:08:12

Bank Of Africa Senegal(BOASE) 

39,Av.Leopold Sedar Senghor, 

Dakar Senegal.West Africa. 

Tel: 00 221 368 1543 

Fax: 00 221 892 4845 

Attn:Mr.Simon Chicanery. 

In view of your request for claims, closure and transfer of a deposited US$3.7M on behalf of Mss.Susi Saleeby whom is the recognised next of kin to our late customer Dr Elie E. Saleeby. Investigation has been conducted and your information coincided with those in our record based on the report from our payment verification board. 

Be informed that before further transfer process can be effected in your favour as our banking ethic states, we need to receive the following documents from the court of Senegal precisely, to prove legally that you have been mandated by Mss Susi Saleeby. 

(1) Forward a scaned copy of your identity and carefully fill the attached questionnaire form. 

(2) A letter of administration notorised in Dalar and an affidavit of oat/support from high court of Senegal. 

We hope that you will understand that our request for the above documents and information are part of our security protocols to avoid fraudlent claims or an unwarranted taking advantage of our customer's by some 

individuals or some other distance relation, who might have had access to his/her privacy. 

On receipt of the above requirements by e-mail attachment, we shall verify them and once we are satisfied, we shall process your file and effect the transfer without further delay. Thanks for your co-operation. 

Yours faithfully, 

Mr.Omar Ndiaye. 

Foreign operations & International Remittance Dept. 

(Bank of Africa Senegal,Dakar-Senegal) 

-- 

___________________________________________________ 

Play 100s of games for FREE! http://games.mail.com

 

 

From: "Simon Chicanery"  

To: house4grace@minister.com 

Subject: deepest heartfelt apologising 

Date: Mon, 02 Oct 2006 19:03:19

A SALAMA LACHEM OH REVERED CLERIC: 

first let me start by offering my most sincere sorriness for my unfortunate email of friday night last. you see, i had been celebrating the outcome of my court case (i arsenised the evidence lab) and ended up drinink large quantities of babycham and mr sheen in the field in which i live in with my sheep. it was in this inebriated state that i sent you this mail. please disregard and wipe from your memory anything i may have said (i have managed this already). if i said anything about trapping a young boy in a well in my field, this was a joke. please do not send it to the police. again i apologise from the heart of my bottom etc. 

i am glad we are friends reverend. i hope that when we become closer we will be able to discuss sensitive matters that i cannot discuss with anyone else. WILL YOU COME AND VISIT ME ON MY FIELD ON THE ISLE OF WIGHT IN ENGLAND IN THE UK? 

please let me know asap. 

-simon 

x

 

 

From: "Simon Chicanery"  

To: boase@sanfranmail.com 

Subject: URGENT: PLEASE REPLY POST HASTE!!! 

Date: Mon, 02 Oct 2006 19:07:03

 

Mr Omar::: 

what are you doing? you are having a lough? i cannot read the attachment you have sent me. this is UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOUR. i demand you transfer the funds IMMEDIATELY. 

-simon 

x 

ps kudos for understanding this request relates to the afore mentioned funds, as my previous mail was somewhat scant of detail. you must have ESPN.

 

 

From: "Simon Chicanery"  

To: susi_saleeby@myway.com 

Subject: MR. CHICANERY IN THE MYSTERY OF THE AFFRONTED CLERGYMAN 

Date: Mon, 02 Oct 2006 19:33:00

 

miss susi: 

oh dear, thank you for letting me know about the mail to the reverend - i was so pissed i had forgotten all about it. i must have been completely wankered! i do not know what i said in the mail. was the reverend ANGRY?? i hope i did not offend him to a fatal degree. i have already sent him a mail to say sorry. please tell him from me that i have not lost respect for him. 

oh susi, i love you so. i can't wait for you to be here with me in my luxury apartment building in the field in which i live in. oh the fun we will have chasing my little sheep Zsa Zsa around the field before i bludgeon you with a blunt instrument, possibly an oak bucket or a tree trunk fragment. then i will lower your unconscious body into the pit in my basement and pass lotion down to you in a basket so that you may keep your skin nice and soft for me. that reminds me, what dress size do you wear? i am getting very excited about it, i may go for a walk on the moors later. i quite like bowls and labrador riding, what kind of sports do you like? 

-s 

kissy kissy for my missie

 

 

From: "Susi"  

Reply-To: susi_saleeby@myway.com 

To: simon.chicanery@hotmail.com 

Subject: thinking of you 

Date: Tue,  3 Oct 2006 15:08:28

 Hello honey, Thanks for your mail i am glad to hear from you and to read your mail that you have send a mail to the revrend for Appology thanks alot for that,you know he is the only person that is helping me here in Senegal becuase he knows that i am a foreigner here in Senegal so he take me as his children,not that he was Angry you know being a father that he is he knows how to handle things like that he only told me you send him some mail and use a words that he did not understand, why he was saying this is becuase i told him that really i have falling inlove with you right from the very day i started writing to you evern before you send your picture so for the reason he want the best fore me so if he see ant thing that will hot me he whould want me to put myhand into it,so please honey you have to promise me that you will not dissapoint me when i got to your country and that you will take proper care of me to start a new  life and continue my education.Meanwhile i guess 

you have heard from the Bank please let me know the rquirement so that we know the next step to take.Again i will like you to buy me jeans wear for my travelling when i come over then we can both go for shopping.The kind of sport i like is foot ball,sweaming,basket ball. etc. Anyway honey get back to me as soon as possible to know what the bank said if you have contacted them.thinking of you.As i wait to hear from you soon.My great regards.Miss Susi Saleeby with love and trust.

 

 

From: "BANK OF AFRICA SENEGAL"  

To: "Simon Chicanery"  

Subject: Confirm receipt of the form 

Date: Tue, 03 Oct 2006 20:33:17

 

Bank Of Africa Senegal(BOASE) 

39,Av.Leopold Sedar Senghor, 

Dakar Senegal.West Africa. 

Tel: 00 221 368 1543 

Fax: 00 221 892 4845 

Attn:Mr.Simon Chicanery. 

We sincerely apologise for the failure of the attached file to appear in your message. In view of your request for claims, closure and transfer of a deposited US$3.7M on behalf of Mss.Susi Saleeby whom is the recognised next of kin to our late customer Dr Elie E. Saleeby. Investigation has been conducted and your information coincided with those in our record based on the report from our payment verification board. 

Be informed that before further transfer process can be effected in your favour as our banking ethic states, we need to receive the following documents from the court of Senegal precisely, to prove legally that you have been mandated by Mss Susi Saleeby. 

(1) Forward a scaned copy of your identity and carefully fill the attached questionnaire form. 

(2) A letter of administration notorised in Dakar and a sworn affidavit from high court of Senegal. 

We hope that you will understand that our request for the above documents and information are part of our security protocols to avoid fraudlent claims or an unwarranted taking advantage of our customer's by some individuals or some other distance relation, who might have had access to his/her privacy. 

On receipt of the above requirements by e-mail attachment, we shall verify them and once we are satisfied, we shall process your file and effect the transfer without further delay. Thanks for your co-operation. 

Yours faithfully, 

Mr.Omar Ndiaye. 

Foreign operations & International Remittance Dept. 

(Bank of Africa Senegal,Dakar-Senegal)

 

 

From: "Rev. Pedrol Dominic"  

To: "Simon Chicanery"  

Subject: Blessing from Rev.Pedrol. 

Date: Tue, 03 Oct 2006 19:13:30

 

Each and everyone one of us are going through tough times right now, but God is getting ready to bless you in a way that only He can. Keep the faith. 

My instructions were to pick four (4) people that I wanted God to bless, and I picked you. Please pass this to at least four (4) people you want to be blessed and a copy back to me. 

This prayer is powerful, and prayer is one of the best gifts we receive. There is no cost but a lot of rewards. Let's continue to pray for one another.

The prayer: Father, I ask You to bless my friends, relatives and those that I care deeply for, who are reading this right now. Show them a new revelation of Your love and power. Holy Spirit, I ask You to minister to their spirit at this very moment. Where there is pain, give them Your peace and mercy. Where there is self-doubt, release a renewed confidence through Your grace. Where there is need, I ask you to fulfill their needs. Bless their homes, families, finances, their goings and their comings. In Jesus' precious name. Amen. 

(If the Lord lays upon your heart to send this to more than four "4" people, you are truly blessed).

Rev.Pedrol Dominic.

 

 

From: "Rev.Pedrol Dominic."  

To: Simon Chicanery  

Subject: Respond from Rev.Pedrol Dominic 

Date: Tue, 3 Oct 2006 15:58:34

 

CHRIST THE KING CHURCH, 

DAKAR PARISH. 

RUE, 587 LIBERTE II. 

DAKAR-SENEGAL. 

  Peace of the Lord be with you Mr Simon chicanery,I wish to inform you that your apology was accepted by me,i know that you where a kind of tension the way you write that mail,according to your first mail  it sounded good so when i saw this other one i know some thing was wrong the way you sound,i pray over it,i have forgotting it all. 

  Nevertheless i will advice you that you try to help Miss Susi out of Africa because the way she is talking about you is like you are her God sent and she is diply inlove with you why i have to let you know this is because i have called her to interview her about you,she told me good of you that you want to bring her to the UK. and secure a resident permit for her and make her to have a good  education and so on. 

  Mr.Simon chicanery i will be happy to see that you help her out of here with her money in the bank to start a new life with you over there. 

  God will continue to direct your step and Bless You as you help the needys. 

  Remen Bless. 

  Rev.Pedrol Dominic 

  CHRIST THE KING CHURCHES 

  DAKAR-SENEGAL.

 

 

From: "Simon Chicanery"  

To: house4grace_minister@yahoo.com 

Subject: RE: Respond from Rev.Pedrol Dominic 

Date: Tue, 03 Oct 2006 19:43:59

hey rev 

thanks for your merciful forgiveness. and yes i love helping the needys. so... do you think you would like to come and visit me? have you thought about it? i'd love to see you. what are you wearing right now? are you wearing a collar? do you think i could put it on when you come over? i'd like that. we could go dancing, i know a great club near fishbourne on the A3450. we could eat oysters and drink champagne and then go to a dogfight club. do you like bloodsports? tell me more about you, i think you're fantastic. 

hopefully 

-simon

George Lucas and the Raped Childhoods of Millions

Last night I went to see Indiana Jones and the Principality of the Pointless Plot-device. And well, if Lucas raped my childhood with the Star Wars prequels, then maybe he only indecently assaulted it with this pile of dreck. 

Yeah, I would characterise this more as Lucas coming over to visit, missing his last train, and bedding down on the couch only to furtively sneak into my childhood's bedroom at 3am to give it a quick fondle, then realising my childhood is actually getting on a bit in years and he doesn't really fancy it anymore, returning to the couch to sleep it off and waking up next morning with a hangover, remembering nothing. Lucas will go on with his life, making films and TV shows, earning millions on merchandising rights, while my childhood is forever scarred with shame and self-loathing, probably ending up turning to drugs, then prostitution and, ultimately, suicide.

I hope you're happy, Lucas.

Okay, so maybe I'm going overboard comparing a film to the horrors of child abuse, but it can't be far off. For those of us who grew up with the original movies in the 80's, The Kingdom of the Crystalline Cranium is a big disappointment. It's overlong, underwritten, tedious and filled to the brim with CGI rather than the practical stunts and effects of the originals which Spielberg had promised. Most attempts at humour fall flat on their face. Also, and most egregiously, its subject matter is completely incongruous with the established canon.

The film deals with (SPOILER ALERT) aliens. What is it with aliens these days? The Indie franchise is the second major worldwide institution this month to ponder extraterrestrial life despite a prior obsession with religious nonsense... 

All the same, it's still in the top 4 Indiana Jones movies of all time. Though it comes a distant fourth behind the racist overtones of Temple of Doom. 

Oops / Phew...

I posted this a while ago, thinking I was being stalked in a peculiarly passive-aggressive manner by the Church of Scientology. I am simultaneously relieved and a little disappointed to say the comment in question was not left by "anonymous" (some creepy Travolta-obsessed guy sitting smeared in his own faeces beneath a giant poster of L Ron), but by Anonymous. 

Okay, so I was aware of Anonymous, but it was an easy mistake to make. And I'm in full support of spreading the word on dangerous cults (Catholics next lads, right?). Here's some lies from that guy what that bloke on Panorama shouted at:

WWII a Gay Conspiracy, says Right Wing Christian Fundie

Yes, it's another example of Poe's Law. Except anyone who wrote this as parody is seriously fucked up! Mind you, even if it's not parody, it's still evidence of a depraved fantasy life on the part of the imaginative authors. I was especially struck by the following passage:

"The "Butch" homosexual guards and capos were capable of unrestrained cruelty, sadism and savagery. A guard at Auschwitz, for instance, strangled, crushed and gnawed to death as many as 100 boys and young men a day while raping them at his leisure."

Leisure? Leisure??! That sound like bloody hard work to me!! 100 boys in a day?? That is truly herculean! Actually, reminds me a bit of this guy...

Scientology Update

I recently posted this here nugget about a supposed contract one must sign before being allowed to be in the movie-stars-and-delusionals-only club (which shall not be named for fear of their terrible litigious reputation). (Oh shit, I already named them in the subject line. Oh well, maybe they won't notice.)

Well! If I didn't get a helpful little comment! (All too rare, these comments. I think maybe my massive readership are a bit intimidated by my scathing wit and obvious intellect.) This comment was kind enough to direct me to the nearest Church of Sientology Mission, you know the one, on Abbey Street where the guy used to ask you if you wanted a free personality test. Apparently they hold meetings there which are accessible by the great unwashed, and the one detailed in the comments section was last Saturday at 11am.

I'm not sure how to take this, frankly. Was this a helpful hint from a fellow civilian, pointing me towards what may have been a richly informative morning activity? Or was it one of those freaky brainwashed individuals you see on YouTube shouting at innocent ashtrays? 

I may never know. You see, I just recently overcame my issues with the Sony corporation and bought a Playstation 3 with GTA4. And now I don't leave the house besides to go to work. So you see, I missed that meeting last weekend... But I'm kinda sorry I did. While I'm not the joiner type myself and frankly know more than enough to have put me off the idea already, I'd still be interested to sit in and watch the happenings anonymously. And then blog about them. Ah well, maybe next time the Church of Christian Science will get in touch, they sound like loopers as well.

Catholic Church Enters Its Sci-Fi Phase

Link. And the burning question on every jesuit's mind now is: Is Mr. Spock free from original sin??

News just in: The Vatican Space Agency will be sending a five-priest mission in search of Space Angels from Mars.