16 March, 2008

Herald AM: Another Week in Headlines



Having stumbled upon a much easier method of gathering the free Herald headlines for the week than stuffing them all in my bag on Friday evening and then having them clog up the house for ages until I finally get around to dumping them (now I take a picture of the front page each morning with my phone), I've decided to go through another week of journalistic gems. This week was truly a step up from last week's crop. Check 'em out...

Monday, 10 March - JUST ANOTHER WEEKEND IN MODERN IRELAND

Okay, first glance and this one isn't cutting the ould mustard. For me, the words conjure up images of staying in the house for fear of getting stuck sitting next to gangs of mullet-haired teenage boys on the bus, or getting sat next to gangs of Ug boot-wearing teenaged girls at the cinema, twittering on about whatever Sorche said to CiarĂ¡n at Wesley last night. (Really, what is the point of teenagers anyway? Do we need them? And if we do, why can't there be school at the weekends too? Or curfews or something?)
But no, this headline is made of much sterner stuff altogether. "MUM STABBED TO DEATH" says one by-line, "TWO DIE IN GANGLAND SHOOTINGS" says another, and all arranged prettily around a full-colour photo of a balaclava-clad thug. Yes! This is the sort of thing we need to get a Monday morning jump-started! Who knew Modern Ireland was so exciting?!

Tuesday, 11 March - MINISTERS TARGETED IN SINISTER BULLET PLOT
Another winner! As usual, by not reading the accompanying story, the fun is enhanced by speculating on which ministers and how many bullets apiece.

Wednesday, 12 March - BRAVE GARDA FACES DOWN ARMED THUG IN PUB RAID
What's going on? I'm still on a high from being told on Monday that the country is full of masked gangsters ready to stab me in the head at a moment's notice. Now we're told about some loose cannon cop (unconfirmed reports say his name may be Harry Callahan) who walks into his local boozer for a few jars and winds up tumblin' with some wise-guy packin' heat. Hey chief! Sure his methods are unorthodox, but he gets results, goddammit!!

Thursday, 13 March - TAKING THE MICK?
All right, so shifting gears down a bit today, but clearly designed to get the hackles raised nonetheless. It's something about the number of cabinet ministers who are spending Patrick's Day overseas in such locations as New York, Beijing and Buenos Aires. And all at the tax-payer's expense, dagnabbit! Ah well, can't say I blame them, considering Dirty Harry still hasn't cracked the case of the Sinister Bullet Plot we read about on Tuesday...

Friday, 14 March - ALL ABOARD FOR ST. PATRICK'S DAY 2008
Yeah, I know, another balls-up for Friday morning. They burned themselves out with the top-notch crime/violence/danger/fear! elements in the first three days of the week. They need to learn to pace themselves. On the plus side though, there's a picture of the mayor sailing a boat made out of rubbish down the Liffey. How's that for a comment on Modern Ireland?

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