From: boase@sanfranmail.com
Subject: RE: Compliment.
Date: 5 Sep 2006 21:12:29 -0000
Thanks for contacting the management of Bank of Africa Senegal, we shall revert to you shortly.
Subject: RE: Plight of refugees in Senegal
Date: Tue, 05 Sep 2006 22:41:30
Howaya Suuuuussi, achtung baby,
How's da form? It's meself Bono again, even better dan da real thing. Sorry I haven't been in touch wit ya like, but the band had to do the oul laundry and dat bleedin fool Adam Clayton has obsessive compulsive disorder and insisted we wash every single item separately, ONE poxy thing at a time! It took us a jaysus week just to get through da Edge's feckin hats!! I tough' we'd be doin it until da end of da world!
In anyways, I'm just writin to let yiz know we've only had to cancel da massive fuckin gig in da refugee camp in Dakar Senegal because da wife's booked us a fortnight in Aya Nappa, so I don't know who's gonna ride yer wild horses now. She wanted to go to Ibiza, but I said feck off, coz da music there is so cruel.
Sorry bout dat, but I gave Bob Geldof a buzz to let him know what's goin on, so maybe he can help yiz, wha? He loves Africa an all so he does.
Seeyiz
Bono
(Rock god)
PS # the FLY (4:29)
# MYSTERIOUS WAYS (4:04)
# TRYIN' to throw your ARMS around the WORLD (3:53)
# ULTRA violet (light my WAY) (5:31)
# ACROBAT (4:30)
# LOVE IS blindness (4:23)
Subject: My heart breaks with your every step, as you tread on my ribs
Date: Tue, 05 Sep 2006 23:04:15
Susi, my beautiful perfect daughter of small size,
i am sad that you had no answerd my mail early,but i kno you hart will take patient and tim to heel. i can wait for you as long as nessecray.Meanwhile i meet you new daddy today while working,he make me very much happiness delight.
i dress as giant GARBANZO BEAN POD on Sherriff Street in centr Dublin and want every all childrens to smash and rip open pod and liberate human legume as i run low on oxygen inside.one small boy kick me in my face while i tie restraint into my shoe and i went sleeping,while i sleep he thefted my moneys i earning all the day and stab me in leg with a syringe of taking drug.then lovely masculine man help me and we marriage later.
I hope you liking him (you step father) when you come in Dublin as he has large temper and getting more violent.
please please write to me and speak of you and you're doings. Please do not kill yourself because of despair sad melancholia.
i will be more than happy to get reply to my mail
i hope to hear from you soonest
Mummy Saleeby
x
Subject: RE: keep me update.
Date: Wed, 06 Sep 2006 06:21:46 -0400
For the attention of Ms Susi:
Please be advised and informed that I HAVE CONTACTED THE "LAWYER" WITH THE CORRECT INFORMATION FOR WESTERN UNION TRANSFER.
I WILL LET YOU KNOW AS SOON AS "HE" REVERTS.
Apart from that, I hope you have decided not to commit suicide. I myself have called in sick today as during the night I was awoken by the sound of terrible screams coming from the utility room (adjacent to the sun terrace). I investigated to find my youngest brother, Stumpy Magoo had become trapped inside the washing machine! The reasons behind this remain unclear, but needless to say...
However, I slept poorly and with dreams of horror following this disturbing incident. What were the implications? And would my trousers be dry by morning? Who could say? Stumpy was still unwilling to comment on who exactly forced him into the washing machine, but I hope to determine their identity and press charges; poor Stumpy cannot swim and as a result nearly drowned (or as we say in Irlandé, "drownded"). As it was, his neck got caught in a pair of tights - as you can imagine, he was very lucky to raise the alarm before he succumbed.
And then, this morning my other youngest brothers Kermit, Fozzy-bollix and Wankface were teasing poor Stumpy Magoo and sniffing him to smell the pleasant odour of fabric softener. This was too much for Stumpy to bear and he ran off into the street where he was struck by a car (1984 Opel Record estate, blue, mint condition) and died. Now I may never know who put poor Stumpy in the washing machine. Oh poor Stumpy, you never had a chance. I think I shall write a song about him and send it to Bono.
In other news, I certainly hope all goes well with the lawyer and Western Union, as I very desperately need to pay back Fisty Magee (the loan shark and worldwide scrabble champion - you may remember him from my previous mails if you actually bother to read them at all, which, let's face it, is highly unlikely) the money I borrowed... I fear that if he is not satisfied, he may put me in a washing machine, which is his trademark punishment for non-payment of loans...
Well, enough about me.
Bye
Willonzo "I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore" O'Nualáin
kissy kissy
From : Willonzo O'Nualain
Sent : Wednesday, September 6, 2006 7:58 AM
CC : susi_saleeby@myway.com, house4grace@minister.com, house4grace_minister@yahoo.com
Subject : Lament for Stumpy Magoo
ATTN: Bono, lead singer in "The U2".
Bono, I have written another song for The U2. Please provide for a chorus of "Stumpy oooo, Stumpy Magoo" between each verse and 12 minute drum solo following verse 2.
Oh Stumpy Magoo
Where are you?
You brightened our days
And shined our shoes
With aplomb.
Oh Stumpy Magoo
What happened to you?
Before you were hit by a car
And sent up far
In the sky.
Stumpy Magoo
With your eyes so blue,
You did what you were told.
Now your corpse smells of Bold
Automatic.
Esteemed Reverend Pedrol,
I hope you will join me in unbearable grief and say a MASS for my poor deceased and dead brother Stumpy.
Your friend and partner
Willonzo "Nobo" O'Nualáin
Subject: RE: Lament for Stumpy Magoo URGENT URGENT RESPOND NEEDED
Date: Wed, 6 Sep 2006 15:21:12
Hello honey,
I am sorry to say this i am really dissapointed in you i never think you will do this to me i think there is some thing wrong with you,please let me know if you are not ready to help me out of this situation i am into you better let me know please! Please!! please!!! stop mucking at me if you did not have money to send you just better tell ok.
Lawyer called again telling me that i must be a mad girl that i did not know what i am doing,that i am falling in love with mad Man that i should be carefull about the person i am going to live my with,all he said he send his secretary to the western uion today again and the secretary came back and tell him that there was no such transaction in the bank that you did not send any money pls!pls!!pls!!! stop it ok.
bye
Susi
Subject: URGENT URGENT - HIGH IMPORTANCE: PLS READ AND REPLY IMMEDIATELY NOW
Date: Wed, 06 Sep 2006 15:31:05
Susi:
Did you used to me a dude? I don't mind so long as the surgery is completed and performed by a competent surgeon.
I AM GOING TO WESTERN UNION *NOW* TO BUST SOME HEADS AND ENSURE MONEY IS TRANSFERRED IMMEDIATELY.
I love you so much it is no longer funny
Willonzo
PS I see you haven't killed yourself yet - keep up the good work!
Subject: urgent urgent respond needed.
Date: Wed, 6 Sep 2006 15:32:55
Thanks alot for you have turn me to a laughing suck give yourself a handplus
PS a MILLION hAND plUS. FOR YOU And YouR gAME THAnks ALoTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT ByEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Subject: RE: urgent urgent respond needed.
Date: Wed, 06 Sep 2006 15:38:15
Susi,
I have no idea what you mean! Your English is very poor, it was much better at the start when you were working from the script.
Please elaborate.
love 'n' hugs
Willonzo.
Subject: URGENT URGENT - HIGH IMPORTANCE: PLS READ AND REPLY IMMEDIATELY NOW
Date: Wed, 6 Sep 2006 15:45:51
It is good you go to western uion you Better do bye
Subject: RE: URGENT URGENT - HIGH IMPORTANCE: PLS READ AND REPLY IMMEDIATELY NOW
Date: Wed, 06 Sep 2006 15:51:16
Susi my love,
On my way to Western Union right now. I am very sorry to upset you honey, I know this is not a game. I just want you so much to be in Ireland with me so we can have a nice time and watching of moving.
I will write back later to let you know what they say.
Willonzo
XXX
Subject: Greetings.
Date: Wed, 6 Sep 2006 16:11:13
ATTENTION MR.WILLONZO TERRABYTE O'NUALAIN
YOU MUST BE A CLAWN !
YOURS SINCERELY
ABDULLAHI DJALLO
AMDYCHAMBERS,DAKAR-SENEGAL.
Subject: RE: Greetings.
Date: Wed, 06 Sep 2006 16:20:00
Lawyer:
I cannot reply as I am busy trying to get your payment transferred. Please wait for further instructions which will be forwarded in the form of language (written).
Yours
Willonzo
PS Would you like to go dancing sometime?
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