Of the two free newspapers circulated in Dublin, the Herald AM is clearly the superior. Not only is its rival, the Metro, staffed by alcoholics, functioning illiterates and sarcastic transition year students on work experience (one assumes), but the Herald AM is handed out by a far more attractive class of migrant worker.
And it is the latter factor which weighs foremost in my mind each morning when Magda, clad in her red jacket and baseball cap, greets me with a free paper as I get off the bus to begin the slow trudge to work.
Not that I ever actually read the thing, you understand. I'm reliably informed that the sport section is passingly decent. And I did go through a phase of completing the sudoku puzzles on the back page during a quiet period in work in 2006. But generally, I tend to skim through some of the headlines (hidden between the copious ads and full-colour pics of lovely girls on PR assignments) and then bin the thing.
So with that in mind, we now take a look at the week in Herald AM front page headlines.
Monday, 3 March - "NO FRONTIERS TO EVIL"
Wow, nice start to the week! It's short, pithy, and has the added advantage of being a direct quote - labour saving! It's win-win all round. But how could this possibly be topped on Tuesday...?
Tuesday, 4 March - INFERNO OF FURY SEES RAGE INFECT WORKFORCE
Ho-ly shit. Houston, we have a headline. I mean, just try and tell me how this isn't the best damn headline of the week. No, screw that - this is the best headline of the year so far! I didn't read the story, but I can only assume that the workers escaped from a top secret experimental open-plan office and proceeded to spread the rage virus among the general population, leading to a zombie-apocalypse. Funny I didn't read about this in the Irish Times...
Wednesday, 5 March - CRISIS TALKS ON DRUG CUTS MAY CLOSE PHARMACIES
What? What the fuck? No, sorry, I mean, what the hell is this? We've gone from rage-infected keyboard-monkeys to fucking meetings about fucking prescriptions? And you don't fool me trying to jazz it up by calling them "crisis talks". Ever met a pharmacist? I did. And he was a wanker. Close 'em down, see if I care.
Thursday, 6 March - GUILTY
Now that's a little more like it. It's a bit light on detail though. And since I have no intention of reading the actual copy, I'm still in the dark as to who is in fact guilty, and what he's guilty of. But, considering my confidence in the Irish judicial system, I'm pretty sure he did it anyway. So this can only be a good thing. I'm in a good mood. Lock 'im up and beat some sense into 'im.
Friday, 7 March - STATE ACTION ON SUICIDES "BLOCKED BY DRINK LOBBY"
Snooze. Friday morning, arguably the most important morning of the week, has been ruined by a lackluster headline. Not only that, but right next to it they've printed a photo of some oul' one festooned with daffodils kissing Bertie Ahern on the cheek as he leans over her Nosferatu-esquely in a long black coat. One can only assume that he sucked the cash from her wizened person and retreated into the shadows to await the coming darkness.
Conclusion: If you're into newspapers, try spending money on them.
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