29 February, 2008

Yes, they still Blog for Brownback


Sam Brownback, former Methodist, former evangelical and current Catholic with links to Opus Dei, is more than just an ultra-conservative, god-bothering, failed US presidential candidate (R - Kansas). At least, so think the contributors to Blogs for Brownback
They apparently believe he still has a shot at the Oval Office next time round, and are spending their time till then writing posts with titles such as "Barack Obama is a Homosexual Crackhead" and "Women's Suffrage: An Idea Whose Time is Gone".
I know what you're thinking; it's all a gag, nobody can spout such utter shite and keep a straight face. Think again. These are Americans, remember. Check this for balls-out religionist ignorance! Pointed out by friend-of-the-blog Cathal (surname withheld on friend's request), this may well be a piss-take, as the blog could easily have been "infiltrated by liberal heathen types", but many of the comments seem worryingly sincere. And as for the liberal comment-leavers, why bother??

Saleeby Scam - Edisode VI: The Wedding Album

From: "Willonzo O'Nualain"  
Subject: Tragedy has struck 
Date: Fri, 01 Sep 2006 11:26:43

Yo holmes 

My darling Susi, I am so very tired this morning. I got home from my secret mission at 7am - barely leaving enough time for me to scrub myself with Brillo pads and put on my very smart uniform for work in the Irish bank in Ireland. The uniform consists of black patent leather shoes (x2), black patent leather pantaloons (x1), black armour-plated shirt/blouse with rhinestone detailing (x3), feline face mask (x1), neon yellow rain hat (x1), fluffy rabbit ears (x2). 

It is now time to come clean and tell you where I went last night: concerned that I do not have sufficient funds to pay our solicitor, I went to see if I could donate some blood in exchange for modest remuneration. I met the "doctor" in the alley behind the Pen Palace on Dame Street (they have a wonderful selection of pens, one so clearly in love with the written word such as yourself will have a splendid time browsing their shelves). I asked him to leave me enough blood to make it home, but he took too much and I lost consciousness, falling forward onto my modestly pretty face and breaking my left front incisor tooth! Even worse, while I was sleeping, some unscrupulous individual relieved me of my Walkman and my favourite the U2 tape cassette! Disaster! 

To add insult to injury, the physician neglected to leave my payment. I will not pursue him on this matter, as I'm sure this was an honest mistake. So here I am penniless and with a broken tooth and none of my favourite music to show for my efforts... 

But fear not, payday for me is not far off, and I will endeavour to raise the money in other ways. We will yet have our moment in the sun! (It is cloudy here today, how is the weather in Dakar Senegal?) 

Your friend who is still very interested in what crazy crap is going to happen next, 
Willonzo 
(kiss, kiss) (kiss, hug, kiss, quick feel, kiss) (kiss goodbye) (firm handshake, walk away, look over shoulder, smile and wave) (Walk into sunset to melancholy musical accompaniment.)



From: "Willonzo O'Nualain"  
Subject: RE: Legal charges 
Date: Fri, 01 Sep 2006 11:49:13

Dear sir/madam 

Many thanks for your prompt response. However, there is a problem: I do not at present have the moolah to pay for your expert services. 

I would ask you however to PLEASE GO AHEAD WITH THE LEGAL SERVICES and I will provide payment at a later date - plus a little extra. Like the sound of that? We'll keep it strictly between the two of us, no one else needs to know. If you will not do it for me, will you do it for my darling "wife"? Please see attached picture of she and I on our "special day". 

Please advice of your decision asap. 

Your sweetheart 
Willonzo

 

 

 

From: "Barrister Abdullahi Djallo"  
Subject: RE: Legal charges 
Date: Fri,  1 Sep 2006 16:50:04

 ATTENTION MR.WILLONZO TERRABYTE O'NUALAINI CAN ONLY ACCEPT TO REMOVE MY LEGAL CHARGE BUT WILL NOT WORK WITHOUT RECEIVING US$2450 FROM YOU WHICH STANDS FOR THE COURT LEVY/FEES AS I EXPLAINED PREVIOUSLY.

THANKS.

 

YOURS SINCERELY

ABDULLAHI DJALLO

AMDYCHAMBERS,

DAKAR-SENEGAL.

 

 

From: "Willonzo O'Nualain"  
Subject: RE: Legal charges 
Date: Fri, 01 Sep 2006 21:23:08

 

Dude... What's the matter with you man, you used to be cool. Now it's all, I want my money or I won't help. You've changed man. 

I WILL TRANSFER THE CASH ASAP. PLEASE CHECK YOUR ACCOUNT TO CONFIRM RECEIPT. 

MANY THANKS 
WILLONZO T O'NUALAIN

 

 

From: "Father Mickey O'Flange"  
Subject: Fr Mickey Minge and the Mystery of the Inter-Faith Emergency 
Date: Fri, 01 Sep 2006 21:00:31

Peace be upon the prophet, my brother Rev Pedo; 

Yes, it is I once more, Fr. Minge. To commence, let me offer my heartfelt thanks for your beautiful affecting message. Unfortunately, the body of the message contained within the attached jpg pictures would not appear on my magic computer box screen. So I have no idea what it said. Something about god I would assume, and indeed: Aren't ALL things about GOD?? Also, please excuse my late reply, as I have just returned from an alter boys outing, a trip to Bangkok - an excursion that was most overdue, it is high time my young friends learnt about the Miracle of the Virgin Ladyboy. 

Anyway, shut up and listen for I have an urgent situation on my hands. In my absence, my gorgeous young protégé Willonzo has agreed to marry your skanky bit of fluff Susi. Honestly! I can't leave them alone for five minutes!! In any case, I'm sure you'll agree that such a union would be an abomination in the eyes of god. Yes, I'm happy that we agree on this point. 

Therefore, I would much appreciate it if you would make efforts to dissuade Susi from taking the "plunge" on your end, and I will put pressure on Willonzo's end. Thusly shall we forestall the inevitable birth of the anti-christ and delay judgement day for yet another year. And as I'm sure I don't need to point out to you of all men, as it says in the GOOD BOOK:-

  1. Preheat oven to 250 degrees F (120 degrees C). Grease one baking sheet. 
  2. In a mixing bowl, whip together the egg white and water until frothy. In a separate bowl, mix together sugar, salt, and cinnamon. 
  3. Add pecans to egg whites, stir to coat the nuts evenly. Remove the nuts, and toss them in the sugar mixture until coated. Spread the nuts out on the prepared baking sheet. 
  4. Bake at 250 degrees F (120 degrees C) for 1 hour. Stir every 15 minutes. 

As relevant in the current times as it was in 1982. May god help us to coat our nuts evenly.

In sincere admiration and abject impotence (that Bangkok trip was a waste), 
Fr. Michael "Minge" "Mingie" O'Flange

 

 

From: "Willonzo O'Nualain"  
Subject: ONE DAY AT A TIME 
Date: Fri, 01 Sep 2006 22:23:19

 

Pleasant evening my dearest Susi, how's it hangin', sugar bumps? 

Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you hungry? Are you mad? Are you looking at a shooting star, making a wish? Or sitting on a bush pig, eating a fish? These are the things I would most like to know. Because you are my favourite, even better than Joe. 

Another hard day for your handsome little soldier Willonzo. I decided this morning to set up a fun-run to raise money for the lawyer. Phew! What hard work! I did not expect the organisation of a marathon with five thousand participants to be such a headache. As it turned out, there were only three people willing to partake in the fun-run, and only I managed to get sponsored. 

The trouble arose when, while running past Tower Records, I accidentally inhaled some roasted peanuts, resulting in mild anaphylactic shock. I began breathing heavily through the new gap in my clenched teeth (no, the gap doesn't make me a better singer, I already checked!) and this produced an intermittent, high-pitched whistling whistle sort of sound. 

By the time I heard the dogs coming, I was already on the ground. There were somewhere between ten (10) and 50 (fifty) of them, but curiously they were all cocker spaniels, according to the account of a bystander. The dogs then proceeded to eat my t-shirt and shorts, leaving me bereft of all clothing on Wicklow Street! And all this for only EUR2.50 in sponsorship money! 

This was not a stellar result for my fund raising efforts. Where will I find the liquidity to rescue you from the refugee camp in Dakar Senegal if I am unable to raise the funds?? So disappointed and dejected was I by my failure that I decided to hire a heli-taxi home and ate an entire tub of caviar flavoured ice cream topped with gold foil and Faberge eggs. 

But fear not my sweet lovely one, love always finds a way. In other news, Fr. Minge has been acting very strangely since he came back from his holiday. I found him this evening sitting in the bottom of my wardrobe with a torch and a scrapbook full of pictures of Jonathan Rhys Meyers. He was very upset when I came upon him and began shouting at me. 

He thinks that our wedding will be a portent of the End Times. Or something. Presently he looked out the window and saw a goat, which he claimed was "the rough goat, the king of Grecia, and the great horn that is between his eyes is the first king". But we later found out that it was my youngest brother Wankface dressed in a wet-suit. 

Anyway, I am tired and my hands are still bleeding from where the dogs savaged me earlier, so I will go and leave you alone to do the things you do in the camp. What are those fictional things, I wonder. Perhaps I shall never know my sweet, and perhaps that is for the best, as I get bored very easily. 

Night night, don't let the camp guard dogs bite (ha ha) 
Willonzo 


x
y

26 February, 2008

Another Fine Day in Bertie-land


Michael Nugent over at That's Ireland has posted a devastating yet still incomplete summation of why Bertie (pictured with some other asshole) should be whipped naked on the streets of Drumcondra. Or at least not allowed to run the country anymore.
Hear hear. How much longer must we put up with this arse-banditry? I think it's time the army stepped up and did the decent thing: a bloody coup. Generals of Ireland! Rise up against your corrupt taoiseach! Generals-- hello? Army? Oh, that's right, they're all deaf.

25 February, 2008

Susi Saleeby - Chapter the Fifth: I Fought the Law...

From: "Willonzo O'Nualain"  
Subject: help please 
Date: Wed, 30 Aug 2006 20:32:19


Attention lawyer head: 

Is this Amdy Chambers of 121 Fenetre Mermoz, Ouakam Dakar, Senegal? Principal partner in the firm of  Barrister Abdullahi Djallo? It is? I can't believe my luck! (Chill dude, play it cool. Poker face.) Ahem. 

Make sure you heed well what I am about to say to you as your career and possibly your life will depend on it. Are you listening/sitting comfortably? Good, then I shall begin. (Do not fidget or I will find another Senegalese lawyer, they must be ten a penny, especially in Senegal.) 

I am currently in the process of trying to assume control of the assets of the dead pops of my "Wife". Her name is SUSI SALEEBY (CC'd above - hi Susi! xxx) and her father was Dr. ELIE SALEEBY (I think he was some kind of chiropodist, but she won't tell me. I think it's a touchy subject, so don't ask.) Dr. Saleeby was head of the Central Bank of Liberia. 

The good people at Bank of Africa Senegal (nominally Omar Ndiaye - not sure how you pronounce that one) have advised that they require the following: 

(1) Forward a scaned copy of your identity. 
(2) Present the last written WILL of late Dr.Elie E. Saleeby. 
(3) Letter of probate from the high court of Dakar-Senegal. 
(4) A copy of Dr.Elie Saleeby`s certified death certificate. 
(5) A power of attorney signed/notorised by a Senegal based lawyer to empower to represent her. 
(6) Present a sworn affidavit of oat/support from high court of Senegal. 


Now, even though I was born in international waters and me oul' fellah wanted to keep me off the books altogether, I will probably be able to knock out some ID. My good "lady" "wife" (i.e. Miss Susi Saleeby - hey baby) can produce the afore mentioned fictional WILL and DEATH CERT of dead daddy Dr Saleeby. 

All of which means, I need you to provide: 

(3) Letter of probate from the high court of Dakar-Senegal. 
(5) A power of attorney signed/notorised by a Senegal based lawyer to empower to represent her. 
(6) Present a sworn affidavit of oat/support from high court of Senegal. 

So whatdya say? Can you do it? Or are ya just chicken? Buck buck buck ba-caawk! Now suck it up and get to work or I guarantee you'll find yourself on the SIBERIAN FRONT by the end of the week. 

Please advise of any fees/charges that we (I) may need to pay for the above services. 

Willonzo Terrabyte O'Nualáin 
former personal assistant to Derek Davis

 

 

From: "Willonzo O'Nualain"  
Subject: RE: (A beautiful message)... 
Date: Wed, 30 Aug 2006 21:03:27

 

Reverend Anadin, oh holy man of the jungle, 

Firstly, thanks so much for the beautiful message. Is God still on the throne today? I hope not, but if so perhaps he should try Senecot, or if he is in the States, Ex-Lax. 

Secondly, I would also like to thank you for assisting Miss Susi in finding a good, honest lawyer - a fine upstanding pillar of the community no doubt, who has probably worked with you in the past protecting orphans from the vicious refugee camp laws of Senegal - to help us with our money problems in Africa. Will I ever be relieved when all that lovely filthy money is in my account and I can pay for the new iPod I bought today? And the Nissan Micra I bought yesterday?

The other thing I wanted to confide in you is somewhat sensitive. She said in her last mail to me, and I quote: 

"l want you to promise me that you will not disappoint me". 

I was not a strong enough man to make such a promise. Oh sure, I will be able to contact the lawyer and play the game of the pretence of paying fees and so on, but I am more worried about what happens when Susi comes to Dublin... You see I will disappoint my darling Susi in the bedroom or "sack" as I fear I may not be sufficiently aroused by the female ladies. You see, I am sexually attracted to rodents and other small mammals. 

Don't get me wrong, I love Miss Susi more than cheese and biscuits, but I just don't think I'll be able to get "it" up without having a squirrel or hamster nearby for stimulation. Will Miss Susi be into this? If so, do you think it would be too much for me to ask her to bring a monkey with her when she comes to Dublin? Preferably a ring-tailed lemur or marmoset. If neither is available, I will settle for a small (baby) chimp. 

Your kind attention is much appreciated; 
All hail the dark lord 
Willonzo

 

 

From: "Rev.Pedrol Dominic."  
To: Willonzo O'Nualain  
Subject: Response from Rev.Dominic. 
Date: Thu, 31 Aug 2006 15:08:13

 

CHRIST THE KING CHURCH,
DAKAR PARISH.
RUE, 587 LIBERTE II.
DAKAR-SENEGAL.   Peace of the Lord be with you,  

 

My Dear friend sorry for the delay to respond to your mail, As you can see i am very busy person,so  attend to a lot of people,so i will adivce you to kindly assist the yonge Lady out of the Camp to bring her to your country to start a new life with her inherritance.that is all she need you to do for her,mind you please don't tell  her that you will disappoint her in any area 'Cos i 've to tell you this if she get to know that you will disappoint  her in anyway she will just kill herself has she is really inlove with you always talking about you every time she come to my office.  

 

So please I will be very glad to see that you really help her our of Africa,God will continuel to guide your steps as you do that to your fellow human beings. Thank you brother Willonzo To God be the Glory Amen.

 

Jesus is LORD!!!.

Rev.Pedrol Dominic.

 

 

From: "Barrister Abdullahi Djallo"  
Subject: Acknowledged 
Date: Wed, 30 Aug 2006 23:13:44 

Attention Mr.Willonzo Terrabyte O'Nualáin. 

Inrespect to your request for my legal service, an inquiry mail has been forwarded to the customer's service Bank of Africa Senegal to kindly confirm validity of your claim before i can consider your offer, after which i shall present to you my compulsory legal charges and how you should pay to me directly as soon as i confirm from the bank of Africa Senegal unfailingly by tomorrow morning. 

I'm looking forward to hearing more from you soon, thank you. 

Yours sincerely, 
Abdullahi Djallo(Esq) 
AMDYCHAMBERS SENEGAL. 
Fenetre Mermoz,Quakam, 
Dakar – Senegal

 

 

From: "Willonzo O'Nualain"  
Subject: RE: Acknowledged 
Date: Thu, 31 Aug 2006 12:08:34

 

Dear Amdy J Chambers III esquire: 

Many thanks for your confirmation of my plea for help. I am concerned though for your well-being... Still in the office after 11pm? This cannot be healthy sir! And we need you to be in top form for these important legal wanglings. I understand that your employer may be pressuring you into working these late hours. Please direct him to the following website for valuable work/life balance training and information. 


Otherwise, keep up the good work! 

Willonzo darling

 

 

From: "Barrister Abdullahi Djallo"  
Subject: Legal charges 
Date: Thu, 31 Aug 2006 13:49:50

 

ATTENTION MR.WILLONZO TERRABYTE O'NUALAIN

SEQUEL TO YOUR MAIL REQUEST, THE BANK OF AFRICA SENEGAL HAVE CONFIRMED THE VALIDITY OF THE SAID ACCOUNT AND CLAIMS. THEREFORE I HAVE AGREED TO ASSIST YOU SECURE ALL THE REQUIRED DOCUMENTS SUCH AS POWER OF ATTORNEY, SWORN AFFIDAVIT AND PROBATE LETTER. AS FOLLOWS ARE THE NEEDFULS FROM YOUR SIDE TO ENABLE ME DRAFT THE POWER OF ATTORNEY IN YOUR FAVOUR.

1" SCANED COPY OF YOUR NATIONAL IDENTITY 
2" FORWARD YOUR CURRENT PHONE AND CONTACT ADDRESS

TO SECURE THE ABOVE MENTIONED DOCUMENTS, WILL COST YOU AN EQUIVALENT OF US$2,450(TWO THOUSAND FOUR HUNDRED AND FIFITY USD) WHILE MY LEGAL FEE IS US$300 ONLY. FOLLOWING THE FACT THAT I SHALL NEED TO OBTAIN SIGNATORY OF THE NOTARY OFFICER, AN AUTHORISATION FROM THE PROBATE REGISTRA AS WELL AS THE COMMISSIONER FOR OAT AT THE HIGH COURT OF JUSTICE IN DAKAR. INCLUDING SOME MINOR COURT FEES UPON EACH OF THEM. I'M SURE YOU MUST HAVE BEEN AWARE OF THIS INFORMATION BY NOW.

READ THIS MAIL CAREFULLY SO THAT YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND ME BETTER, ENDEAVOUR TO SEND DIRECT TO ME A TOTAL SUM OF US$2,750 FOR A LEGAL ACTION TO COMMENCE ON YOUR BEHALF AT THE COURT OF SENEGAL ON THE NAME OF MY PERSON SECRETARY THROUGH WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER IMMEDIATELY, HER NAME AND THE DETAILS NEEDED BY WESTERN UNION TO SEND OR RECEIVE MONEY FROM ANY PART OF THE WORLD ARE STATED AS FOLLOWS.

Name; Miss Faith Omagbon Osemwonyemwen
Address; 45 harmo grand yoff, Dakar Senegal.
Phone; + 221 557 10 26

ThEN FORWARD DIRECT TO ME THIS 3 INFORMATION WRITTEN BELOW SO THAT SHE CAN ASSIST ME CASH THE MONEY FROMTHE WESTERN UNION OVER HERE.

1) The control numbers
2) The test question and answer
3) The name and address of the sender

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOONEST, BE AWARE THAT IT WILL TAKE ME MAXIMUM OF 2DAYS TO PRODUCE THESE DOCUMENTS IF I CAN RECEICE THE ABOVE SUM/CHARGES FROM YOU BETWEEN NOW AND TOMORROW. THANKS.

YOURS SINCERELY
ABDULLAHI DJALLO
AMDYCHAMBERS,DAKAR-SENEGAL.

 

 

From: "Susi"  
Subject: Thanks for your concern about me. 
Date: Thu, 31 Aug 2006 15:31:20

 

Hello honey,

How are you today?

I guess it is well if so thanks be to God almighty.Honey i am aways happy reading your mail you are just too funny you make me loungh all the time when reading your mail is really a great thing knowing you,infact through at the night i was thinking of you after reading your mail i lough! lough!! lough!!! very funny guy i love oyu Man you win my heart that is great,thanks for your concern about me.


The music i like is Jaz,Rap,Blues it keeps me happy any time i am listting to it.


Meanwhile i saw the message you send to the Lawyer you are just too funny,what did you ask him?like you said so what dya Say?can you do it?or are ya just chicken?Buck buck buck ba_caawk.please what is the meaning of all this?is it not funny to you? yes or NO please i need Answer.


Anyway as soon as you hear from our Lawyer get back to me as i wait to hear from you soon.


My great regards
Miss Susi.
with love & trust.

 

 

From: "Willonzo O'Nualain"  
Subject: RE: Thanks for your concern about me. 
Date: Thu, 31 Aug 2006 23:41:43 

To my betrothed, Susi dear (I like dear, especially the small ones - I have the special version of Bambi on DVD under my matress) 

Yes! Guilty as charged! I am a funny guy! I am always making my friends lough by hitting them forcefully with a camán when their heads are turned... But be sure about one thing:- I am deadly serious when it comes to our relationship goddammit and I won't hear anyone say any different. 

In professional life in Ireland, it is essential to let your solicitor / barrister know that you will not "take any crap" - that is to say that you demand VERY GOOD SERVICE and a free t-shirt if possible. If the customer shows any WEAKNESS, then he is doomed to a life of mediocre legal advice. Therefore, when I asked the law man in Dakar Senegal if he was CHICKEN, I was CHALLENGING him to DO HIS JOB VERY EXTREMELY WELL so that you can come to IRELAND SOONEST. 

Jazz, blues and rap! That is great! I had started to think maybe you weren't reading my interweb communiqués fully. Thank you muchly for responding to this query. I also like these musics, as well as the U2. But not as much. I will of course have to dispose of any recordings you bring with you, but you will soon grow accustomed to your new life in what is a radically different society. You may find that many of the rights and privileges you have come to expect are void in this country. But this should go to show how important it really is to live in a wide variety of social and economic climates before you finally make the choice to hitch your wagon to some bloke you bumped into on the interweb, so that you may make an informed decision as to which one is most suited to you. Better luck next time though. 

It is late at night now in Ireland and I have had a hard day at work, but now I must go out- I will not tell you why or where or how or with whom or why or when or indeed why I'm not telling you. But just know that our love for each other grows each day at an exponential rate that threatens to consume all in its wake, spreading out from its epicentre at close to twice the speed of sound, decimating dwellings and commercial property alike indiscriminately and without pause. 

Your man (ish) 
Willonzo 

PS I have been contacted by the lawyer re: THE LEGAL FEES. I will work tomorrow on sending the money I hope. Soon my dearest... soon. By the way, my favourite colour is grey. What is your favourite colour?

 

 

From: "Willonzo O'Nualain"  
Subject: RE: Response from Rev.Dominic. 
Date: Fri, 01 Sep 2006 00:22:09

 

Dear Reverend Disprin Soluble, man of god in the dark continent, 

Thank you for your kind response. I must say that I am dismayed by your evaluation of Miss Susi's emotional state. Is she really suicidal? Is there truly a danger that she may take her own life? 

This saddens and troubles me greatly. I worry that she may decide to top herself before I can get my hands on her lovely lovely spondoolix (is that the correct word? I can never remember). 

Never mind about that now, the most important thing is that we keep Miss Susi happy and distracted from the appalling atrocities going on around her in the refugee camp in Dakar Senegal, much like in that Roberto Benini movie that he got the Oscar for and climbed over all the seats that time. Remember that? 

Anyway, enough of this old pile of wank, I have to tell you something very urgently prescient: I got an email from the LAWYER AMDYCHAMBERS IN SENEGAL. He says that his imagined legal jiggery and/or pokery will cost me US$2,750.00. That's over two thousand beans in real money! Two G's! Unfortunately, I am at this moment barren, beggared, depleted, drained, flat, impecunious, impoverished, indigent, penurious, stony and (most distressingly) strapped. YOU MUST NOT ALLOW MISS SUSI TO KNOW THIS! 

The knowledge may cause in her feelings of anguish, apprehension, disquiet, distress, misgiving, perplexity, torment, uncertainty, vexation and woe (perhaps also slight headache). Enough perhaps to push her over the edge and start her reaching for the razor blades? Maybe you are better positioned to answer that question than I... 

Regardless, I have devised a possible solution to my monetary and/or fiduciary difficulties:- I will go to meet a back-alley surgeon who will perform unnecessary operations for money in his illicit back-alley medical correspondence college. Perhaps he will buy some of my lesser-used organs (I have a mint condition spleen which is already attracting big interest on E-Bay). 

So we are far from beat! I will keep you posted Master. 

Your acolyte of shadows, 
Willonzo 

!nataS liaH

 

23 February, 2008

DVD Review - The Nines

Having heard about The Nines some time ago as being an innovative new horror film, I was mildly interested to see it if I got the chance. Horror these days is a genre desperately in need of more innovation and less torture. So last week when I saw it cheap on region 1 DVD on the internets, my interest was piqued. That was my first mistake. 
My second was ordering it. I suppose my third mistake, watching the thing, was at this point unavoidable. By this time my destiny was set in stone and I was committed to sitting though this numerical mess. "Y9u never kn9w when y9ur number is up," reads the tagline. This in itself almost had me dialing 999 to have the gardaí contain the disc and remove it from the building.
Written and directed by John August, acclaimed director of just about nothing at all, The Nines (or The Nin9s, if you want to be wanky about it) starts out as the story of Gary, and actor on CSI-a-like TV show Crim9 Lab (see what they did there? Yes, it's full of this kind of thing.) Gary has a bad break-up and tries some crack, ending in a conviction and lengthy period of house arrest. During which time he meets his next door neighbour, a hot momma who's obviously not what she appears to be. To go on further with regards the plot would be pointless, but I will say that it plays out like a Star Trek script from the early 90's.
So is there anything to recommend about this, or is it a complete travesty? Well, Ryan Reynolds turns in a decent performance and demonstrates versatility in a triple-role as Gary/Gavin/Gabriel. He's no Peter Sellers now, but I did buy the fact that he was meant to be three different guys (or was he...?). Then again, maybe that was more to do with him having his hair dyed three different colours. The rest of the cast is filled out adequately with nobodies and half-familiars from TV-land. There was the odd moment of genuine humour. 
Anyways, horror film? No. Supernatural thriller? No. Paranormal mystery? Not really that either. So either the thing was marketed wrong (I'm not sure how they might have tried to sell it at all really), or I just wasn't paying attention. Both eventualities are equally likely. Interesting in an experimental way, but could have easily been condensed into an Outer Limits episode and nobody would have felt as fucked over as I did when I took the disc out of the machine and threw it across the room, knocking over my housemate's ornamental picture of the Virgin Mary with the flashing blue LEDs. Avoid.
That said, August's next film might be worth checking out. If he's ever let make one. And only if he doesn't write it.

22 February, 2008

Why I was in a church...

Himself was at me the other week for not writing enough about what's happening in my life. "You need to write more on what's going on around you, not just post clips from YouTube all the bleedin' time," he says. So, with that in mind, Wednesday night myself and the three miscreants I share this house with are sitting in watching telly. Stinky Magee (the waster) is tuning his guitar and Laura (the Kiwi) says to him,
"You're always tuning that thing, but we never hear you play it."
"That's because he can't," I say. "He only knows how to tune."
"Feck off," is Stinky's reply, "I've been playing for years."
"What grade are you?" asks Sean (the obnoxious banker).
"I don't even know if they do grades for guitar. I'm self-taught."
This rings true to me. Stinky claims to have never had a job. His parents are rich and pay his rent each month, leaving him plenty of time to wank around and teach himself to play guitar.
"Play something then," says Laura.
"Play what? The feckin' Beatles?" Stinky is getting riled. "I'm not a busker."
"What do you normally play?" I ask him.
"I'm working on an album at the moment. Urban folk music mainly"
"Me bollix," says Sean, "mainly."
"You should come and play at my church," says Laura. She's ostensibly religious, but I think it's social networking dressed up. "We have musicians in on Thursday night."
Stinky doesn't need much encouragement and Sean and myself don't want to miss what we know will be train-wreck entertainment of the highest order, so the four of us head off to Laura's church (don't ask me which denomination, but I've a feeling the mother would call them "left-footers") on Thursday night. Which is where I see the sign which read:
...or words to that effect. Speaking of carpet-eaters, I looked it up and apparently, apart from the obvious meaning, it's also a slang term for Hitler. Weird, huh? Anyway, their penchant for pithy slogans was evident from the outset, as out front they have a large sign reading 

"GLOBAL WARNING: THE SON WILL RETURN". 

Well, yes, that almost makes some sort of sense. I pass by it every day on the way to work and it bugs the shit out of me. So we go inside and I sneakily take the picture of the word collage (why couldn't the others see it?) and before long, it's Stinky's time to shine.
The vicar (or whatever) invites Stinky up on stage. Stinky it seems can indeed play the guitar. Here's what he sang. (I asked permission to print some of his lyrics. He hasn't got back to me yet, but I'm sure it's all right.)

Signin' on the dole
There isn't any craic
When me burd is up the pole
And me ma is on the smack
Northside born and bred
But there's no chip upon me shoulder
Me ma earned givin' head
Me da a deafened soldier
I didn't go to school
Just bunked off playin' pool
Coz there isn't any craic
When yer ma is on the smack.

Stinky was not issued a return invitation. Also, until last year, he lived with his parents in Foxrock. To my knowledge, his mother has thus far resisted the temptation of heroin use. His album is coming out later this year and will be called "Folk You, Mother-Folkers".
And another thing, Laura dissuaded me from suggesting a replacement for their "global warning" sign. But if you're reading, vicar, here it is: