From: "Barrister Abdullahi Djallo"
Subject: RE: Greetings.
Date: Wed, 6 Sep 2006 17:59:46
ATTENTION MR.WILLONZO TERRABYTE O'NUALAIN
WHILE I WAIT FOR YOU TO SEND ME FURTHER TRANSACTION DETAILS, I DEMAND THAT YOU SHOULD FORWARD ME A SCAN COPY OF YOUR IDENTITY, DIRECT TELEPHONE NUMBER THROUGH WHICH I CAN REACH YOU TO BE SURE OF WHOM I AM WORKING FOR. I AM BEGINNING TO LOOSE INTEREST IN THIS ASSIGNMENT AND I CAN ONLY ACCEPT TO CONTINUE IF YOU CAN ENDEAVOUR TO FORDWARD YOUR EITHER YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE OR AN INTERNATIONAL PASSORT.
I HAVE SERIOUS DOUBTS ABOUT YOUR COMITTMENT IN THIS OPERATION AND I AM TO BUSY TO WASTE MY TIME ON A CLAWN, INDEED YOU ARE A CHARACTER AND I PUT A QUESTION MARK ON YOUR CAPABILITY TO CONTROL THIS MAGINUDE OF FUND. I HAVE SEVERAL POINTS AGAINST YOU. I CAN ONLY BE CONVINCED WHEN I VIEW YOUR IDENTITY AS WELL AS HAVING YOUR DIRECT PHONE CONTACT. I WANT TO CALL YOU ON THE PHONE BY MYSELF BEFORE I CAN BE CONVINCED TO PROCEED.
HONESTLY I AM NO LONGER INTERESTED IN HAVING THE LEGAL FEE SENT TO ME ANY MORE BUT I WANT TO KNOW WHOM YOU ARE AND WHAT EXACTLY YOU DO FOR A LIVING. THANK YOU.
YOURS SINCERELY
ABDULLAHI DJALLO
AMDYCHAMBERS,DAKAR-SENEGAL.
From: "Willonzo O'Nualain"
Subject: RE: Greetings.
Date: Wed, 06 Sep 2006 23:14:04
Dear Miss Lawyer / sir,
Listen Johnny Cochrane, please stop shouting at me! Your voice is very loud and I have sensitive ears. I can't stand it when you shout as it is unnecessary.
In response to your queries, firstly I must explain to you what Western Union have told me with their human mouths and tongues. THERE HAS BEEN IN ERROR IN THE WESTERN UNION COMPUTERISED MONEY / CASH SYSTEM AND SOME TRANSFERS TO SENEGAL OVER A CERTAIN AMOUNT HAVE BEEN AFFECTED ADVERSELY. THE AMOUNT OF MY TRANSFER TO YOU WAS CHANGED FROM US$2,450 TO 7 FRANCS BY THE COMPUTER (GREMLINS). This gross misconduct was the result of an errant paper aeroplane striking a keyboard and a subsequent (small) fire.
I am working hard to ensure the cash is transferred POST HASTE, but this requires co-operation with Western Union and they do not like me. I accidentally injured their cat with a sharp-tipped umbrella while in their office on Tuesday. However, THEY HAVE ASSURED ME THE ISSUE WILL BE RESOLVED ASAP.
In your email you say that you "DEMAND THAT YOU SHOULD FORWARD ME A SCAN COPY OF YOUR IDENTITY, DIRECT TELEPHONE NUMBER". You demand, sir??? Have you ever heard the expression "The customer is always right"? You have a lot to learn about civil comportment, sir!
Also, PLEASE DO NOT CALL MY WIFE DIRECTLY REGARDING MONEY MATTERS. YOU ARE WORKING FOR ME AND I EXPECT YOU TO FOLLOW MY INSTRUCTIONS. IF YOU WANT TO GET PAID, PLEASE BE NICER TO ME. BELIEVE ME RUMPOLE, THERE ARE PLENTY OTHER LAWYERS IN AFRICA...
Many thanks and highest regards,
Willonzo
PS What are you wearing? I bet you're hot.
From: "Willonzo O'Nualain"
Subject: URGENT SPIRITUAL GUIDANCE REQUIRED IMMEDIATELY (LIKE YESTERDAY)
Date: Wed, 06 Sep 2006 23:38:47
Holy Reverend of the Black Arts who looks down on me from heaven and blesses me and sends angels to remind me to tape my favourite programmes:
Rev, I have always relied on you to help me in times of spiritual crisis and I am afraid this is one of those times.
The problem is, I have promised my dear Susi that I will help her escape the camp (as you well know, do not feign ignorance with me you crafty preacher), but I have hit a snag. When I went to the Western Union office to transfer the money, a man standing outside told me to spend my money on a sheep with five legs. (Such animals are rare in my country and demand a high price - an excellent and wise investment in anyone's language (mine is Swedish) and therefore a must-buy.)
The man’s sheep had a price tag exactly equal to the sum asked of me by THE LAWYER. I realised the great profit to be made on this purchase and so bought the sheep there and then. I would have more money to buy my Susi-doll a nice Hoover! Upon closer inspection however, I deduced that the creature was in fact a poodle with an erection - an animal that can be bought / sold for EUR10 at any fast food outlet.
Now I am undone! I was forced to send whatever funds I had remaining in my account (not much) to the lawyer. Now the lawyer is angry that he has not received the full sum. Also, the loan shark I borrowed the money from (you remember Fisty Magee don't you? Or did I tell you about him? Aha, nearly caught you out there) is anxious for me to repay my debt or he will break my wrists, which I need for typing absurd emails and performing other essential tasks.
And I have just been informed that I need to ask the lawyer to return the box of Cadbury's Flakes sent to him by Western Union as they accidentally filled the box with poisonous spiders. (Also, they don't like him.)
Please Rev, can you give me advice? I am DESPERATE!!! Susi is very unhappy with me and I am afraid she might do something silly and drink too much weed killer. Can you help us find another lawyer? One who will work for FREE? Or at least one who will not shout at me.
Waiting for your response to lift up my soul and rid me of the anxiety caused by the steadily thickening plot,
Willonzo Ulysses O'Nualáin
PS All Bow and Hail Santa
From: "Willonzo O'Nualain"
Subject: Forgive me please my sweet, our love soars like an eagle in the EASTERLY WIND
Date: Wed, 06 Sep 2006 23:49:52
Susi,
I know I have been bad. Can you please accept my apology and embrace me in forgiveness? I am SO SORRY that I made you sad / disappointed / enraged / damp. I am sorry that the days of me making you lough! lough!! lough!!! are far behind us now, like a hazy water-coloured memory.
I want to make it up to you - Will you let me know your address so I can send you a present? I bought it for you especially, it is very special and cost me a lot of money. Let me ask you a question first though: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ABOUT THE LAWYER:
I am very angry with him for speaking to you the way he did with disrespect. I told him that if he does not behave, we will find a NEW LAWYER. Do you know of any other lawyers who are lovely? If not, I will continue to try to work with this one, but I do not think he is attracted to me, he has ignored my advances so far (but doubtless I will wear down his resistance yet with my charms).
I DO NOT WANT YOU TO WORRY ABOUT THE LEGAL FEES. Please let me handle it and do not speak to the lawyer anymore. He is a DICK. And DO NOT WORRY ABOUT GETTING OUT OF THE camp. Love will find a way, my little African pumpkin pie.
I will speak to you soon. I hope you are sleeping well right now, all tucked up in your little cell, dreams of sugar plums and vegetables dancing in your head.
Willonzo
(former Alternative Miss Ireland, 1973)
From: "Willonzo O'Nualain"
Subject: URGENT REQUEST
Date: Wed, 06 Sep 2006 23:59:53
Dear Mr. Omar,
I have spent the day in an opium den researching our future investment opportunity and I have come to the conclusion that A) narcotics are an excellent investment, B) they are best sold instead of used and 4) I have a slight liquidity issue at present.
CAN YOU PLEASE FORWARD ME INFO / BROCHURES ON YOUR SHORT TERM LOANS? I do not require a huge sum and you can use the US$3.7m as collateral if you wish.
Please revert to me with rates, offers etc. ASAP and immediately (by next week). Do not say that you were warned.
Your Willonzo baby
PS What are you doing Friday night? I know a little Italian place, great atmosphere, nice wine. Call me.
Subject: RAISING MONEY FOR SUSI SALEEBY
Date: Thu, 07 Sep 2006 01:34:30
Hoi there Susi,
I am Bob Geldof. My friend Bono is the leader of the rock group The U2 and he has alerted me to your situation in the refugee camp in Dakar Senegal, roight (roish)?
I have been in these camps myself loike, so I know how awful they are - no running water, rats, only one PC for every five people and broadband service without providing your own free homepage. This has always seemed unacceptable to me, so I am going to do something to help.
I am setting up a GIANT ROCK concert, which I am going to call SCAM-AID or maybe even SUSI-AID. All the major rock bands of the world will take part (except The U2), including Phil Collins, Human League, Spandau Ballet and even Boney M. I will sing "Tell Me Why..." It will be ledge.
In order for this to take place though, I will need you to send me US$3,899.00 in order to draw up legal papers for the Dakar high court loike. Can you please transfer these funds via Western Union ASAP.
I have to go now as Tiger Lily is putting spoons and forks in the microwave oven.
Your new best friend,
Boomtown Bob
From: "Mrs. Zainab Saleeby"
Subject: WILLONZO
Date: Thu, 07 Sep 2006 01:47:05
Susi my girl
i am very disappointed in you sorry to say it,no hearing from you speaking tongue or mails since i mail you days ago. Do you not love me,you momma who carry you and give birth? I have labour 4days before you come in world and make life misery for you mama and papa,but we still did loved you anyway and gave you feed sometime.Whats a matter you?
you should not treat poor boy willonzo so bad,he trying he best to help your out of camp and this situation in that you find youself bring you Dublin Irlandé is a nice a place. I think you very rude to him not give him enough chance. Only very short time he know each another and already you asking moneys and throwing fits very rude! i don't raise no rude childrens,i smack you upside yo head when seeing you.
Be good girl and talking with yo momma.
Mrs Saleeby
Subject: RE: WILLONZO
Date: Thu, 7 Sep 2006 13:42:49
Dear, Mama, Thanks for your advice and concern about me God bless.
Susi
bye.
Subject: RE: Forgive me please my sweet, our love soars like an eagle in the EASTERLY WIND
Date: Thu, 7 Sep 2006 13:44:27
Hello Sweet sweet honey the only surger in my tea you are so lovely God bless you thanks for your concern about me.byeSusi.
Subject: RE: RAISING MONEY FOR SUSI SALEEBY
Date: Thu, 7 Sep 2006 13:47:36
Thanks for your conern about me God bless you
bye
Susi.
Subject: Please Co-operate with our Lawyer
Date: Thu, 7 Sep 2006 16:45:58
Hello honey,
I have to let you know this that i am really confuse of this own thing i don't know who is right or rong but from your own side i believe in you but the fact is that i did not know what is really going on,you should know that is not right for Western union to send money with wrong information two times this is unbelieveable,so with this you have to co operate with our Lawyer by prooving yourself to him that you not the kind of person as bad as he is thinking, by sending to him your identity ok please proof yourself for my sake.
Meanwhile i will like us to continue with him becasue if you come to look at it he know every thing about our deallings if we did not use him,he might have other miss to give me problems over here you know i am with him here,so please be kind with him as i wait to hear from you soon.
My great regards
Miss Susi with love & trust.
From: "Willonzo O'Nualain"
Subject: VERY AWFUL BAD NEWS OF TERRIBLE DISASTER / CRISES RIGHT IN MY COUNTRY (BYE)
Date: Thu, 07 Sep 2006 23:35:13
My loving and trusted Susi,
I would love nothing more than to send a scanned copy of my passport to your imaginary lawyer, along with my home address and real name, but I have more pressing concerns at the moment. Fisty Magee has just found out I spent his money on a randy poodle with terminal mange and cannot pay him back. He is on his way over to stuff me in the washing machine on spin cycle at 40 degrees.
So with that in mind, I am writing my last WILL and testicle. To you, I leave my collection of packaged mint condition Battlestar Galactica action figures (ca 1985). Please try and barter them for food or gin. I hope they serve you well...
Also, I think it would be unwise for you to come to Ireland as CIVIL WAR has just broken out over the construction of Bertie Land. In fact, REBELS have just entered my house to get everyone assassinated. Oh well.
I will always remember you and your crazy harebrained scheme (con) and the assorted arse banditry that we have enjoyed together. I hope you do not kill yourself as a result of this, ha ha.
May we meet again if not in this life, then in the next (under another pseudonym).
GOODBYE FOREVER
WILLONZO O'NUALAIN
(Cue national anthem, slow zoom-in on flag fluttering in breeze, fade out, title card: The End, roll credits, turn off projector, go home, eat pot noodle, sleep)
PS I have forwarded the details of all people involved, including yourself, Rev. Pedrol, Omar Ndiaye, Amdy Chambers and Miss Faith Omagbon Osemwonyemwen to INTERPOL to assist in helping you in your attempts to escape the camp. I hope they will be in touch with you soon!!
Subject: RE: VERY AWFUL BAD NEWS OF TERRIBLE DISASTER / CRISES RIGHT IN MY COUNTRY (BYE)
Date: Fri, 8 Sep 2006 12:48:36
Thanks for your concern about me
byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
From: "Dr. Elie E Saleeby" elie.e.saleeby@hotmail.com
To: susi_saleeby@myway.com
Subject: Who yo Daddy??
Date: Fri, 08 Sep 2006 00:40:20
Susi,
I am still alive also!!
What's all this I hear about you trying to nick my $3.7 million???
You got some explaining to do, young lady!
Da.
Subject: RE: Who yo Daddy??
Date: Fri, 8 Sep 2006 07:44:36
Fuck offffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff you
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