Having heard about The Nines some time ago as being an innovative new horror film, I was mildly interested to see it if I got the chance. Horror these days is a genre desperately in need of more innovation and less torture. So last week when I saw it cheap on region 1 DVD on the internets, my interest was piqued. That was my first mistake.
My second was ordering it. I suppose my third mistake, watching the thing, was at this point unavoidable. By this time my destiny was set in stone and I was committed to sitting though this numerical mess. "Y9u never kn9w when y9ur number is up," reads the tagline. This in itself almost had me dialing 999 to have the gardaí contain the disc and remove it from the building.
Written and directed by John August, acclaimed director of just about nothing at all, The Nines (or The Nin9s, if you want to be wanky about it) starts out as the story of Gary, and actor on CSI-a-like TV show Crim9 Lab (see what they did there? Yes, it's full of this kind of thing.) Gary has a bad break-up and tries some crack, ending in a conviction and lengthy period of house arrest. During which time he meets his next door neighbour, a hot momma who's obviously not what she appears to be. To go on further with regards the plot would be pointless, but I will say that it plays out like a Star Trek script from the early 90's.
So is there anything to recommend about this, or is it a complete travesty? Well, Ryan Reynolds turns in a decent performance and demonstrates versatility in a triple-role as Gary/Gavin/Gabriel. He's no Peter Sellers now, but I did buy the fact that he was meant to be three different guys (or was he...?). Then again, maybe that was more to do with him having his hair dyed three different colours. The rest of the cast is filled out adequately with nobodies and half-familiars from TV-land. There was the odd moment of genuine humour.
Anyways, horror film? No. Supernatural thriller? No. Paranormal mystery? Not really that either. So either the thing was marketed wrong (I'm not sure how they might have tried to sell it at all really), or I just wasn't paying attention. Both eventualities are equally likely. Interesting in an experimental way, but could have easily been condensed into an Outer Limits episode and nobody would have felt as fucked over as I did when I took the disc out of the machine and threw it across the room, knocking over my housemate's ornamental picture of the Virgin Mary with the flashing blue LEDs. Avoid.
That said, August's next film might be worth checking out. If he's ever let make one. And only if he doesn't write it.
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