From: "Susi"
To: willonzo
Subject: This is my full life story with love & trust.
Date: Sat, 26 Aug 2006 13:03:57
Hello My Dearest Willonzo
How are you today?
This is my full life story,Meanwhile l hope you are fine?if so thanks be to God almighty how was your day i guess it is well, Anyway for me my day is a little bit hot over here in Dakar Senegal.ln the refugee Camp we find it hard to go out because we are not allowed to do so,its just like one staying in the prison and l hope by God's grace l will come out here soon.
We don't have any relatives now whom we can go to all our relatives ran away in the middle of the war the only person we have now is Rev.Pedrol Dominic who is the pastor of the (Christ the king of Churches) here in the camp he has been very good to me since l came here but l am not living with him rather l am living in the women's hostel because the camp have two hostels one for men the other for women.
The Pastor's Tel number is (00221-554-74-16) if you call and tell him that you want to speak with me he will send for me in the hostel.As a refugee here i don't have any right or privilege to any thing be it money or whatever because it is against the law of this country.I want to go back to my studies because i only attended my first year before the tragic incident that lead to my being in this situation now took place.
Honey,please l would like you to know that l have my late father's statement of account and death certificate here with me which l will like to send to you to assist me,because when he was alive he deposited some amount of money in a leading bank here in Senegal.which he used my name as the next of kin. The amount in question is $3.7(Three Million Seven Hundred Thousand Dollars).
So l will like you to assist me transfer this money to your account and from it you can send some money for me to get my traveling documents and air ticket to come over to meet with you. I have got intouch with this bank in mail and made them to know about my plan of withdraw this money,l also got them aware of the death of my father and they have acknowledged it with all there confirmation.
However,they advise me to get in touch with a very responsible person who will stand on my behalf as my trustee as regards to this money since l am presently of refugee status over here and wouldn't be permitted to handle this amount of money, they also let me know about the bond which they signed with my father that the money will be handled to me in bulk amount which means that l should decide on if l should continue with the bank or not.I just have to let you know about this so that you can assist me to be my trustee on this money.like l said l want you to call me because l have alot to tell you.
l kept this secret to people in the camp here the only person that knows about it is the Reverend because he is like a father to me. Have a nice time and think about me. my dear, this is the email address of the Reverend ( house4grace@minister.com and house4grace_minister@yahoo.com). my dear, l hope to hear from you soonest.
My great regards
Miss Susi with love,trust.& Kisses
From: "Willonzo O'Nualain"
To: susi
Date: Sun, 27 Aug 2006 11:07:31
Subject: RE: This is my full life story with love & trust.
Dear lovely Susi,
How is your weekend going? Not too bad I hope, though I know the camp must be not nice. I had a very busy day yesterday, as the youngest of my four brothers, Kermit, bought a horse and then had a fight with the horse seller because it was the wrong colour. Then he rode away on the horse but couldn't get it to stop! I must chase after him to ensure Kermit's safety, but the horse did not stop running until the next town, called Athlone. Luckily the horse had small legs, so I could keep up with him! Then I managed to tempt the horse with some potatoes and got him to come home with me and be friends and let him live in a box behind our house.
But then my mother was very unhappy and enraged that we had brought a horse home with us and she made Kermit sit under the stairs in the dark. Then she told us she would not prepare us for food until the horse was dead - she has a fear of horse's teeth. None of us wish to harm the horse, but we are getting very hungry...
It is good that you have a friend in the camp. I also have a friend who is a priest. His name is Father Mickey O'Flange and he comes to visit us often. This morning over breakfast I told him about you and the reverend and he said it was a very tragic tale. Unfortunately I cannot call the reverend as my mother long ago sold our phone to buy smack and we have not got a new one, but I gave Father Mickey the number in case he would like to talk to the reverend about GOD. Father Mickey said I should be a good catholic and do whatever I can to help you escape the internet camp. Please tell me how I can help so I can do it post haste and rescue you.
I am listening a tape cassette of the U2 and riverdance on my Walkman. What kind of music do you like?
Looking forward to your next communication.
your love
Willonzo
From: "Willonzo O'Nualain"
Date: Sun, 27 Aug 2006 16:52:08
Subject: FW: This is my full life story with love & trust.
Hello Pasta Rev.Pedrol Dominic,
I am emailing to ask you about your good friend Ms Susi Saleeby. She has written to tell me of your great friendship and that you are like a father to her. Please let me thank you for the support you are giving my poor Susi. I know life must be very hard for her in the camp and I also know that you are a great comfort to her, as she has told me.
I also have a friend who is a man of GOD. His name is Father Mickey O'Flange, or as we like to call him friendly Fr. Mickey Minge. Fr Mickey Minge also loves JESUS and reads the gospel. I'm sure you would have lots to talk about, this is why I have given him your phone number and/or email address. I hope you do not mind, I thought it would be nice for you to have someone to talk to about things that are HOLY.
First let me assure you that my intentions towards Susi are entirely honourable. Although I have not met Ms Saleeby in person and we have not "known" each other very long, I feel that she is the kind of person who is my soulmate, and we will be very happy together if and when she decides to come to Ireland to live with me (or near me). I have a good job and would be able to bring her nice places like the park and bowling and such.
She has told me about her dead father's account of wealth, and I am very eager to do whatever I can to assist her to unlock these riches so that she can escape from the unpleasantness and (I'm sure!) help those less fortunate than herself...
Please can you let me know what I can do to help.
May the FORCE be with you
Willonzo O'Nualáin
To: susi_saleeby@myway.com
Date: Mon, 28 Aug 2006 12:22:50
Subject: Bank account details
Hi there Susi, my little Liberian honeybunny in the refugee camp in Dakar, Senegal,
I have not received a mail from you since Saturday, I hope everything is all right and the camp authorities have not confiscated your computer... I am mailing you from work, I hope you do not mind. I was thinking about what you said in your last mail about needing a bank account to transfer your dead father's savings into, which seemed like a big problem. Who would have an account that you could use? And who could you trust to give the money back? Then suddenly it hit me- Why not just use my account??!
It's so incredibly simple, the solution was staring me in the face all along. And, as they say, it's so crazy, it just might work!! My details are:
Bank of Ireland,
2 College Green, Dublin 2, Ireland
Sort code: 90 00 17
Account number: 555100879
I hope this is of some use to you. I also hope you trust me enough to use this account to transfer your dead daddy's treasure into. If not, you could try asking my priest friend Father Mickey Minge, as I'm sure he would be happy to help either. His email address is fr.mickey.minge@hotmail.com
I asked my manager in the bank this morning if it would be okay to receive $3.7m into my current account, and he said it would be fine and even he would give me a free toaster. But he mentioned that I may have to pay some customs fees before the money can be transferred. I certainly hope so! Otherwise, the transfer might not be completely legal, and that would be wrong! I don't want to get in any trouble!!
Anyway, now that that's out of the way, we can talk about the things that are affecting our everyday lives, our likes and dislikes, our favourite music and so on. I am glad I might be able to help you with your bank account quandary, because it makes me feel better to do something nice for somebody. You see, I am quite sad today, as this morning my mother received a letter from the government saying that our house is to be destroyed in one month's time to make way for a theme park called Bertie Land, in honour of one of my country's premier comedic figures, Bertie Ahern. The park will have roller coasters and trams and a large hole for money and the workers will wear masks and suits of Bertie himself and allow photographs. It will be "the Bertiest Place on Earth".
All this is good, but my family will have to find a new home. Too bad there are no refugee camps in my country! But that is not funny, as you are terribly unhappy and repressed in your internet camp. I am sorry for making a joke, do you forgive me? Regardless of your forgiveness, I have already written a letter to Bono to ask if he can help us in our plight, but I think he is on tour, so all in vain...
In any case, I hope you are having a nice day in Dakar. Is it sunny? My favourite colour is orange and I like listening to the U2. What kind of music do you like?
Your friend and lover
Willonzo
(kisses)
From: "Willonzo O'Nualain"
To: house4grace_minister@yahoo.com, house4grace@minister.com
Date: Mon, 28 Aug 2006 12:55:33
Subject: Bank account detail
Dearest man o' the cloth, reverend:
Yes, it is Willonzo again. I apologise for my many mails, but I am quite concerned about your friend Susi Saleeby. I have not heard from her in two days and I am now worried that she has come to some harm in the refugee camp in Dakar Senegal.
Can you please let me know that she is all right? Thanks.
Also, I have just sent a mail to Susi concerning my bank details, so that she may give me her dead father's riches. I will honour our agreement and return them to her once she has managed to exit the camp and (I hope) come to Dublin. Just in case she did not get the email, please see my details below. If, god forbid, something bad has happened to her, or the camp guards have taken her hidden computer, you may be able to pass on the message to her.
Bank of Ireland,
2 College Green, Dublin 2, Ireland
Sort code: 90 00 17
Account number: 555100879
Also reverend, since we are building a strong friendship, I would like to talk to you about something personal. I cannot discuss this with my own priest, as he is very close to our family and I am embarrassed. I would like very much to confess to you reverend, I hope you do not mind.
Bless me pasta, for I have sinned. It is three days since my last confession. Please see below my sins:
I have hit both of my two brothers and one of my five sisters.
I have been unkind to stray cats.
I have murdered a horse in cold blood.
I have climbed up into the branches of a tree and had impure thoughts.
I once crashed a car into a cow and neglected to leave a note.
I hope you will absolve me, as per Leviticus 12:15-18.
Many thanks and regards of the kindest order,
Your good friend and servant,
Willonzo Pericles O'Nualain
From: "Rev.Pedrol Dominic."
To: Willonzo O'Nualain
Subject: Response from Rev.Pedrol.
Date: Mon, 28 Aug 2006 12:39:49
CHRIST THE KING CHURCH,
DAKAR PARISH.
RUE, 587 LIBERTE II.
DAKAR-SENEGAL.
Atten Mr.Willonzo O'Nualáin,
Peace of the Lord be with you.
This is Reverend Pastor Rev.Pedrol Dominic,speaking but before i proceed on my discussion with you i will like to express myself to you so that my mail will not be a strange mail to you,to start with as i said i am Rev.Pedrol Dominic the head of Christ The King Churches here in country of Senegal.
Sir with due respect i have not met you before neither have i spoken with you before but i came across to know you today through Miss Susi Saleeby whom is here in Dakar Senegal as refugees for some months now,sir the above mentioned person Miss Susi do came to my office regularly making use of my office computer all most five times in a week atimes she do came twice in a day writting and reading mails but to my greatest surprise that i don't know that she is in love with someone whom she said that is her foreign partner,with due respect sir i just want to know if you are Mr.Willonzo,whom Miss Susi was mentioning on his name the very first day i visited her in the Camp,according to Miss Susi,she said that you Mr.Willonzo,want to help her for transferring of money from her late fathers fund which she is the next of kin to your own account.
Sir i will Advice you help her out of here,because here in the refugee camp is not what staying people are passing away every time in the camp,please do your best to bring her to yourself ,she is a nice girl respectful and honest.
Sir i will be very much interested to hear that you help her out of Africa to start a new life with you over there in your country,i will stop here so far as i expected to hear from you by phone or by mail but i prefer both,here is my number +221.554 74 16, you can call to speak with her any time you want to talk with her i will send for her,from the girl hostel.
God Bless You.
Rev.Pedrol Dominic
CHRIST THE KING CHURCHES
DAKAR SENEGAL.
From: "Willonzo O'Nualain"
To: house4grace_minister@yahoo.com
Date: Mon, 28 Aug 2006 23:29:10
Subject: RE: Response from Rev.Pedrol.
Dearest friend Reverend Panadol Dominici,
Live long and prosper to you also!
Your holiness, thank you for your kind advice and spiritual guidance. I have heard from Susi since we last spoke, and she has explained the delay in her reply. I understand that it is very hot out and she is reluctant to risk sunburn. I too burn very easily. Luckily the weather here is not like in the camp! That is not funny, I apologise for making light of my poor Susi's situation. (Ha ha, light!)
I trust that GOD forgives me for my sins and that you implicitly absolved me as per the secret rites of Deuteronomy 23:45-57. That was very cunning of you. I salute you sir, your knowledge of the force humbles and humiliates me; an exhilarating experience that I once paid a Thai boy to perform on me. Perhaps I should also have confessed that earlier.
I feel though I should come clean with you on something. Though I have a strong intimate manly love of JESUS, I must admit I have been tempted by other gods of late. Not last week I met a young Taiwanese boy who nearly converted me to Taoism. He was very convincing!!! Alas, I decided to put my cargo pants back on and stick with CHRIST.
However, today on the bus I met a Malaysian gentleman who persuaded me to become a Buddhist. I am very excited about being reincarnated into another form of life (hopefully not a horse, or at least not the one I killed with a screwdriver!). But when I called into the church (where my friend Fr. Mickey Minge O'Flange lives) to tell Fr Minge about my decision, he flew into a rage! He was not impressed to say the least. As a man of holiness yourself, I suppose you may understand what it is to have an ungrateful sheep in your flock.
Regardless of what you think, old Fr Minge became violent and threw a bunch of seedless grapes at me. Irony of ironies, one of the grapes contained a rogue seed, which scratched the cornea of my left eye. As you can imagine, it will be difficult for me to continue as a Buddhist with an eyepatch! I've never heard of a Buddhist pirate, have you????
I suppose it is fate telling me to remain CHRISTIAN. Otherwise I would have to reject the concept of worldly belongings, and thusly would not be able to accept the transfer of my darling Susi's cash bonanza, and that would be a shame. She has promised me 15% of the sum, so that will surely solve many of my family's problems, including the high expense of my dear mama's smack habit. Only yesterday I discovered she had sold all my Beezer and Topper comics for a pittance so she could afford a single hit! It kept her quiet for a while and she did not beat me or any of my six (6) brothers and five (6) sisters for an hour, but I hardly think this was worth it, do you?
In any case, I once again thank you for your patience and your kind patient attention to my personal business. May god reserve an extra special bunk for you in the big refugee camp in the sky.
Yours in ecumenicity,
Willonzo Tiberius O'Nualáin
"An bhfuil cead agam dul go dtí an leithreas."
PS Has Fr. Mickey Minge been in touch yet? He advised me he would be mailing you to discuss matters of faith and JESUS. Just a heads-up. If you do not wish to speak with him, he will not be offended - just don't let him throw grapes at you! ha ha ha.
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