Subject: Tragedy has struck
Date: Fri, 01 Sep 2006 11:26:43
Yo holmes
My darling Susi, I am so very tired this morning. I got home from my secret mission at 7am - barely leaving enough time for me to scrub myself with Brillo pads and put on my very smart uniform for work in the Irish bank in Ireland. The uniform consists of black patent leather shoes (x2), black patent leather pantaloons (x1), black armour-plated shirt/blouse with rhinestone detailing (x3), feline face mask (x1), neon yellow rain hat (x1), fluffy rabbit ears (x2).
It is now time to come clean and tell you where I went last night: concerned that I do not have sufficient funds to pay our solicitor, I went to see if I could donate some blood in exchange for modest remuneration. I met the "doctor" in the alley behind the Pen Palace on Dame Street (they have a wonderful selection of pens, one so clearly in love with the written word such as yourself will have a splendid time browsing their shelves). I asked him to leave me enough blood to make it home, but he took too much and I lost consciousness, falling forward onto my modestly pretty face and breaking my left front incisor tooth! Even worse, while I was sleeping, some unscrupulous individual relieved me of my Walkman and my favourite the U2 tape cassette! Disaster!
To add insult to injury, the physician neglected to leave my payment. I will not pursue him on this matter, as I'm sure this was an honest mistake. So here I am penniless and with a broken tooth and none of my favourite music to show for my efforts...
But fear not, payday for me is not far off, and I will endeavour to raise the money in other ways. We will yet have our moment in the sun! (It is cloudy here today, how is the weather in Dakar Senegal?)
Your friend who is still very interested in what crazy crap is going to happen next,
Willonzo
(kiss, kiss) (kiss, hug, kiss, quick feel, kiss) (kiss goodbye) (firm handshake, walk away, look over shoulder, smile and wave) (Walk into sunset to melancholy musical accompaniment.)
Subject: RE: Legal charges
Date: Fri, 01 Sep 2006 11:49:13
Dear sir/madam
Many thanks for your prompt response. However, there is a problem: I do not at present have the moolah to pay for your expert services.
I would ask you however to PLEASE GO AHEAD WITH THE LEGAL SERVICES and I will provide payment at a later date - plus a little extra. Like the sound of that? We'll keep it strictly between the two of us, no one else needs to know. If you will not do it for me, will you do it for my darling "wife"? Please see attached picture of she and I on our "special day".
Please advice of your decision asap.
Your sweetheart
Willonzo
Subject: RE: Legal charges
Date: Fri, 1 Sep 2006 16:50:04
ATTENTION MR.WILLONZO TERRABYTE O'NUALAINI CAN ONLY ACCEPT TO REMOVE MY LEGAL CHARGE BUT WILL NOT WORK WITHOUT RECEIVING US$2450 FROM YOU WHICH STANDS FOR THE COURT LEVY/FEES AS I EXPLAINED PREVIOUSLY.
THANKS.
YOURS SINCERELY
ABDULLAHI DJALLO
AMDYCHAMBERS,
DAKAR-SENEGAL.
Subject: RE: Legal charges
Date: Fri, 01 Sep 2006 21:23:08
Dude... What's the matter with you man, you used to be cool. Now it's all, I want my money or I won't help. You've changed man.
I WILL TRANSFER THE CASH ASAP. PLEASE CHECK YOUR ACCOUNT TO CONFIRM RECEIPT.
MANY THANKS
WILLONZO T O'NUALAIN
Subject: Fr Mickey Minge and the Mystery of the Inter-Faith Emergency
Date: Fri, 01 Sep 2006 21:00:31
Peace be upon the prophet, my brother Rev Pedo;
Yes, it is I once more, Fr. Minge. To commence, let me offer my heartfelt thanks for your beautiful affecting message. Unfortunately, the body of the message contained within the attached jpg pictures would not appear on my magic computer box screen. So I have no idea what it said. Something about god I would assume, and indeed: Aren't ALL things about GOD?? Also, please excuse my late reply, as I have just returned from an alter boys outing, a trip to Bangkok - an excursion that was most overdue, it is high time my young friends learnt about the Miracle of the Virgin Ladyboy.
Anyway, shut up and listen for I have an urgent situation on my hands. In my absence, my gorgeous young protégé Willonzo has agreed to marry your skanky bit of fluff Susi. Honestly! I can't leave them alone for five minutes!! In any case, I'm sure you'll agree that such a union would be an abomination in the eyes of god. Yes, I'm happy that we agree on this point.
Therefore, I would much appreciate it if you would make efforts to dissuade Susi from taking the "plunge" on your end, and I will put pressure on Willonzo's end. Thusly shall we forestall the inevitable birth of the anti-christ and delay judgement day for yet another year. And as I'm sure I don't need to point out to you of all men, as it says in the GOOD BOOK:-
1. Preheat oven to 250 degrees F (120 degrees C). Grease one baking sheet.
2. In a mixing bowl, whip together the egg white and water until frothy. In a separate bowl, mix together sugar, salt, and cinnamon.
3. Add pecans to egg whites, stir to coat the nuts evenly. Remove the nuts, and toss them in the sugar mixture until coated. Spread the nuts out on the prepared baking sheet.
4. Bake at 250 degrees F (120 degrees C) for 1 hour. Stir every 15 minutes.
As relevant in the current times as it was in 1982. May god help us to coat our nuts evenly.
In sincere admiration and abject impotence (that Bangkok trip was a waste),
Fr. Michael "Minge" "Mingie" O'Flange
Subject: ONE DAY AT A TIME
Date: Fri, 01 Sep 2006 22:23:19
Pleasant evening my dearest Susi, how's it hangin', sugar bumps?
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you hungry? Are you mad? Are you looking at a shooting star, making a wish? Or sitting on a bush pig, eating a fish? These are the things I would most like to know. Because you are my favourite, even better than Joe.
Another hard day for your handsome little soldier Willonzo. I decided this morning to set up a fun-run to raise money for the lawyer. Phew! What hard work! I did not expect the organisation of a marathon with five thousand participants to be such a headache. As it turned out, there were only three people willing to partake in the fun-run, and only I managed to get sponsored.
The trouble arose when, while running past Tower Records, I accidentally inhaled some roasted peanuts, resulting in mild anaphylactic shock. I began breathing heavily through the new gap in my clenched teeth (no, the gap doesn't make me a better singer, I already checked!) and this produced an intermittent, high-pitched whistling whistle sort of sound.
By the time I heard the dogs coming, I was already on the ground. There were somewhere between ten (10) and 50 (fifty) of them, but curiously they were all cocker spaniels, according to the account of a bystander. The dogs then proceeded to eat my t-shirt and shorts, leaving me bereft of all clothing on Wicklow Street! And all this for only EUR2.50 in sponsorship money!
This was not a stellar result for my fund raising efforts. Where will I find the liquidity to rescue you from the refugee camp in Dakar Senegal if I am unable to raise the funds?? So disappointed and dejected was I by my failure that I decided to hire a heli-taxi home and ate an entire tub of caviar flavoured ice cream topped with gold foil and Faberge eggs.
But fear not my sweet lovely one, love always finds a way. In other news, Fr. Minge has been acting very strangely since he came back from his holiday. I found him this evening sitting in the bottom of my wardrobe with a torch and a scrapbook full of pictures of Jonathan Rhys Meyers. He was very upset when I came upon him and began shouting at me.
He thinks that our wedding will be a portent of the End Times. Or something. Presently he looked out the window and saw a goat, which he claimed was "the rough goat, the king of Grecia, and the great horn that is between his eyes is the first king". But we later found out that it was my youngest brother Wankface dressed in a wet-suit.
Anyway, I am tired and my hands are still bleeding from where the dogs savaged me earlier, so I will go and leave you alone to do the things you do in the camp. What are those fictional things, I wonder. Perhaps I shall never know my sweet, and perhaps that is for the best, as I get bored very easily.
Night night, don't let the camp guard dogs bite (ha ha)
Willonzo
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