Subject: RE: please honey contact the bank
Date: Tue, 29 Aug 2006 16:54:57
Susi,
I was so caught off guard by you popping the question that I forgot the most important thing!! I got a mail from the bank this morning saying that I need to supply them with some things... Here's the words what they electronically poked in my direction:
Be informed that before we can effect further transfer, we need to receive to the following proofs from you to prove that you have been mandated by his next of kin (Mss.Susi Saleeby).
(1) Forward a scaned copy of your identity.
(2) Present the last written WILL of late Dr.Elie E. Saleeby.
(3) Letter of probate from the high court of Dakar-Senegal.
(4) A copy of Dr.Elie Saleeby`s certified death certificate.
(5) A power of attorney signed/notorised by a Senegal based lawyer to empower to represent her.
(6) Present a sworn affidavit of oat/support from high court of Senegal.
Is that it my darling? Is that the end of our beautiful dream? Are we well and truly up shite creek?? I don't have Dr Saleeby's WILL and I sure as hell can't get a letter of prostate from a Dakar high court!
Can you please advise if you can supply me with these documents? Otherwise I will not be able to take possession of all that lovely lovely cash and that would be sad.
Willonzo
PS Also, meant to say: "One love keep us together"? I knew you liked the U2! (Though you got the lyrics a bit wrong. Don't worry, I'll buy you the album when you get here.)
Subject: RE: Fund Release Requirements - ATTN Mr.Omar Ndiaye
Date: Tue, 29 Aug 2006 23:26:24
Hi,
Your honour Mr.Omar Ndiaye, guardian of the hidden treasure of the sierra madre: Please allow me to be so highly privileged as to address you as an equal, although I am but a lowly speck of dust in comparison to your impressive countenance and physique (do you work out? it really shows).
Something truly wonderful has happened in my life - I have fallen deeply in love with a girl I have "known" for only a short time and at great distance, no mean feat I'm sure you will agree! And not only that, but this wondrous angel sent to me from the fluffiest clouds in all of the kingdom of Hades has agreed to be my lawfully wedded WIFE.
Yes, we are to be MARRIED. And who is this comely maiden of whom I speak? Who is the thief who has snuck into my thorax via the interweb and stolen my heart? I think maybe you know... Yes, you have guessed correctly; it is none other than SUSI SALEEBY. She is my blushing BRIDE-to-be.
Can you please advise if there is some way to CUT THROUGH all this bureaucratic RED TAPE? Is there anything I can do? I want nothing more than for our love that has been born across the continents to flourish, and this cannot occur without your assistance, sir. Your eminence, I am in your service - what can be done?
Please respond as soon as is possible, I fear my heart cannot stand such prolonged torment much longer. In the words of the great Bono:
You say you want
Diamonds on a ring of gold
You say you want
Your story to remain untold
But all the promises we make
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you.
Your are spectacular.
Many thanks and may flights of angels speed you to your rest on a chariot made entirely of swiss rolls and lasagne,
Willonzo T O'Nualáin
Subject: RE: please honey contact the bank
Date: Tue, 29 Aug 2006 23:46:25
Susi my love,
Googlee goolee chooga prang tic tic!
Don't worry though, I do not think you are with child! By now you will have read my impassioned plea to the manager dude at the bank. I only hope he will hear my request and help us to be together. And what man could not?? He would have to have a heart of stone not to be touched by my words of love and hunger (sometimes thirst also).
Please let me know if you have any further ideas of what I can do to help you etc. (This is turning out to be a fulltime job, better be worth it, what? With my luck you'll turn out to be a complete minger, ha ha! No, I am joking of course.)
Meanwhile, I am happy this evening as I have eaten a full meal for the first time in a week (besides horse). My mama emerged from her smack induced coma long enough to prepare for us a dish of moomen porgs. This is Irish for sheep ears marinated and filled with baby roast potatoes. It is a delicacy in Ireland and very delicious. Perhaps we shall serve it at our wedding? It is a very nutritious meal and also good for vegetarians, as the sheep is not killed. However, we have a problem with deaf sheep being injured as they cannot hear the combine harvesters coming. That is sad, but their ears are delicious!
Anyway, enough about that load of crap, I'm listening to Judas Priest right now... No, I was only joking again, I am listening to the U2 as always! What kind of music do you like?
Now it is time for Mr Snuggle Bunny to climb the little wooden hill to Bed-fordshire... I hope you are having a pleasant evening in your women's prison/hostel in the refugee camp in Dakar Senegal.
Your best best best ever friend for life,
Willonzo
(kisses x 5) (The x was not a kiss, but a multiplication sign. -x) (That last x was a kiss. So that's 6 in all. It better be enough, because I have run out. Maybe I will find some more tomorrow.)
Subject: Plight of refugees in Senegal
Date: Wed, 30 Aug 2006 00:14:39
Howaya Susi, ya all righ'?
I know yiz know me already, but I'm gonna introduce meself in anyways, wha'? Me name's Bono and I'm da lead singer in a band called da U2. I know ye've probly got all me albums like, but I'm only bein polite, ya know wha' I mean?
So I'm emailin ya coz like I got dis letter in da post from dis bloke says he's a friend a yours, and he was whingin about his house bein fuckin knocked down wha? But I told him like, there's nothin yiz can do bud, dat's da way it is like. But also like, he was tellin me about dis burd what is in a refugee camp in Africa or somewhere like dat where da streets have no name and she can't go out to da shops or nothin like and it's terrible ya know.
Thing is like, da band is tryin to find somewhere for a big massive fuckin gig in Africa so's we can show dat George Bush prick what's wha, ya know. But up till last week I was sayin I still haven't found what I'm lookin for. But den yer man wrote me da bleedin letter and dat's like me prayers bein answered dat is. I know dat yiz might be gone out a da camp by da time we play da gig, but we're gonna do it with or without you and bullet da blue sky, ya know wha' I mean. Da problem is though dat little bollix Larry Mullen doesn't want to go coz he's just after buyin one a dem treadmills ya know? I don't see da point of it like, he's only runnin to stand still.
So anyway like, I'm goin to get on to el presidente of Senegal or whatever da fuck he is and tell him to let us do da gig in Dakar. What's it like in anyways, some kind a red hill mining town? As long as it's in god's country it'll be grand though wha? Lerrus know where da camp is and I'll get The Edge to start packin his fuckin hats.
So listen, I'm gonna trip through your wires and go to the oul one tree hill and make an exit.
Paul Bono Hewson (from da U2)
on behalf of mothers of the disappeared.
Subject: Be warned
Date: Wed, 30 Aug 2006 15:06:19
Bank Of Africa Senegal(BOASE)
39,Av.Leopold Sedar Senghor,
Dakar Senegal.West Africa.
Tel: 00 221 466 2471
Fax: 00 221 892 4845
Attn:Mr.Willonzo O'Nualain
This is to inform you that we are still waiting for you to forward us the required documents, kindly send them by email attachment so that we can proceed. Note that you should not respond to any instruction that does not come through this very email address for your own security and safety, our former email(Info_boase@accountant.com) has been burged by
the mail hackers, therefore if you reply to any message from it, you stand the risk of loosing your funds. Do not sayd that you were not warned, please be warned.
Thanks.
Yours faithfully,
Mr.Omar Ndiaye.
Foreign operations & International Remittance Dept.
(Bank of Africa Senegal,Dakar-Senegal)
Subject: There will be solution
Date: Wed, 30 Aug 2006 18:17:02
Hello sweet honey,
I am glad to read your mails and to see that the Bank has responded to your mail on time to God be the glory.Meanwhile i have go through the mail you received from the bank i understand that they need a proof from your side to be sure that i am the person that ask you to make the claim on my behalf as my representative.To me i though they are only going to ask for the WILL and the death certificate of my Late father i never know that they will need other Documents for for the claim and transfer of this money,and i only have with me my late father death certificate and the WILL.i did not have the rest documents they need from the high court that will required a Senegalaise Lawyer,getting a Lawyer that means we have to higher one to help us get the rest documents for the fund to be release and transfer to your account as soon as possible this will cost us money because we have to pay for the Lawyer we have to higher to perfact this work,Honey please you will help me for this so that this money can be release on time & transfer to your possession.
Anyway i did not know what else to do i have discuess it with my Revrend,he said in a situation like this we need a good Lawyer that will stand on your behalf to handle this transaction as your representative here in the Bank of senegal he said he help us to get a good Lawyer that will not cost us much,please honey your Assistant will be needed in the area of highering a lawyer to get this job done.
As soon as my Revrend give me the contact of a Lawyer i will send it to you so that you can contact him to know how he is going to how much it will cost him to get the docmuents from the high court of Senegal.
I will get back to you as soon as possible.
My great regards
Miss Susi with love & trust.
Subject: please honey contact our Lawyer
Date: Wed, 30 Aug 2006 18:54:23
My Sweet Heart ,
I am back again honey,thanks for your ability to help me transfer the money to your position pending my arrival to meet with you and l want you to promise me that you will not disappoint me and myself l am promising you that l will not disappoint you as well. now about the request the bank needs from us i have with me the WILL and the Deposit certificate with me which i will scan and send it to you can send it to the bank and tell them that your representative Attorney will submit to them the original copy of it with the other necessary documents they need.So i will give to the lawyer when he agrees to help us the original copy of this documents with me so he can submit it to bank if need be along with the other required documents that he is going to help us to get from the high court here in senegal.
Like as i told you before that i did not have an alternative l told the Reverend about it and he promise to help us get a good Lawyer he gave me the contact of this lawyer below,he is a registered lawyer also a member in(Senegalaise Bar Association) who will help in preparing the documents for us. Please l will like you to contact him through email and phone today,when you contact him, tell him that you are my husband and you want him to prepare a Letter and also get the affidavit of oath/support from high court here in Dakar-Senegal and that he will do it in your name to enable the transfer of my (Late) father's ACCOUNT in Bank Of Africa Senegal(BOASE).to your account in Your country.
This is the contact information of the Lawyer
AMDYCHAMBERS DAKAR - SENEGAL
121 Fenetre Mermoz, Ouakam Dakar, Senegal.
Direct Phone: 00 221 431 27-51
Principal partner: Barrister Abdullahi Djallo
So, l will like you to contact him for the preparation of the power of attorney.
Please try and contact me when you are in contact with him and let me know if he agrees to help us! Please l will like you to first of all get the money transffered and from it you can send some money for me to prepare my documents for my coming to meet with you.From my deepest heart,
Yours forever in Love,
Miss Susi With love & trust.
Subject: RE: please honey contact our Lawyer
Date: Wed, 30 Aug 2006 19:56:03
Susi Susi Susi
She a pretty girl
Who like to eat sushi
She go down the pub
But never get boozie
She chaste like a nun
Coz she no floozie
I just love the smell
Of her numbers one through twosies
All the fellas say
Aint she just a doozy?
Do you like the sonnet I wrote for you my love? I'm thinking of calling the song Elektrik Fukpig. I am going to mail it to Bono to see if he will put it to music and sing it at the big giant massive rock concert that he will definitely be playing at your refugee camp in Dakar Senegal in the very near future. I would really like to see the camp, I'm sure it can't be as bad as you say. You just have to look on the bright side. I've been to Mosney several times, I know what I'm talking about here...
Anyway, I am glad that all is not lost and we can continue with our scam for a little bit longer. Needless to say I WILL CONTACT THE LAWYER IMMEDIATELY, though unfortunately I still do not have access to a phone, so I will have to email him/her. As you know, my old phone was sold by my mother to get herself smacked up good and proper. I did go out at the weekend to buy a brand shiny new phone for the house, but what happened was both quite hilariously amusing and tragic.
I had just plugged the new phone into the wall, when (unbeknownst to me of course) my youngest sister Clamidia packed the mouthpiece with explosives. Ha ha, she is only three, so she did not know any better. Then my youngest brother Fozzy-bollix answered the ringing phone only to find his teeth had been blown out the side of his head. Ha ha. He will need years of dental work to correct it. On the downside though, the phone was rendered inoperable.
So I will still need to wait a bit longer to hear your angelically masculine voice threatening me for money. Ah well... I will leave you with a question that has been niggling at me all afternoon: What kind of music do you like?
End transmission!
Willonzo
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