Subject: help please
Date: Wed, 30 Aug 2006 20:32:19
Attention lawyer head:
Is this Amdy Chambers of 121 Fenetre Mermoz, Ouakam Dakar, Senegal? Principal partner in the firm of Barrister Abdullahi Djallo? It is? I can't believe my luck! (Chill dude, play it cool. Poker face.) Ahem.
Make sure you heed well what I am about to say to you as your career and possibly your life will depend on it. Are you listening/sitting comfortably? Good, then I shall begin. (Do not fidget or I will find another Senegalese lawyer, they must be ten a penny, especially in Senegal.)
I am currently in the process of trying to assume control of the assets of the dead pops of my "Wife". Her name is SUSI SALEEBY (CC'd above - hi Susi! xxx) and her father was Dr. ELIE SALEEBY (I think he was some kind of chiropodist, but she won't tell me. I think it's a touchy subject, so don't ask.) Dr. Saleeby was head of the Central Bank of Liberia.
The good people at Bank of Africa Senegal (nominally Omar Ndiaye - not sure how you pronounce that one) have advised that they require the following:
(1) Forward a scaned copy of your identity.
(2) Present the last written WILL of late Dr.Elie E. Saleeby.
(3) Letter of probate from the high court of Dakar-Senegal.
(4) A copy of Dr.Elie Saleeby`s certified death certificate.
(5) A power of attorney signed/notorised by a Senegal based lawyer to empower to represent her.
(6) Present a sworn affidavit of oat/support from high court of Senegal.
Now, even though I was born in international waters and me oul' fellah wanted to keep me off the books altogether, I will probably be able to knock out some ID. My good "lady" "wife" (i.e. Miss Susi Saleeby - hey baby) can produce the afore mentioned fictional WILL and DEATH CERT of dead daddy Dr Saleeby.
All of which means, I need you to provide:
(3) Letter of probate from the high court of Dakar-Senegal.
(5) A power of attorney signed/notorised by a Senegal based lawyer to empower to represent her.
(6) Present a sworn affidavit of oat/support from high court of Senegal.
So whatdya say? Can you do it? Or are ya just chicken? Buck buck buck ba-caawk! Now suck it up and get to work or I guarantee you'll find yourself on the SIBERIAN FRONT by the end of the week.
Please advise of any fees/charges that we (I) may need to pay for the above services.
Willonzo Terrabyte O'Nualáin
former personal assistant to Derek Davis
Subject: RE: (A beautiful message)...
Date: Wed, 30 Aug 2006 21:03:27
Reverend Anadin, oh holy man of the jungle,
Firstly, thanks so much for the beautiful message. Is God still on the throne today? I hope not, but if so perhaps he should try Senecot, or if he is in the States, Ex-Lax.
Secondly, I would also like to thank you for assisting Miss Susi in finding a good, honest lawyer - a fine upstanding pillar of the community no doubt, who has probably worked with you in the past protecting orphans from the vicious refugee camp laws of Senegal - to help us with our money problems in Africa. Will I ever be relieved when all that lovely filthy money is in my account and I can pay for the new iPod I bought today? And the Nissan Micra I bought yesterday?
The other thing I wanted to confide in you is somewhat sensitive. She said in her last mail to me, and I quote:
"l want you to promise me that you will not disappoint me".
I was not a strong enough man to make such a promise. Oh sure, I will be able to contact the lawyer and play the game of the pretence of paying fees and so on, but I am more worried about what happens when Susi comes to Dublin... You see I will disappoint my darling Susi in the bedroom or "sack" as I fear I may not be sufficiently aroused by the female ladies. You see, I am sexually attracted to rodents and other small mammals.
Don't get me wrong, I love Miss Susi more than cheese and biscuits, but I just don't think I'll be able to get "it" up without having a squirrel or hamster nearby for stimulation. Will Miss Susi be into this? If so, do you think it would be too much for me to ask her to bring a monkey with her when she comes to Dublin? Preferably a ring-tailed lemur or marmoset. If neither is available, I will settle for a small (baby) chimp.
Your kind attention is much appreciated;
All hail the dark lord
Willonzo
Subject: Response from Rev.Dominic.
Date: Thu, 31 Aug 2006 15:08:13
CHRIST THE KING CHURCH,
DAKAR PARISH.
RUE, 587 LIBERTE II.
DAKAR-SENEGAL. Peace of the Lord be with you,
My Dear friend sorry for the delay to respond to your mail, As you can see i am very busy person,so attend to a lot of people,so i will adivce you to kindly assist the yonge Lady out of the Camp to bring her to your country to start a new life with her inherritance.that is all she need you to do for her,mind you please don't tell her that you will disappoint her in any area 'Cos i 've to tell you this if she get to know that you will disappoint her in anyway she will just kill herself has she is really inlove with you always talking about you every time she come to my office.
So please I will be very glad to see that you really help her our of Africa,God will continuel to guide your steps as you do that to your fellow human beings. Thank you brother Willonzo To God be the Glory Amen.
Jesus is LORD!!!.
Rev.Pedrol Dominic.
Subject: Acknowledged
Date: Wed, 30 Aug 2006 23:13:44
Attention Mr.Willonzo Terrabyte O'Nualáin.
Inrespect to your request for my legal service, an inquiry mail has been forwarded to the customer's service Bank of Africa Senegal to kindly confirm validity of your claim before i can consider your offer, after which i shall present to you my compulsory legal charges and how you should pay to me directly as soon as i confirm from the bank of Africa Senegal unfailingly by tomorrow morning.
I'm looking forward to hearing more from you soon, thank you.
Yours sincerely,
Abdullahi Djallo(Esq)
AMDYCHAMBERS SENEGAL.
Fenetre Mermoz,Quakam,
Dakar – Senegal
Subject: RE: Acknowledged
Date: Thu, 31 Aug 2006 12:08:34
Dear Amdy J Chambers III esquire:
Many thanks for your confirmation of my plea for help. I am concerned though for your well-being... Still in the office after 11pm? This cannot be healthy sir! And we need you to be in top form for these important legal wanglings. I understand that your employer may be pressuring you into working these late hours. Please direct him to the following website for valuable work/life balance training and information.
Otherwise, keep up the good work!
Willonzo darling
Subject: Legal charges
Date: Thu, 31 Aug 2006 13:49:50
ATTENTION MR.WILLONZO TERRABYTE O'NUALAIN
SEQUEL TO YOUR MAIL REQUEST, THE BANK OF AFRICA SENEGAL HAVE CONFIRMED THE VALIDITY OF THE SAID ACCOUNT AND CLAIMS. THEREFORE I HAVE AGREED TO ASSIST YOU SECURE ALL THE REQUIRED DOCUMENTS SUCH AS POWER OF ATTORNEY, SWORN AFFIDAVIT AND PROBATE LETTER. AS FOLLOWS ARE THE NEEDFULS FROM YOUR SIDE TO ENABLE ME DRAFT THE POWER OF ATTORNEY IN YOUR FAVOUR.
1" SCANED COPY OF YOUR NATIONAL IDENTITY
2" FORWARD YOUR CURRENT PHONE AND CONTACT ADDRESS
TO SECURE THE ABOVE MENTIONED DOCUMENTS, WILL COST YOU AN EQUIVALENT OF US$2,450(TWO THOUSAND FOUR HUNDRED AND FIFITY USD) WHILE MY LEGAL FEE IS US$300 ONLY. FOLLOWING THE FACT THAT I SHALL NEED TO OBTAIN SIGNATORY OF THE NOTARY OFFICER, AN AUTHORISATION FROM THE PROBATE REGISTRA AS WELL AS THE COMMISSIONER FOR OAT AT THE HIGH COURT OF JUSTICE IN DAKAR. INCLUDING SOME MINOR COURT FEES UPON EACH OF THEM. I'M SURE YOU MUST HAVE BEEN AWARE OF THIS INFORMATION BY NOW.
READ THIS MAIL CAREFULLY SO THAT YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND ME BETTER, ENDEAVOUR TO SEND DIRECT TO ME A TOTAL SUM OF US$2,750 FOR A LEGAL ACTION TO COMMENCE ON YOUR BEHALF AT THE COURT OF SENEGAL ON THE NAME OF MY PERSON SECRETARY THROUGH WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER IMMEDIATELY, HER NAME AND THE DETAILS NEEDED BY WESTERN UNION TO SEND OR RECEIVE MONEY FROM ANY PART OF THE WORLD ARE STATED AS FOLLOWS.
Name; Miss Faith Omagbon Osemwonyemwen
Address; 45 harmo grand yoff, Dakar Senegal.
Phone; + 221 557 10 26
ThEN FORWARD DIRECT TO ME THIS 3 INFORMATION WRITTEN BELOW SO THAT SHE CAN ASSIST ME CASH THE MONEY FROMTHE WESTERN UNION OVER HERE.
1) The control numbers
2) The test question and answer
3) The name and address of the sender
I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOONEST, BE AWARE THAT IT WILL TAKE ME MAXIMUM OF 2DAYS TO PRODUCE THESE DOCUMENTS IF I CAN RECEICE THE ABOVE SUM/CHARGES FROM YOU BETWEEN NOW AND TOMORROW. THANKS.
YOURS SINCERELY
ABDULLAHI DJALLO
AMDYCHAMBERS,DAKAR-SENEGAL.
Subject: Thanks for your concern about me.
Date: Thu, 31 Aug 2006 15:31:20
Hello honey,
How are you today?
I guess it is well if so thanks be to God almighty.Honey i am aways happy reading your mail you are just too funny you make me loungh all the time when reading your mail is really a great thing knowing you,infact through at the night i was thinking of you after reading your mail i lough! lough!! lough!!! very funny guy i love oyu Man you win my heart that is great,thanks for your concern about me.
The music i like is Jaz,Rap,Blues it keeps me happy any time i am listting to it.
Meanwhile i saw the message you send to the Lawyer you are just too funny,what did you ask him?like you said so what dya Say?can you do it?or are ya just chicken?Buck buck buck ba_caawk.please what is the meaning of all this?is it not funny to you? yes or NO please i need Answer.
Anyway as soon as you hear from our Lawyer get back to me as i wait to hear from you soon.
My great regards
Miss Susi.
with love & trust.
Subject: RE: Thanks for your concern about me.
Date: Thu, 31 Aug 2006 23:41:43
To my betrothed, Susi dear (I like dear, especially the small ones - I have the special version of Bambi on DVD under my matress)
Yes! Guilty as charged! I am a funny guy! I am always making my friends lough by hitting them forcefully with a camán when their heads are turned... But be sure about one thing:- I am deadly serious when it comes to our relationship goddammit and I won't hear anyone say any different.
In professional life in Ireland, it is essential to let your solicitor / barrister know that you will not "take any crap" - that is to say that you demand VERY GOOD SERVICE and a free t-shirt if possible. If the customer shows any WEAKNESS, then he is doomed to a life of mediocre legal advice. Therefore, when I asked the law man in Dakar Senegal if he was CHICKEN, I was CHALLENGING him to DO HIS JOB VERY EXTREMELY WELL so that you can come to IRELAND SOONEST.
Jazz, blues and rap! That is great! I had started to think maybe you weren't reading my interweb communiqués fully. Thank you muchly for responding to this query. I also like these musics, as well as the U2. But not as much. I will of course have to dispose of any recordings you bring with you, but you will soon grow accustomed to your new life in what is a radically different society. You may find that many of the rights and privileges you have come to expect are void in this country. But this should go to show how important it really is to live in a wide variety of social and economic climates before you finally make the choice to hitch your wagon to some bloke you bumped into on the interweb, so that you may make an informed decision as to which one is most suited to you. Better luck next time though.
It is late at night now in Ireland and I have had a hard day at work, but now I must go out- I will not tell you why or where or how or with whom or why or when or indeed why I'm not telling you. But just know that our love for each other grows each day at an exponential rate that threatens to consume all in its wake, spreading out from its epicentre at close to twice the speed of sound, decimating dwellings and commercial property alike indiscriminately and without pause.
Your man (ish)
Willonzo
PS I have been contacted by the lawyer re: THE LEGAL FEES. I will work tomorrow on sending the money I hope. Soon my dearest... soon. By the way, my favourite colour is grey. What is your favourite colour?
Subject: RE: Response from Rev.Dominic.
Date: Fri, 01 Sep 2006 00:22:09
Dear Reverend Disprin Soluble, man of god in the dark continent,
Thank you for your kind response. I must say that I am dismayed by your evaluation of Miss Susi's emotional state. Is she really suicidal? Is there truly a danger that she may take her own life?
This saddens and troubles me greatly. I worry that she may decide to top herself before I can get my hands on her lovely lovely spondoolix (is that the correct word? I can never remember).
Never mind about that now, the most important thing is that we keep Miss Susi happy and distracted from the appalling atrocities going on around her in the refugee camp in Dakar Senegal, much like in that Roberto Benini movie that he got the Oscar for and climbed over all the seats that time. Remember that?
Anyway, enough of this old pile of wank, I have to tell you something very urgently prescient: I got an email from the LAWYER AMDYCHAMBERS IN SENEGAL. He says that his imagined legal jiggery and/or pokery will cost me US$2,750.00. That's over two thousand beans in real money! Two G's! Unfortunately, I am at this moment barren, beggared, depleted, drained, flat, impecunious, impoverished, indigent, penurious, stony and (most distressingly) strapped. YOU MUST NOT ALLOW MISS SUSI TO KNOW THIS!
The knowledge may cause in her feelings of anguish, apprehension, disquiet, distress, misgiving, perplexity, torment, uncertainty, vexation and woe (perhaps also slight headache). Enough perhaps to push her over the edge and start her reaching for the razor blades? Maybe you are better positioned to answer that question than I...
Regardless, I have devised a possible solution to my monetary and/or fiduciary difficulties:- I will go to meet a back-alley surgeon who will perform unnecessary operations for money in his illicit back-alley medical correspondence college. Perhaps he will buy some of my lesser-used organs (I have a mint condition spleen which is already attracting big interest on E-Bay).
So we are far from beat! I will keep you posted Master.
Your acolyte of shadows,
Willonzo
!nataS liaH
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